All The Things We Never Said

II

Kai

"Kai and I had talked about pairing up after the last group activity." My name leaving her mouth doesn't sound real. It hits my muffled ears, and I would have swore I imagined it if Noa wasn't giving me the please save me look.
     She's facing me, with her eyebrows raised. She nods so inconspicuously, that I'm sure Cash doesn't notice, but that might also be because he now has his fiery gaze m fixed on me. His massive arms still cover his chest, a deep scowl set on his face as he eyes me suspiciously, no doubt wondering how and why.
My head moves up and down slowly, but it doesn't feel like it's me making it happen. I feel like a mar
"We did- We...yeah," I back up her claim, rising from my seat on shaky legs, even shakier hands finding the comfort of the inner lining of my pockets so I don't have to hold them awkwardly at my side while Cash stares me down. Noa smiles at me, slinging her bag over her shoulder.
     "Sorry Cash, maybe next project." Cash's lips press together in a hard line of defeat. He backs off, glancing around the room for someone else to pair up with as Noa climbs the steps to where I'm standing. She rubs her hands together like a super villain and grins widely, almost manically, like we're a couple of goons who just pulled off the biggest heist of our lives.
"Thanks for that, partner," she smacks my arm playfully, sliding by me to sit in the seat directly next to the one I was just in. I still feel like I'm in a dream I'll wake up from any second as I slip back into my spot next to her, but the skin under my hoodie feels hot where she touched me, and I can smell her vanilla scent stronger than ever now.
Valdiviez waits a few moments with patiently clasped hands, until it's clear that everyone has selected a partner. She then dives right in to the project outline she's made for us. It's complete with a list of different segment ideas, some resources we can use to help us gain inspiration, and of course the grading rubric that gives us an idea of exactly what she will be looking for. My eyes dance across the paper like I'm following along, but really, I'm focusing on taking steady breaths so I don't pass out.
After she gets through the outline, our professor turns off the classroom lights, turns on the projector, and joins the students in the front row to watch some samples left behind by previous classes . Some of them must be funny, because the class laughs every so often, but I'm distracted again, heavily focused on how close Noa's elbow is to mine, and wondering if I sprayed too much cologne on myself this morning.
"You're cool with this right?" The almost inaudible whisper next to me brings me back to the present.
"Huh?" I stiffen in my seat.
"Being my partner I mean." I see her studying me out of the corner of my eye, but I don't have the nerve to look at her, so I just stare at screen in front of us. "I mean I was kind of hoping you would save me back there so I didn't have to pair up with Donkey Kong's brother, but I would have understood if you said no." I can't tell if she's trying to give me an out, or looking for one herself, but I'd guess the latter.
I almost tell her that it's okay if she wants to pair up with someone else, and that I won't be offended if she doesn't want to be my partner, but then I hear Nico's voice in the back of my head.
No man, come on! You always do this shit! This isn't where you thank her for using you and run away with your tail tucked between your legs. Be a big boy.
"Yeah, I'm totally cool with it." I feign nonchalance, keeping my smile quick and brief . I focus back on the videos, silently applauding myself for saying six whole words to her without vomiting.
"Cool," she matches my easy energy, relaxing back in her seat as a new video starts. We watch them for the rest of our time with Professor Valdiviez. Five minutes before the end of class, she turns the lights back on, my eyes squinting as they readjust to the light.
"I love watching those every year, and I hope you guys enjoyed them too. Those were some of the best examples I have of this past student projects. I have full confidence that all of your projects will be just as good as these ones, and years from now when I'm teaching a whole new set of students, they will get to draw inspiration from you guys." There's maybe a minute left until dismissal, and everyone begins packing up. "That's all for today you guys. Don't take this project too seriously. Just have fun with it."
"I like Valdiviez a lot," Noa tells me when we're outside. I'd half expected her to bolt away from me as soon as class ended. This is my only class with her, and I know I probably won't see her again for a few days, so I walk slowly, relishing this time with her even though I'm nervous as hell. "You can tell she really likes her job, and she's good at it. I bet she always new she wanted to be a teacher."
"Yeah," I agree, because I've always thought the same. I should say more to attempt to hold up my end of the conversation, but I can't string together the words forming in my head.
"It's refreshing to you know? Like all day long we go from class to class, with these idiot teachers that don't even see our faces or remember our names, and then they just talk and talk while we scribble away. Then they wonder why we are all falling asleep and struggling in their classes, when all they have to do is sit in her classroom for five minutes and see what a real teacher looks like."
"Yeah," I say again, but our eyes reach each other's this time. I almost open my mouth to add something, but she beats me to the punch, easily filling the awkward silence with easy banter.
"So do you have a camera besides the one on your phone? I mean we could record the project with our phones and I'm sure it would get the job done, but the better the quality, the better the grade right?" I like where her head is at.
"Yeah I've got a camera. It's a Nikon D5300." The part of me that knows better than to flex material things feels like a douche for even bringing it up, but it's a pretty nice camera and I'm proud of it. My cousin gave it to me when I was taking a photography class in high school because she never used it.
"Ohhh, sounds fancy and expensive."
"You got any more classes?" I know she doesn't, but I feel the impending separation. Any minute now, she will say her goodbyes and go about her day.
"Nope, that was my last one for the day. None tomorrow either so I can sleep all morning until work at 2." She smiles, the promise of catching up on sleep obviously very comforting to her.
"Where do you work?"
"A seafood restaurant in Marina Del Rey. Have you heard of Dear Jane's?"
"No, I don't think so." I don't think I've ever even hung out in Marina Del Rey before. It's one of the more upscale cities on the Los Angeles county coast, not a place me or Nico care to visit.
"It's pretty snobby and pretentious. I'm talkin' appetizers the price of other restaurants entrees. The tips are nice ." I'm gearing up to ask another question when I feel a heavy presence behind us. Cash comes bounding up to Noa's right side, his arms swinging like a neanderthal.
"For fucks sake," she mutters.
"Hey Noa. You need a ride home?"
"Cash, thank you so much for offering for the third time this week. I've got it covered though." Her voice holds a hint of sweetness, one that hides her annoyance well. He reverts me with a cold gaze, but I refuse to be intimidated by him. It might be a different story if Noa wasn't standing between us, but the fact that I know he won't do anything to me with her here makes me feel brave enough to maintain eye contact with him at the very least.
     Nico wouldn't take this shit. He'd punch this dude in the face just for looking at him wrong.
"You sure? It's really no problem. I don't mind-"
"I'm her ride home," I blurt before I can stop myself. He narrows his eyes at me in disbelief, like I've just told him I'm the President's head of security.
"You have a car?" It's an obvious tactic to make me feel small, but a poor tactic nonetheless.
"Well I wasn't planning on pedaling her home on the back of my bike."The sarcastic comment tumbles out of my mouth with surprising ease. I'm not known for quick comebacks normally.
     LNoa purses her lips to keep from smirking beside me. With a sigh and a deep roll of his eyes, Cash breaks his stride to keep up with us and spins in the opposite direction. Defeat, for the second time today, and it tastes so sweet.
"See you in class Noa," he calls over his shoulder, still not fully grasping the hint that she wants nothing to do with him.
"Way to knock him down a peg. Excellent work," she holds out her fist for me to bump, and I do so with a proud grin etched onto my face. "God, he's a fucking caveman. It's like... how many hints does someone have to give you?"
"Good thing he's got his looks going for him, cause he's got nothing filling up his head."
"Does he," she scrunches her nose and shrugs. "I know some of the girls in Valdiviez's class think he's hot shit, but I don't really see the allure," she shrugs. "Not my type."
"Really?" I don't mean to sound as shocked as I do, but I just kind of assumed girls were hard wired to be attracted to guys like that. But then again, I know as much about women as I do about open heart surgery, so I'm frequently off the mark when it comes to what they want.
"Yeah," she laughs. "Looks like that are nothing if your personality is shit. Plus there's just something off about him. Like any day now I'm expecting him to be dragged out of class by the police for assault.... shooting stray dogs or something."
We're nearing the edge of campus now. The parking lot is to our left, and the trail of students to our right draws a clear path to the bus stop, where I usually see Noa waiting after school. I want to tell her that I wasn't just covering for her again to get Cash off of her heels, that I actually don't mind driving her home, but my words get stuck in my throat. My car is one of the ugliest in the lot, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't embarrassed for her to see it.
"Thanks again for saving my ass," she turns to me right in front of our schools brick sign. "I'm excited to work with you." I feel my cheeks tint pink, and it's all I can do not to collapse on the spot.
"Yeah of course. I'm- I'm really glad we're working together too. It should be a fun project." For now, I maintain composure. I act calm, and do well at masking everything I'm feeling. Later though, when I'm in the comfort and protection of my room, I know I'll be freaking out.
     It's so insignificant and probably doesn't mean all that much to her, but it means something to me. I don't care that this doesn't make us real friends, and that we will probably never speak again after the project is done, but that's all the more reason to savor every moment.
"I'll see you on Friday Kai," she smiles, waving her dainty hand as she turns in the direction of the bus stop.
You're really going to let her walk away? You're just gonna pussy out and let her take the bus home?
Nico's voice again, as clear as if he was standing right beside me. It's strange feeling, knowing someone so well that you can actually hear the advice they would give you. Sometimes I wonder if Nico's inner monologue ever sounds like me. I doubt it. I've never admitted it to him out loud that I live by his words in my head. We're brothers, but we don't do the sappy shit.
"Hey Noa." I jog after her, perhaps a little too much enthusiasm in my step. She spins around, studying me curiously.
"I wasn't just trying to get rid of Cash. I do have a car. My offer to give you a ride home still stands." She squints into the sunlight behind me, covering her eyes with her hand. I'm not that much taller than her, but the height difference is enough that she tilts her head back slightly to meet my gaze.
"That's so sweet, but I don't want you to have to do that. I'm sure you have other things to do."
"I don't," I answer a little too quickly. "I mean... Not until like way later in the night. I'm free for the next few hours. It's really no problem." I don't have anything to do, but I don't want her to think I'm a loser with no plans.
"Are you sure?" She weighs my offer, and I can't say I blame her. I had to take the bus everywhere before I got my car, and public transit in Los Angeles county is like a zoo. "I don't exactly live close. I mean it's still Culver City, but like, the outskirts. It's borderline Ladera Heights." She doesn't know this, but she could tell me our destination was Texas, and I'd give her the ride.
"Yeah that's totally fine. It will give us some time to project plan." Excellent cover. Smooth. Very smooth. "Plus I mean it would probably save you a lot of time. I don't want you to have to take the bus."
"What's wrong with taking the bus?" A frown covers her features, her eyebrows pushing together as her eyes narrow on me.
     Not smooth.
I panic internally, wondering how I could be stupid enough to not see how that could have been misinterpreted as an insult.
"Nothings wrong with it. The bus- I used to.... I just mean like... well it's the waiting that's annoying isn't it? And sometimes buses are over crowded and there's no seats. Sometimes there's people yelling on the bus, or trying to talk to you when you'd rather just listen to music. And crying babies and-" she laughs, her tongue poking into her cheek as my rambling cuts off.
"Do you always over explain yourself this much?"
"Yes," I answer truthfully, because honesty seems like the best policy at this point.
"Well there's no need, because I was just fucking with you. I hate the bus, and I'd love a ride. You're a real prince Kai." I'm more like a brainless peasant, or a King's jester, but I'll let her believe I'm a prince until she discovers otherwise.
Noa follows me through the parking lot that's still packed with students either going home for the day, or coming in for afternoon and night classes. The sun is bright in the sky, and it's a lot warmer out than it was this morning, but there's still a light chill to the air. Goosebumps trail up my arms, but less from the cold air seeping in through my jacket cuffs, and more because I'm shaking with the realization that I'm about to drive a Noa home. This is mad.
The red hood of my Ford Bronco comes into view, so I fish my keys out of my pocket. I reason with myself, telling myself that there's no reason to be ashamed at having a car that's ugly and old. It's not like many kids our age are driving BMW's.
"This is you?" She trails a polished finger over the hood of my car, which hasn't yet started to rust, but has long since lost its shiny luster. Years of weather exposure make the paint job look a dingy matte brick color, when I know by the picture the proud seller showed me the day I bought it off him, that it used to be shiny red.
"Yup, that's Cynthia." She laughs quietly, giving me a polite thank you when I open the passenger side door for her.
"Why Cynthia?" I chuckle to myself as I round the front of the car to my side.
"I'm kind of a nerd for old cartoons. You know Rugrats? Angelica's knock of Barbie Doll?" I'm not sure if she watched the same shows I did as a kid, but I wait for her to piece it together.
"Oh yeah, that ugly creepy thing with the fucked up haircut right?"
     "Exactly," I tap the sturdy wheel. "She gives the same energy. She basically named herself. She's ugly obviously. She's creepy because she looks like the second choice vehicle of kid snatchers, right under windowless vans. And her haircut is fucked up, because what is a paint job if not a cars haircut?" She laughs at my incessant rambling, like really laughs.
     It makes her eyes shut and her full lips stretch into a heart wrenching smile. The sound is all twinkly and soft like bells and delicate wind chimes. I'd pay to hear it again, but I wasn't even trying to make her laugh the first time, so I wouldn't know how to make her replicate that sound.
"See. I knew you'd be funny once I got you talking Kai. The quiet ones always are." She thinks I'm funny. I'm driving Noah Taylor home, and she thinks I'm funny. "I don't think Cynthia is ugly at all. I think your car has character."
"If by character you mean ripped backseats and a broken air conditioner, than sure." The joke doesn't earn me another glorious laugh, but her lopsided grin and courtesy chuckle do wonders for my ego regardless.
"Look dude, I'm nineteen years old and I've never owned a car. I can barely drive, and I'm still saving up for my very first whip. This may as well be a Rolls Royce to me." She buckles up without me asking, which is awesome because the only other person who rides in here is Nico, and he flat out refuses to wear his seatbelt, even when he knows it makes me nervous. "It's a Bronco right?"
"Yeah, 1970's. You know cars?" She gazes at me with an expression I can't quite read, it one that makes me nervous anyway. "I didn't mean to sound shocked or anything. It's not like cars is a weird hobby for girls to have. I barely know anything myself."
"I'm no expert either," she shrugs. "I probably wouldn't even know which model is which if my dad hadn't been so obsessed. He used to let me sit in the garage with him while he fixed up his bikes and stuff. I couldn't really help with anything beyond handing him tools, so I'd just sit there while he worked and read all the Motor Trend magazines her had lying around."
     The story is brief, but she regales it like she's catching up over coffee with an old friend. It's a cute mental image too, a tiny version of Noa passing her dad socket wrenches with both hands because the tools are too large, flipping through auto magazines that are also too big for her hands. "Do you and your dad still work in the garage together?" Her entire face drops in an instant, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that I've said something wrong. There's a few beats of silence in which she plays with the stacks of rings on her fingers.
"Nope. Me and my dad don't do anything together... anymore." The way she hesitates on the word anymore makes my blood run cold.
"Noa... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"I'm fucking with you Kai," she chuckles, throwing her head back against the seat. "My dads not dead."
"Oh good." I let go of the breath I'm holding, sighing with relief. She laughs again, and I can't help but join her. Even if dead dads feels like it shouldn't be a joking matter, that was pretty damn funny. Her hand moves to the star shaped pendant around her neck, and her expression is sad again.
"I'm not going to tell you what happened to him though, cause I don't want you to judge him. My dads not a bad person. He's the fucking best." She stares straight ahead at the windshield, and even though I'm getting mental whiplash from the sharp turns the energy in the car keeps taking, I'm doing my best to keep up and respond appropriately.
"I would never judge him." I don't know why I say it with such finality, and without a second of hesitation. Maybe because I feel I have to rescue her from vulnerability, or maybe because I'm afraid if I don't say something to make her feel better, she will associate me with being sad, and this will be the first and last time she talks to me. I can't have that. Noa talking to me has opened up my whole world. This world is brighter and better. I like it here.
My answer seems to satisfy her, because she stops playing wot her necklace, turns to me, and smiles the most heart rippling smile I've ever seen.
"You're a really nice guy, aren't you Kai?"
I almost say something to the effect of 'I'm whatever you want me to be' but the second I think it, I want to stomp on my own foot and kick myself in the dick. That's not something that sounds fitting coming out of mouth. I'm not that guy. Nico could make that work for him with little to no effort, but never me. "I think so," I settle on instead. "I hope so," I add, because I don't really know for sure. I've been called nice before, but I'm sort of just a moody, cynical prick who never has much to say about anything, so I think people just confuse my quiet for nice.
"You are," she confirms with a nod of her head. "I can tell." I pretend to check my mirrors so I can smile like an idiot without her seeing me. I hope she really does live as far as she claims, because I'm ready to drive drive across the Atlantic Ocean if it means I can sit in my shitty car with her while she smiles at me and laughs at my even shittier jokes. "Soooo- Are you gonna drive or did you just want to chill in the school parking lot for a few hours?"
"Oh! No yeah I'll- I'll just..." I fumble with my keys. "Do some driving," I finish my sentence awkwardly. My shaking hands manage to slide the right piece of metal into the ignition, but it jams when I try to turn the car on, as it does every so often. Of course it had to happen for the first time in a while, when the worlds prettiest girl is sitting in my passenger seat, a girl who despite its hideous exterior and beat up interior, doesn't think my car is a piece of shit.
Way to go Cynthia. Really earning that compliment, you fucking embarrassment.
The engine roars for half a second before the car goes silent again.
I'm sorry we fought. I was wrong to say the things I said. I love you Cynthia.
I try bringing the car to life for a second time, but get the same outcome; the engine whining and sputtering before turning off completely. It's as if my car is taunting me for my insolence, saying Oh yeah you ungrateful bitch. Let's see how hard you impress this girl when you both have to get out and push me to the nearest mechanic.
I can't stop myself from turning my head to see Noa's reaction. Oh god, I hope she's not annoyed that she accepted a ride from me instead of just taking the bus. When our eyes lock, she doesn't seem mad. She's more amused, laughing and shaking her head as she scans the parking lot out to the open passenger side window.
"Maybe I can see if I know anyone still on campus that could jump your car or-"
"No it's fine," may voice nearly cracks in my panic. It would be just my luck that the first person she bumps into would be giant Cash, and then I'd have to endure his shit eating grin as he comes to the rescue, and slowly but surely, all my dreams will crumble. "Cynthia just does this sometimes. Shes temperamental." Noa relaxes back into her seat, trusting me to sort it out.
With a fourth and final turn of my key, the car finally starts, and images of giant Cash and his bulging muscles and pick up truck fade away. "See. Told you." I reverse and pull out before Cynthia has time to changer her mind and shut off again.