Happiness... what is that?

Alone?

Being alone can be plausible at times, but it can also be lonely and isolating. You might feel as though the world is keeping you apart from other people and punishing you for something you have never done. I wish I wasn't alone: without assistance or support, didn't think I would be able to resemble such a word, my whole life I've been alone, family, friends and even teachers in my school or college, I've always been that person you can go to and vent to, but I've never had anyone to vent to, I take it all and just shove it down, deep.

Sometimes I wish that everything might just vanish, but then I catch myself and everything is gone. Even I've left. The previous few weeks have passed by in a haze as my head has been battling against me nonstop. I desire to be liberated from this life. I want to be free of my own mental illness. Where is my freedom, the freedom that individuals "claim" to have? Where is my one and only exit ticket? There is one exit ticket, but I have to ask myself if I'm being egocentric. Do I not give the people close to me any thought or care? However, I don't feel like you're here with me. How is it fair that I must endure this anguish in order to save their suffering? All I desire is my freedom. Freedom is the state of not being subject to another person's authority or control. the ability? what force? My own person, my mental and bodily well-being are the dominion. As I choke and groan for the life I want, I say that it controls me and that I have no thoughts, feelings, or self-care. It's not simple to love and live, it's not. 

When you don't feel self-love, it's difficult to be affectionate toward others who are close to you. More affection is given to family and friends than I could ever give to myself. I put the word "perfect" in quotation marks since nobody is flawless, but I could never be like those "perfect" people. Being completely faultless, without a mistake or blemish, what does it mean to be perfect? There isn't a single person who comes to mind who has never had a defect. even though you believed your parents were ideal when you were younger. Wrong. No one has ever been flawless and no one ever will be. I detest the term "perfect," a phoney word of great power.

I wouldn't wish this anguish, this loneliness, this exhaustion, or this suffering on anyone. the hurt. Being continually overwhelmed and swamped by different things that could injure you while just sitting there in your own thoughts. But you must continue to be "strong," they insist. Strong: When you are feeling excellent and able to perform normally in daily life. a decent condition? I don't recall what it was like to be in a good state. I wish I knew how to be strong because no matter how hard I try, it never amounts to enough. I'll never have enough strength.

Alone?

- Eve