All The Things We Never Said

IIIV

Noa

I wake in the middle of the night to my phone ringing. It's late, nearing three AM. I squint at the light of my phone, my bleary eyes straining to read the number. It's not one I recognize, but my groggy mind pieces together that it's an Arizona area code, and that it could be my brother or one of my little sisters.
"Hello?" I groan out, my voice thick with sleep. I swipe the back of my hand over my eyes. The person on the line doesn't speak right away, but I hear breathing. "Hello?" I sit up, nerves building in my stomach as I register that a call this late probably doesn't mean anything good. "Angel? Cassidy?"
"It's mom." Bile rises in my throat, but I swallow it down, my skin heating at the sound of the only voice that could grate my nerves so thoroughly. "Don't hang up."
"How the fuck did you get my new number?"
"You hear your mothers voice for the first time in three months and that's all you have to say to me?"
"You're not my mother anymore. I disowned you, remember?"
"You can't disown your parents. You'll always be my daughter and I'll always be your mommy."
"The fuck I can't. I can do whatever I want. I'm an adult, and you made the decision for me when you let your husband beat the shit out of me while you watched. You're sick." She sighs, and I'm not sure why I haven't hung up yet. It's what she deserves, but part of me wants to hear the reason she's calling me in the middle of the fucking night. I shouldn't indulge her, but I do out of sheer curiosity.
"I've regretted that every day since, but it's what had to be done my dear. You needed discipline. You were becoming so violent and combative. I hardly recognized my own daughter."
"Funny that's how you remember it," I scoff. "What you mean to say is I stopped letting you beat on me and started fighting back, and once you realized that I wasn't going to take it anymore and that I was stronger than you, you had your husband do the beating."
"And what was I supposed to do? Let you and your cousin keep throwing your lives down the drain? Was I supposed to sit by knowing you were stealing from the mall, sleeping with older men for money and drugs? Is that what you think a good mother does Noa?"
"Whatever I was doing, and whatever I became was product of your shitty excuse for parenting. You're verbally and physically abusive and you're a psycho."
"Noa, you're life is going to get so much better when you start taking accountability for your actions and stop blaming all of your choices on people who don't deserve it."
"That's a load of shit, especially coming from you. Take accountability for the fact that you ruined our relationship because you can't manage your emotions, and because you have anger issues."
"I didn't call to argue with you Noa." Her tone is so calm and patient, a far cry from what I'm used to from her. She has the worst temperament of anyone I've ever known, but she has a talent for pretending to be a gentle parent when she feels like it will benefit her.
"Then what did you call for Tamara?" Without seeing her, I can feel her flinch at my use of her first name.
"I called because I need you to come home where you belong."
"Home." I almost laugh. "I am home, here with Uncle Mike and Aunt Gloria."
"That's not your home. Your home is here with your family. Yuma is your home."
"Are you really that delusional or have you just no heard anything I said?"
"You have no idea how difficult it's been for me to work since you left. Angels out doing god knows what at all hours of the night, and I have no one to watch the kids. Not to mention the adjustments we had to make since we no longer have you pitching in for rent-"
"Not my fucking problem. I'm tired of being your built in baby sitter. It's one of the reasons I left. And maybe you wouldn't be struggling to make ends meet if your husband hadn't gotten a demotion for drinking on the job. He's really lucky he didn't get fired. Then you'd really be in a bad spot, wouldn't you mommy." The title drips with venom.
"I can understand why you're upset, Mijita. You're father and I, we let things get too far. I never wanted it to go there, but as I said, I had no choice. Still, your anger toward us is unwarranted and unhealthy. We've only ever wanted what's best for you."
"You sure have a funny way of showing it. And for the last time, he's not my damn father. Never has been, never will be."
"How can you say that? How can you be so hateful toward Ben when he worked so hard to raise you after your father abandoned-"
"Don't you dare fucking go there!" White hot anger fuels me. "My dad never abandoned me. He left to get away from you! And you're so quick to forget that the reason he's wasting away in prison right now is also because of you! Even after you made his life hell, cheated on him, purposely sabotaged every attempt he tried to make his life better, he still tried to protect you. And you repaid him by running off with the first man who paid you a spec of attention. You're pathetic."
"You're so young an naive," she sighs again, and eerily calm quality to her voice. If feels off. I'm not holding back, saying everything I've ever wanted to say, because part of me wants to hurt her as much as she's hurt me.
I expected yelling, for that calm facade to slip away and reveal the monster behind the mask, but she doesn't break. She must have rehearsed everything she wanted to say, and reasoned with herself to stay calm no matter what came out of my mouth.
I'm not falling for that shit though. She hasn't changed, and she's not sorry. It's all a tactic to get me back in her clutches. She misses her punching bag.
"You have no idea what it takes to make a relationship work, how hard it was to be with that man. You have no idea what went on behind closed doors. You've always put him on a pedestal, but your dad was not the Angel you think he was."
"I know exactly what went on behind closed doors. The walls were thin mommy dearest. You beat him, and he just took it because he was bigger than you and didn't want to hurt you back. Then he left, so you turned your anger on me... because I look like him right? That's why you hate me so much isn't it? Because I look just like my dad and it made you resent me."
"Stop with the dramatics Noa. Stop dragging this out and making it more painful than it needs to be. I know I'm not a perfect mother, but I've tried my hardest. Just come home. We can work on our relationship. We can get you on a better path-"
"Don't worry about the path I'm on. I'm not coming back, and I'm doing just fine where I am. Worry about your relationship with your other kids now. Fix things with them because you will never get the chance to fix things with me. Ever!"
I hear sniffling, and I know she's pulling her usual bullshit. Whenever my mom realizes her manipulation tactics aren't working, she resorts to crying to gain sympathy, but I don't feel an iota of pity for her. This is all her doing, and wether she eventually comes to that conclusion or not is in her. I won't be around for the grand realization regardless.
"Stop crying Tamara. Your tears are as fake as your half assed apology. Go cry to Ben, or literally anyone else, because I don't give a shit."
"Noa please," she sobs. "Stop being so cruel to me."
"Cruelty is just another thing I learned from you, and you taught me well." There's a pause in which she sobs harder, and I can picture her shoulders shaking and her head buried in her hands from the shame. It's a comforting mental image, but I don't plan on entertaining this call any longer. I've heard enough and said mostly everything I need to say. Oh and Tamara-" her sniffling stops. "If I find out that you or your husband are hitting my little sisters, I'll be making a phone call to CPS, and I'll come back to Yuma and beat the shit out of you and that low life myself."