While going out from dyut sabha, I was guilt ridden, ashamed, beyond hurt from my inside. I was not angry with anyone but myself. I knew that whatever happened today was only my fault. It was me, who staked my kingdom, my people, my brothers and my...
What have I done!! Am I same Dharmaraj Yudhishthir, who was borne with blessings of Lord of Justice and Death? How could I gamble on my Kingdom and my people, who were like children to me?
How could I gamble on my little brothers? I have promised to look after my brothers and become their guardian to my dead father's soul. Today, just because of me they were insulted and ridiculed by those cruel Kauravas.
How could I gamble on our dear wife, with whom I took 7 vows of marriage? Just because of my foolish decisions, she has to suffer such inhuman humiliation at the house of her own in laws.
My people, my brothers' and our wife were among those people whom I have promised to protect from all pain and sufferings. And today, I have inflicted on them the most painful wounds and scars.
In the process, I have also caused much pain to my old ailing Mother, Uncle Vidur, Pitamaha, Guru Dronacharya, Kulguru Kripacharya, Jyeshth Mata Gandhari, Jyesthpita Dhritrashtra and my entire family. Will these scars ever get healed.
All these thoughts were buzzing in my mind. I felt numb. I was oblivious to my surroundings. A furious storm was raging within me which made me completely blind, deaf and dumb. I was not furious with my fellow cousins Duryodhana, Dusshashan, Angraj Karn or Mamashree Shakuni, but I was furious with myself. I was furious with my hands, which had played Chausar staking my own little brothers and our dear wife. I was furious with my eyes, which had shamelessly witnessed the humiliation and the attempt of disrobing our wife infront of whole Rajsabha. I was furious with my mind and conscious, which considered it dharma and permitted me to bet on my dear ones.
This was not the first time when Kauravas had cheated us. Feeding poison to my little brother Bheem during our childhood, conspiring to burn us alive along with our mother in the house of lac, etc. were enough incidents to make me cautious about my cousins' evil mind. Even uncle Vidur forbade us to accept the invitation for the dice game. Had I followed his instruction, I would have avoided such mishap.
All my four little brothers, especially Bhhem, had always been very protective for me. The words of his oath rang fresh in my mind.
"Bhratashree, aap apni puri sampatti daao par lagaakar haar gaye, mujhe iss baat ka koi krodh nahi. Parantu jo daao aapne Draupadi par lagaaya, woh galat hai. Kewal aap hi ke kaaran, ye duraachaari Kaurav, humari priya patni kaa iss prakar apmaan aur tiraskaar kar rahe. Mahadev ki saugandh, aaj main aapke inhi paase fenkene waale hatho ko pedo ki sukhi tehniyo ki tarah jalaakar bhasma kardungaa."
(Brother, I am not angry with the money you have lost in gambling. But the bet you put on Draupadi is very wrong. Because of you, these evil Kauravas are hurting her and humiliating her. I oath in the name of Lord Mahadev, that I will burn both of your hands to ash, through which you have thrown dice in the game, just like dried branches of a tree.")
I still could not believe that my little brother, who would have gone to any heights to keep me safe would take such an oath against me. Does that mean, that my little Bheem does not love me anymore? Does any of my brothers and our dear wife Panchali have any love for me?
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My chain of thoughts broke with the sobbing sound on Subhadra. Me, along with my brothers and Subhadra were sitting broken and miserable, on the stairs of Indraprastha Rajsabha, waiting for Draupadi to come out of her room. Madhav went to bring her out as neither of us brothers' had the guts to face Draupadi. The moment Draupadi came into the Rajsabha, Subhadra rushed towards her hugged her and tried to pacify her.
I rose from my seat and went infront of the blazing fire pit. Gathering all my courage, I addressed my better-half, "Panchali, with these hands of mine I have played that wicked game of dice which enslaved my dear brothers and also became the reason of your insult and humiliation." Saying this I raised my hands and looked at Bheem. "Bheem, fulfil your oath. Burn my hands."
Bheem looked at me shockingly. His face was tear stricken. His expression showed that whatever he said was in sheer of anger, he didn't mean to do it. Before Bheem could say anything, Panchali said, without raising her eyes in a voice deprived of any emotion, "Arya. No need to burn your hands. I forgive you."
But I knew, she was just telling this to get Bheem out of this situation and did not want to see me in pain. So I said, "No Panchali, even I need to forgive myself otherwise life will become hell for me. Come on, fulfil your vow." Bheem looked at me with teary eyes. His looks conveyed his reluctance. I assured him to fulfil his pledge and do his dharma.
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Bheem came forward and took hold of my hands and put them in the blazing fire pit. Surprisingly, I couldn't feel anything. This perhaps happens when ones' mind and soul is burning from inside, one cannot feel the physical burns. I don't know for how long my hands were inside the fire pit, but I remember those red altah laiden hands which released Bheem's grip and removed my hands from fire. She kept on looking at me, yet I could not raise my eyes to see her.
Then Madhav, came and advised us that instead of losing our energies to punish ourselves, we should strategies to punish those who did wrong with us. These 13 years of exile should be used by us to gain our strength, because a huge war was waiting for us at the end of these 13 years. He further said, that these 13 years will be my penance for the sins I committed.
Same day, we 5 brothers along with our dear Panchali were ready to start our 13 year long journey, 12 years in forest and 1 year in Agyaat Vaas (in disguise). Along with us, Rishi Dhaumya and his disciples, many other Snatak Bhrahmans along with their families and many people from our kingdom, both Indraprastha and Hastinapur, have gathered, to live with us, during our exile at the forest. That day I realized, how much my people loved me. I did so wrong with them, yet they were ready to leave behind all their fortunes and bear with us the hard life in the forest. I began questioning myself. Do I really deserve all this love and respect from them, with whom I did so wrong?
