Deja Vu (SatoGou)

Chapter 15

I end up walking to Chloe's house. I feel a panic attack coming on, and I don't want to be alone. I rarely ever go to Chloe's house, and when I do, I don't stay for long. I've never showed up unannounced before. That's probably why she's so surprised when she answers the door, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, wearing slippers. She blinks a few times at me. "Goh? Is everything okay?"

"Can I come in?" I ask, rubbing up my arms, shivering in the cold. I can see past her, through to her living room, where her parents are watching something loud on the TV.

"Is that Goh?" Her dad calls, looking over his shoulder.

"Yes, dad," Chloe calls back. She gestures for me to come in, and I walk inside. I call out hello to her parents, and then she's ushering me up the stairs, pushing my back gently. In her bedroom, the curtains are closed and her LED strip lights are set to a pale pink, giving the room a strangely calming glow. I sit down in a bean bag in the corner of her room and take a deep breath, trying to calm down. Chloe stands watching me, worry plastered all over her face. I haven't been in her room since we were seventeen. Even in just a year, Chloe's changed so much. She looks like an adult now. Her room doesn't match her anymore.

"What's going on?"

"That's the problem. I don't know." I put my head in my hands. "After May unintentionally outed me to Ash today, I went over to his house to explain, because when we were best friends he asked me if I was, and I said no."

"Understandable," she says, nodding. "Then what?"

"I told him I was. He asked me if the kiss was real for me, and I said yes."

"Wow," she says, raising her eyebrows. She puts her hands on her hips, balancing her weight on one side. "Okay. What did he say?"

"Well... Nothing. He told me he needed to leave to meet Dawn."

Chloe bites her lip and looks away, and I know she knows something, so I say her name, sternly. "Chloe."

She sighs. "Dawn's at home right now. I was texting her just before you knocked. She didn't say anything about seeing Ash."

She may as well have stuck a knife in my heart. "Oh. So he lied to me again," I say. Nothing's changed. After all this time- the hurt, the pain, the forgiveness- he's still lying to me to avoid a conversation about it. I want to throw something across the room, but since I'm at Chloe's, I clench and unclench my fists a few times, taking a deep breath quietly. "I must have really made him uncomfortable."

"Or maybe he just needs to process what that means for the two of you?" She suggests. I scoff and turn away, not believing that. "Goh, this is Ash."

"And?" I say.

She stares at me for a moment, contemplating. "Okay. I'm gonna be brutally honest with you, just this once, okay?"

That sounds terrifying. Not knowing what to expect, I nod. "Okay, shoot."

"You're chronically single," she says, bluntly. "You've never had a real relationship. Tokio doesn't count. Even before Ash. You know why? Because you sabotage them before they even begin. You spend too much time worrying about rejection, and not enough time thinking about the possibility of reciprocation. You have relationship anxiety."

"Chloe, I-"

"You know it's true, Goh."

I'm frustrated, because I don't want her to be right. I stare back defiantly, arms crossed over my chest. I should have known Chloe would see right through me, to parts of myself I didn't even know existed. "Even if that's true, Ash has a girlfriend."