Autumn leaves in a dry spring

The lie covered in sugar

Fourth stage was youth. This stage of my life would be marked after the lies of puberty. I myself knew why my eyes and why my perspective was black, but it was a question that I never wanted to discuss with my heart, that heart that lost strength for each decade lived. Contrary to how I cursed myself, ironically life kept pushing me forward, on a totally dark stage with broken lights and a sieve eaten by rats. Life acted on my stage without anyone's permission, turning off and turning on the few undamaged lights at the end of it. Life was still in my hands. Cupid was now taunting us, shooting poisonous arrows. Even so, there was still a me, very small but remarkable, who was in the middle of a garden with some lemon trees and silver lilies that did not ask me to surrender; "You still have a lot to learn, as you let your adolescence affect your childhood, you have lost what it meant to experience. You have lost the meaning of your emaciated and lonely theater", she told me every time I entered the theater. It was around this time, because of the little me in the silver garden, that I tried to return to the sensations of childhood. I left behind the pressures, the stress of adulthood and embarked on discovering what it was that kept me going as a child, what was that dazzling and desirable "hope". With a boat and some notebooks, I navigated the vast ocean until I reached the other side of life. I won't deny that I was terrified, because no one wants to face the unknown, much less themselves. "Hold life tight by your hand and never let it go", was one of the most recurring thoughts I had before reaching the shore of the city. What does this anguish that I feel mean? Why do I feel pain? Maybe the arrow wasn't Cupid's that made me born, maybe it was a cruel and harsh destiny due to bad decisions. However, I still hadn't given up. The sea was agitated, testing me. The sea wanted to see if I had the courage to face the fate that the creators imposed on me. After so many upheavals and storms, the wooden sailing boat ran aground at the entrance to the destination.

The penultimate act I witnessed was adulthood. Upon reaching the shore, what I was able to see first was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. There were no longer just gray or black colors, but a great variety of blues, greens, reds, oranges and colors that I had never known. Then, the girl from the silver garden revealed herself and confessed who she really was. She was one of my lives that I let loose from my hands, it was that life that I forgot, which I never wanted to discuss because I myself knew the damage it caused me. "After so long, you finally dared to accept me. This garden of lilies and lemons was not my work, it was yours. So many years I tried to tell you that your chosen path was the wrong one... but you only saw that treacherous woman you call "life", she is not your life, she never was. She was the deceit, a bandage that they put on you. Although you still have a hard time admitting that you were deceived, you have taken a very big first step. It seems that the theater you built was damaged by treason... But it is not too late, the ceiling, walls, floor and decorations are still erected and soon you will be able to act again, with your own rules and characters. Your're not alone, my sweet light". These words were the last that the little girl said to me before disappearing to the sea. The pieces of my broken mind fit together, the memories came back to me so suddenly that I couldn't take it in. What I forgot and what I didn't want to see hit me so hard that I fainted on the shore. When I woke up, I saw that the sea, the world of colors was no longer there, and what was in front of me was a great broken stage, torn curtains and a raised and rotten wooden sieve. It was what the girl said... I had lost the meaning of living by my rules. I had let myself be deceived by a life that was not mine. Such was the shock of reality that I felt regret and pangs in my chest, and tears fell from my eyes, clouding my vision. I was crying because I realized it too late, because the anguish of my dead heart was not only an external influence, but also an internal one. Not having an ability to express words, I decided to dedicate myself to acting and although it helped me a lot, that only made me delude myself more to my undeniable reality. I cried for my stupidity, for the deceptions, lies and fairy tales so idealistic that anyone would have wanted to plunge into them. The biggest question after so much turbulence was two, because the question of anguish was answered years before opening my theater.

Why did I let myself be fooled? Why did I let them kill my heart? They were the two big questions that were on my mind now. I didn't find it logical, if when I started acting I locked up my feelings, why do I remember and feel everything now?

While I was thinking and searching for answers, the doorbell jangled.