when I saw him.

Part 5

when people think of suicide. Their minds go to a hanging rope. A tall bridge. A bottle of pills or even blood dripping from a wrist. but what they don't think about is the actual killer. The silent killer. it isn't a blade, a rope, a bridge, or even a bottle of pills. It's depression, and it's slow and silent and even though it kills slowly, you don't realize it until the person is gone.

I just keep thinking about my dad and how he used to be. He'll never be the same I know that I know it's bad for my mental health. But I'm angry, I've been depressed for the past 2 years and not even my dad noticed my smile fade away. I'm still going through it but no one notices.

I got up from bed and changed into some baggy clothes before leaving my room because I don t even feel comfortable with my dad... 

I walk to the kitchen getting a bowl to pour some cereal in it. My mood changed instantly when I saw Josiah by the window next to the door and I walked to the door opening it for him.

What are you doing here? I asked him with a smile on my face.

I'm picking you up for school duh? He tells me and hugs me. He asks me if I'm okay but I ignore his question and get my bag.

We head out the door and make our way to school just having the normal conversation we always have, I always smile while being around him. I'm so lucky that he's even here still because mostly everyone just walks out of my life and I stay here all alone dealing with all my mental problems. I usually like being alone, But I actually like being around Josiah, It's weird when you have someone who sticks by your side through everything even if it affects them, He's everything to me, and I'm so lucky to have him by my side.

Walking into school makes me feel overwhelmed. I don't like school but I have to do this to make my sister proud, I just have to I don't want to let her down.

Isaiah walks up to us and I say hey while he says it back. They walk me to class since we all have the same class for this period. I sit down in my seat and I just see someone staring at me.

I turn my head around seeing Isaiah. "You alright?" he asks me, "Ofc," I tell him making it seem believable. I don't want people to worry about me, It makes me feel like I'm pulling them down with me, and I'm afraid they just won't listen IF I tell them about it. But it's weird I sometimes don't know why I am this way. I always doubt myself.

AFTER SCHOOL

"Aliyah!!" I hear someone call me, I knew who it was by the nickname. 

I turn around and see my ex. I turn back around and try to ignore him but he grabs me by my wrist and I try pulling away. 

"let me talk to you I haven't seen you in a while."

"Let me go." I tell him and he tells me how sorry he is for everything and how "how he's trying to change" I don't believe his bullshit but I just nod until he lets go of me.

I wish I meant more to him. I think to myself while walking to Josiah's car. I tell him I'm gonna walk home but he refuses because he says it's a long walk, I tell him I need the fresh air and that I need to think some things out, He nods in response.

I start walking by the sidewalk and I start thinking to myself, overthinking.

Nobody will ever understand how much pain and anger I went through to be this calm and quiet. I smile at school as if I didn't just spend 2 hours crying in my room, on the floor the night before.

I feel so tired. I feel emotionally drained, I don't even wanna go to school anymore because I'm so low in life.

It feels like last year was just yesterday, but I don't wanna let anyone know. Even if nobody cares or notices enough to check up on me so what's the point??

Under all these tears and anger is just a kid who wanted a good relationship with her dad. I always feel like he doesn't want me as his daughter anymore, that's how bad it is and ill do anything to feel his love again. I became overly sensitive and emotional to the point I'll cried over everything...

I can't stand this feeling anymore, I'm just so confused and don't know what to do. 

I just feel like a failure.

feb 2 2023