You Must Be the One

Emerald- Hope 1/2

Love is an emerald. Its brilliant light wards off dragons on this treacherous past.

-Rumi

It began as a way to get her feelings and thoughts out of her head and onto a page. As an avid journal keeper from a young age, Stefani always found immense comfort in the written word. Even as a kid, she would pour emotions, especially the negative ones that she couldn't share (or that's what she thought, anyway). Everything would flow from pen to the paper and afterwards, there was such an incredible catharsis in being able to let out whatever was on her mind, to unbottle the things that bothered her.

She continued the practice as an adult, keeping at least three or four journals at a time, not just for songwriting purposes or acting purposes, though she certainly made space for those as well. But every single day, she'd try to scrawl down a little about how she was feeling in that particular moment, just to decompress. Even if it wasn't much, even just a single sentence was good.

Tumultuous moments of her life were especially helpful to journal as any kind of stress tended to come out physically, manifesting somewhere in her body. Having an outlet gave the strife a place to go.

There were so many different things going on at the beginning of filming, it was difficult to know what to unpack first. The ending of an engagement? The pain she seemed to be in daily? Feeling much like a fish out of water, even though Bradley's unwavering belief in her and her willingness to do the work steadied her?

Then there was the other nagging issue. A pesky character bleed, the inability to separate her feelings from Ally's, to fail to understand where Ally ended and where Stefani began and she figured maybe it was all par for the course and when filming it ended, she could shut it off. Dye her hair back, break away from the overwhelming sadness, step back into her own shoes. She'd assumed everything would fall neatly into place, follow suit.

But that wasn't how it worked. At least not for her. Pushing back against any kind of rough or even mildly confusing emotion only served its purpose for so long.

Things slowly seem to unravel. Her relationship is plagued by jealously and mistrust and she hates to speak to anyone about it, feels like a fool for clinging onto something so unhealthy. Having feelings for someone else doesn't help.

One day, fighting pain and anguish, she sat down in the study, physically and emotionally spent, not an iota left, and opened up a brand new leather bound book.

The blank page was daunting, begging her to write something... anything, but the words wouldn't come. They sat, stuck, right down below her ribs and it seemed futile.

Until something made her decide to write to him.

Dear Bradley,

Everything is shit right now. I don't know if you know. I think you have some awareness, because I see how you look at me, how concerned you are.  You've asked and I  haven't been completely honest and I can tell you want to say more, but you don't want to overstep.

I wish I could tell you everything that's weighing me down, B. Some of it---the physical part, you're aware of. It's in the way you put a pillow behind me during an interview when I sit. The way you grab my hand when I get teary eyed because you know that it isn't just from speaking about the film...the days I just can't do much of anything and you realize it before I say a word. I've learned to stop hiding the pain from you a long time ago. There was no point, anyway, when you could tell just by looking at me.

The other things... not so easy. It isn't because I don't trust you. You know by now, that it's the opposite. I guess in a way, I'm ashamed. I let this go on for way too long. I'm not the woman who stays in a relationship with someone who follows their every move. Who accuses them of awful things and can get extremely nasty in the heat of an argument. How can I explain that to someone I respect so much when I can't even really explain it to myself? I present myself as someone strong, someone who takes no shit and here I am, staying with someone because I can't take another failed relationship.