Missing Piece

2.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and adjusted my legs in front of me. I could feel my nails digging into my skin as I listened to the clock tick and tick and tick each second away. I was hoping that if I just watched it for long enough, time would pass without feeling like it.

I looked at the decorations around the room, taking in how bright everything was. It almost hurt my eyes. Or maybe it just annoyed me how cheery it was. Maybe because part of me wanted this whole thing to suck. So I'd have an excuse. A reason.

"Judeah?" She said and I turned, brows raising.

"It's just Jude. What were you saying?" I asked and her lips formed a fine line, but the understanding kind, not the impatient.

"I was asking you about what happened after that night? We don't have to talk about that night. So let's start with after. How you're coping." She said and I nodded, pulling at my sleeves.

"Um, I kind of stayed in bed. I didn't wanna move." I said and she nodded, scribbling down a bit on the paper. She went between doing that and looking at me quizzically, trying to make sure I knew she was listening to me, not just hearing but listening.

"You were in shock. That kind of situation can paralyze someone." She said and I nodded, feeling my fingernails dig further.

"Yeah, so my parents thought it might be good to get away. So, I went to my grandparents for the summer bin Arizona." I said and she's hummed, scribbling again.

"And did you have these panic attacks, your mom said you were having panic attacks, in Arizona?" She asked and I shook my head.

"No, I was fine. Didn't have to think about it really. I mean it, Rachel." I said and she put her notebook down. She had insisted I call her by her first name, trying to build a connection. So I feel more relatable to her. For me, not for her.

"You were faced with a fight or flight situation and you chose fight. There's nothing wrong with that." She said and I nodded, trying to believe her. "But what those examples never talk about is what happens after. When you have to live with and face the decision you made. When you have to come back to it." She said and I just nodded. It felt easier when I didn't have to say anything, less like I was regurgitating the lump stuck in my throat. "What does it feel like? The panic attacks?"

"You know how your body is hard wired to practice self defense, like your brain physically will not allow you to stay under water so long that you could run out of oxygen?" I asked and she furrowed my brows, probably trying to see where I was going with this. I did not want to drown myself. "It's like if that instinct, that hard wiring were switched around. Like I went underwater and just took a deep breath, inhaling the water into my own lungs, taking my own breath. If you could visualize that. Purely hypothetically. But that's what it feels like." I said and she nodded.

"Yes, I do. And this is completely normal, Jude." She said and I scoffed, rolling my eyes at her.

"Right, because coming here and talking and everything I say being analyzed makes me feel normal, not like a case study or museum exhibit or prize pig at the fucking fair." I gritted and she smiled.

"Actually, a lot of people who don't talk about it, their condition tend to progress and worsen, making them a danger to themselves and others. There are millions of people just like you, Jude." She aid and I shook my head, feeling the sting of my nails breaking skin.

"Oh yeah, and how is that?" I asked and she tilted her head.

"PTSD from that night. Survivors guilt. You blame yourself. And putting that kind of pressure on yourself is exactly what causes you to feel like you are drowning. Let go of that weight, and you can swim." She said and smiled.