All The Things We Never Said

V

Kai

I mopped the floor with every other gamer at Ollie's tournament tonight, and I'm on cloud nine, not just because of the money I won from placing bets and beating everyone, but because Noa was here to see it. There aren't many areas of my life where I feel talented or confident, but music and gaming are two things no one can take from me, two things that I know without a shred of doubt that I'm better than other people at.
I hadn't even thought that Noa was paying attention until she started jumping up and down when I won, her pride in me almost tangible, she was so excited for me. It felt good to know she saw me as a winner, even if I won something seemingly unimportant. Her bright smile, and the way she wrapped her around around my neck as she hugged me warmed me from the inside out.
"You played well," Cole tells me as Miranda glares at me, trying to drag her boyfriend from the room so they can leave. I knew that already, but I thank him anyway. At least he's not being a sore loser.
"So what now Champion?" Noa asks when half the group has cleared out and the remaining guys have settled into a game of Call of Duty.
"Beach and a celebratory blunt?" I suggest. I cant bring her to my house because my mom would make us leave the door open and hover, and we can't go to her house because I've yet to meet her aunt and uncle, and I don't know how they would feel about her bringing a guy over in the middle of the night. The beach is sort of our default when we have no real plans and nowhere to go.
"For someone with Megalohydrothalassophobia, you sure like going to the beach." Correction, I like going to the beach with you.
There's just something about it that feels like our thing, and I'll face my fear of an encounter with Cthulu, or any other sea beast for an opportunity to spend quality time with her.
"I'll be brave," I shrug nonchalantly like it's not a big deal, because it's not when it comes to Noa and what she wants. I think it's easier to ignore my fear of the ocean because she loves it so much, because when we are near any body of water, she cant contain her smile.
"So we're going for a late night swim?" Her smirk is nothing less than challenging.
"I wouldn't go that far," I wince at the mere thought of ice cold salt water touching my skin. "We can stay on the sand and appreciate the ocean from a distance."
"Say less. That's only my favorite thing ever."
"Alright we'll leave soon. I'm almost out of weed. I'm gonna grab some more from Ollie before we head out." I hate to interrupt during the middle of a COD match, but weed is imperative. I find that I'm more relaxed and I overthink less around Noa when I'm high. "Hey dude, I know you're busy right now, but I need your services once your done."
"Yeah sure man," he nods, passing his controller off to Henry. "Take over for me Henry." He doesn't seem even the least bit bothered that he didn't get to finish his match. He's a salesman first, and a gamer second. "In my room," he motions for me to follow him back down the hall, and up the grand staircase to the second floor of the house.
     His room is neater than most would assume, but still messy with clothes and trash littering the floor, blankets crumpled up on his unmade bed. He returns from his closet with four mason jars of weed.
"I have a hybrid, a Sativa, and two different indicas. This strain is my favorite right now." He uncaps the jar labeled Melon OG, a pungent hybrid strain bursting with orange fibers. That tells me it's none of that mild, natural home grown shit. It's been altered and infused to enhance the high.
"Smells good, looks good. I'll take an eighth."
"Cool," he grabs a scale from a nearby drawer and begins separating and measuring. "Any plans tonight?" He adds the weed to a container for me, throwing in a bit extra for customer loyalty.
"Just gonna go chill at the beach with Noa for a little bit, then take her home." He lets out a small breathy laugh, smirking as he hands be the green capsule, taking my bill and counting out my change.
"What?" I avert my eyes from his, feelings of awkwardness seeping into my pores.
"Noa's...hot."
"Okay," I clench and unclench my fist.
"The guys think so too."
"Who gives a fuck?" She's not mine, and probably never will be, but that doesn't mean I want to hear about how every man that looks at her becomes entranced, like she's a fucking siren luring sailors to their death. I fell prey to that same entrancement, but I've since decided I'll never act on a single one of my desires.
"No need for hostility. I just thought I'd let you know."
"Why?"
"So you can stop being a little bitch and lock that down before someone else does."
"Okay let me walk you through everything wrong with what you just said. First and foremost, don't ever say lock that down again, okay, this isn't a 90's romantic comedy. I'm not being a little bitch about anything. We go to school together, we're friends. The most important thing you should take away from all of this, is that you still live with your mommy and daddy. So do all of your friends. Noa would never give any of you the time of day," I say bitterly.
Who even knows if what I'm saying is true. I don't have the courage to ask Noa what her type is, so it could be any one of the guys that came here tonight. There's a good number of them I think I can safely rule out as a potential match, but then I'm reminded of every time I've walked down the street and seen a gorgeous woman on the arm of a hideous man. Beauty really is subjective.
There are a few of them that could totally be her type. Casey is tall, and lives in the gym when he's not playing video games. Anthony, as obnoxious as he is, has piercing blue eyes. Ollie has a heart warming smile and a contagious laugh, and is charming as hell. He's also an all around good guy. I've never seen him in a bad mood, and he's always nice to everyone.
"I wasn't saying I was gonna go for it. I was actually just trying to be a friend and give you the push you needed, but now you can eat shit. You live with your mommy too, dickhead," he pushes my chest.
"Yeah s-"I do live with my mom, in a house that's not half as nice as this. "Yeah." I relax my shoulders. Noa wouldn't date me either. "Sorry bro, I shouldn't have made fun of you for living at home. There's nothing wrong with living at home."
"It's all good bro. You're defensive and that's okay. Just take what I said, smoke some of this herb, and think about it." Oh I'd think about it. It was all I'd been thinking about it. She consumed me, and it's no wonder why when we spent so much time together.
"I've got other things to think about, real things." We'd never be real, not as anything more than we were now. Friends.
"You wanna know what's real?"
"What?"
"You're real-LY stupid!" He smacks be upside mr head.
"Don't smack me," I smack his cranium in revenge. "You sell me drugs but I don't know you like that."
"It's offensive that you're at my house every other week and you still treat me like a means to an end, but you're a good customer, so I'll let it slide, but only if you slide your dick out of your hand and tell Noa you want and need her from the depths of your soul."
"I'll find someone else to buy weed from if you don't shut up. I'm not kidding."
"Fine, then if you're not interested, I'll just find her Instagram-"
"I think she's pretty, but I'm not her type. She's so fucking out of my league it's not funny-" I blurt, taking his threat seriously. I could have made him work harder for the admission, a chokehold maybe, some light water boarding, but I knew he wasn't bluffing about finding her Instagram.
He'd once tracked down a girl he met at a festival and then lost before he got her number on Instagram, using only her first name. If there was anyone who could do it, it was him.
"Kai, you're fucking kidding me. That shits not real! My uncle chased my aunt for like forty years before she realized she loved him back. You know how as guys, we don't keep a girl around unless we somewhat want to fuck them? Girls don't keep guys around unless they somewhat want to fuck them either. And if they don't somewhat want to fuck a guy, they definitely don't pick up weed and go smoke at the beach in the middle of the night with them.The friend zone is fucking candy land. It's Narnia bro! It doesn't exist!"
Maybe I'm just too high, but that actually makes a little sense in a fucked up way. I hated to admit that sex was always the end goal with girls, but I'd avoided them like the plague until I realized they were soft and smelled good, until my brain linked them with the hard ons I'd had to hide in the waistband of my pants.
It wasn't like it was all I thought about. I hung out with Noa because I enjoyed her company, but if we're being honest I was drawn to her physically before we became friends, which is all anyone has to go off of before they take the time to get to know someone. We can blame shallowness and ego. We can blame the death of chivalry and courting, but it's just biology really.
"Okay but... I don't want to want a girl who somewhat wants to fuck me. How do I get her to want to... all the way fuck me? And what if I don't want to all the way fuck or even somewhat fuck right away? What if I want to wait?"
"Kai, what are you- Is this 1952? Twenty first century women aren't asking for promise rings and a marriage license. How long did you plan to wait?"
"Well I don't know I... I haven't really been thinking that far ahead. I was just kind of hoping we could keep hanging out like we do now until we get more comfortable and then we could...."
"Blow each other?" I was thinking more along the lines of hand holding, maybe a little Netflix and cuddle.
My neck would separate from my head in a bloody explosion of Noa even touched me outside of my pants, let alone put my dick in her mouth. The only thought that makes me knees weaker is the thought of my mouth on her, of how she might taste, or the sounds she might make.
"You're depraved."
"And you're a virgin. Acceptable at sixteen, but when you're a virgin at twenty, you're sitting in a very lonely circle. You could have your ticket out of that circle with one of the hottest girls either of us has ever seen in our lives! Why don't you want that for yourself?"
I can't respond to his question, or even comprehend anything after the word virgin. It's supposed to be a secret, a dark one, any a secret only person is supposed to know.
"I'm not a virgin."
"Yes you are. Nico told me." He better stay in jail then, because I'm going to strangle him when he gets out. I can feel the color draining from my face. My mom would probably burst with parental pride if she knew I'd never had sex, but it wasn't for a lack of trying. "Speaking of Nico, I don't have to tell you he's getting out in a few weeks. I think you were right when you said Noa would never go for any of us, but the two of you have a... a cute little spark," Ollie fills in the gap.
A cute little spark? A cute little fucking spark?! You sell me weed. You're a literal drug dealer, and you're using phrases like 'a cute little spark?'..
"Tell me how these lowkey gatherings that were supposed to be gamers only went from really fun to feeling just like fucking high school. Where'd you hear about the spark? Have you been talking to the girlfriends? It's a giant drama filled social circle now Olivier?"
     "We don't need to use full first names Kaito, and anyone in the room with half a fucking pulse and an ounce of sense could see that the two of you have a little something something going on." My head snaps back until my vision is trained on the ceiling, an exhausted groan traveling up my chest.
     Noa was downstairs waiting for me, in a garage with boys who I now knew wanted to get into her pants, while Ollie was holding me up, convincing me that I also wanted to get into her pants.
     "What does any of this have to do with Nico getting out next week."
     "You need to have at least kissed her or asked her on a real date before he gets back. I'm not talking about a hangout and smoke sesh at the beach. Like an actual, planned date that ends somewhere between first and second base. It's your call bro. Just make it snappy, cause that girl is your best friends ideal type. Maybe I'm just stoned and reading too much into it, but uhh... me and Nico know each other because he swooped a girl right out from under me a few years back."
     Weight settles in my chest and stomach, thickness coating my throat as a reality I hadn't even thought of sets in.
     "But I'm probably wrong. I mean you guys have been like best friends since grade school right? He wouldn't do that do you." He claps me on the shoulder and leaves me to show myself out of his room.
***
     Driving down PCH late at night, while the traffic is so dead that all of the cars are scattered and the noise of engines and people don't drown out the sound of waves is stunning. Noa can't take her eyes off of the dark horizon, but my mind is elsewhere.
     Elsewhere being the sudden awareness of how soon Nico's release date was. The month flew by, and selfishly, I hadn't thought about my best friends homecoming in weeks. I'd only had three phone calls with him since he went away, one of which was for his twentieth birthday, which would hopefully be his first and last birthday behind bars.
     The other two times were just to check on him, but when I called a month and a half ago, we hadn't had much to say. There was never anything new happening in my life, and nothing much he could update me on with nowhere to go and nothing to do. He sounded really sad, not at all like himself, but reassured me that he'd be back soon enough and that I didn't have to keep wasting my money on phone calls.
The thought never even crossed my mind that Nico and Noa would have to meet someday, that the separate friendships I held with the two of them would eventually have to merge, and now that Ollie has brought it to my attention, it's making me spiral out of control. His words ring in my head.
That girl is your best friends ideal type.
And fuck if that wasn't the truth. I'd spent enough time analyzing the girls Nico went for to know that he wasn't into the blue eyed, blonde hair look. He liked dark hair, plump pink lips and and tanned skin; Noa.
      Though we've settled into a comfortable routine of platonic companionship, I've been battling myself regarding my feelings for her. I keep jumping back and forth between not wanting to upset the balance of our friendship, and wanting to tell her that I'm never happier than when I'm with her.
Some days I'm just content to be in her warm, reassuring presence, and other days I feel like I need to hold her in my arms and tell her how I feel like I need my next breath.
     I've been telling myself not to be rash, to take as much time as I need to decide if I should leave things as they are, or if I should try to gradually cement myself as someone Noa could see herself with. I don't have the first idea of how to do that, but I'd thought I had ample time figure it out, to become someone she'd be proud to be with.
     The realization that the grains of sand in my metaphorical hour glass have almost run out are accompanied by a sickening drop of my stomach. I can see so clearly how things would play out. As the two closest people in my life, they would have to be introduced. It was unavoidable.
     Nico, who thinks with his little brain far more often than he does with the one on his shoulders, would be enamored at first glance, rightfully so. He'd be drawn to her warm eyes, and her sensuous lips that demand attention. He'd be obsessed with her soft voice and easy going nature, and I would be royally fucked, because she'd probably be just as into him as he is into her, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
     Mental playbacks flash behind my eyelids every time I close them; Nico pulling six girls numbers on Venice beach with so little effort, it's comical. Nico borrowing the back seat of my car twenty minutes after meeting a girl at a party, a party where the only person we knew when was showed up was the host. Nico being hit on and buried in female attention almost everywhere we go. Nico never being turned down by single girl he's ever pursued.
     It's never ending, and while his talent for flirting and being charming never bothered me before, I'm bothered now, deeply so. Even if he didn't have the ability to sweep her off her feet with his words and personality, his undeniable good looks would do the trick, they always did.
     It wasn't a mystery why I'd had one romantic interest for every twenty I'd had. I'm shy, and held and average score on the scale of attractiveness, while Nico breaks that scale. I look like an exhausted dad of three, while Nico looks like he models for Prada. My hair always looks like it could use unruly, like it could use a cute. His always looked perfect, long or short, messy or styled. He's tall, and tattooed, and easy with his words, and I'm none of those things.
     "Kai?" Noa says next to me, her voice muffled to the pulse pounding in my ears.
     "Hmm?" My distracted hum makes her eyebrow pull up.
     "I asked if you have a jacket I can borrow? It's freezing."
     "Oh yeah, of course. Backseat in the duffel bag." She unbuckles her seat belt and slips over the middle console to grab it, arching her back to fit in the space between the front seats. My shoulders tense, as do my fingers over the wheel. Sheer will is the only thing keeping my eyes on the road, but I can see her shirt ride up to the small of her back as she leans farther over to reach the bag out of the corner of my eyes.
     I wish I wasn't thinking about what Ollie said earlier, about hooking up with her. To say the thought hadn't already crossed my mind a few times would be an utter lie. Of course it had, but thoughts like that are dangerous for two reasons. One, they would never come to fruition, and would only open me up for disappointment. Two, and more importantly, even if I got my wish, I'd never know what to do with it.
     Every time I let my mind race, and it slipped into a fantasy of me and Noa, the day dream would end abruptly, with me red in the face as I imagined all the ways I could underperform and mess up the experience for her and myself.
     So I stuck to safer thoughts, like how it would feel holding her hand in mine, or how warm it would be to cuddle with her while we study or watch TV. Sometimes, and only when I was in the safety of my bedroom late at night, I'd lay in bed and wonder if her lips felt as soft as they looked, and if the pink tinted lip gloss she wore had a flavor to match its fruity scent.
     "Thanks," she pants from the exertion of shuffling through the back of my car, sliding down her seat and slipping the brown hoody over her head. "Mmm," she hugs her arms around herself. "Smells so good. What cologne did you have on last time you wore this?"
     "Uhh," I struggle to remember. "Armani, I think." I hope she doesn't want the name of the scent specifically, because I can't recall right now for the life of me.
     "Are you okay? You've been really quiet since we left Ollie's."
     "Aren't I always quiet?" I say, because the real answer is too much to explain, and too humiliating to admit.
     "Not around me," she shakes her head.
She's got me there. She's one of the very few people I'm not quiet around.
     "I'm fine," I sit up straighter, clearing my throat. "I was just thinking about Nico getting out in a few weeks. It sounds really bad, but I kind of... forgot about it until Ollie mentioned it. I've just been busy with school and-" You. Hanging out with you. Thinking about you all day everyday even when I'm not around you.
    It's dangerous subject matter considering I was just starting to plot ways to put off introducing them until I can't anymore, but at least it's something true. I don't have the energy or focus to spin a lie to cover up what I was really thinking about, or how those thoughts so deeply intertwine with the surface level answer I gave her.
     "Right I forgot. The famous Nico is coming home." A small smile tugs at her lips, and disappears quickly as an emotion I can't quite detect flashes over her features. "Does that mean I'm being demoted as your friend?"
     "Nah I don't think that's necessary. Nico will just have to learn to share me," I chuckle, my stomach feeling warm and tingly as I piece together the emotion I couldn't figure out. Worry. She thought I wouldn't want to spend as much time with her once Nico got back, which is ridiculous. Now that I know what it's like to be close to her, I'll never go back.
     "I mean I wasn't just going to stand by and let him push me aside anyway. I'm a little too attached to you for that." An arrow straight to my heart. Our elbows touch on the arm rest, and electric sparks course through me. "Even if he didn't want me around, I'm not going down without a fight. I just wanted to know if I had to get ready for one." I almost laugh out loud at the thought of Noa squaring up with Nico.
     "I wouldn't have let him push you aside either, for the record," I feel the need to explain. It's nice to know that she cares enough about our friendship to worry about it, but I don't want her to feel threatened. "It's not that deep anyway though. I mean we're best friends but we aren't territorial of each other like that."
     "That's not how you make it sound when you talk about him." A dimple indents her cheek as she smirks.
     "What are yo- how do I talk about him?"
     "Like you're secretly in love with him and it's only you two in the world," she answers without hesitation. "I don't even know the dude and I feel like my being around is an intrusion on-"
     "Okay let's relax. We're not freaking co-dependent.  You're talking like we're in an intimate relationship."
     "Before tonight I didn't even know you had other friends because he's the only one you ever talk about, and you bring him up more than you probably realize by the way. I wasn't insinuating that I think you guys are in a secret gay relationship Kai. I just want to understand the dynamic. You talk about him like he's god."
     "Do I?" I hadn't realized I talked about him as often as she claims, but I guess it makes sense. All of my good stories and happiest memories involve Nico, so it never occurred to me how much I bring him up in conversation.
     "Yes," she answers with finality. "You're like the only friend I have here, so forgive me for being curious about my competition." The electric currents from earlier return full force, from the top of my head down to my toes. To be considered a friend by her, her only friend, fills me up with an emotion I've never even felt before, one I can't put a name on.
     "It's not a competition and you have nothing to worry about. Nico coming back changes nothing about how often we hang out. He's also not interesting or cool enough to warrant curiosity." It's rude of me to say, and it's not how I actually feel about Nico, but I'm threatened by the idea that she'll find him more interesting than me, so I'm not giving him a head start with her by signing his praises more than I already have.
     "You don't have to do that thing." She shoots me an exasperated glance as I pull off into a parking lot in front of a narrow stretch of beach.
     "What thing?"
     "That thing guys do where they counteract good things they say about their friends with bad things to keep the masculine balance. I don't think you're soft for being close to and admiring your best friend."
     If only she knew it had nothing to do with masculine balance or being soft, and everything to do with sabotage. My whole logic sounds dumb, even to me, but if I just talk about him like he's just a dude, and not a an alluring sex magnet, she won't be enchanted by him. My preemptive tactic feels underhanded and sneaky, but justified somehow. They haven't even met yet, and I'm boldly assuming based on one conversation that they are going to want to rip each others clothes off at first glance.
     It feels wrong, but I have to skew her perception of him, not enough to make her hate him, but just enough that she sees the red flags. For all his good qualities, Nico has some bad ones too. He's hot headed and impulsive, reckless and arrogant. His mood shifts a lot, which isn't damming alone because so does mine, but where I get sad and sulky, he gets downright irritable and snappy. If I wasn't best friends with the guy, I'd probably hate him.
     A very selfish part of me hopes that Noa hates him, prays that his naturally sarcastic nature is off putting to her, and that she can't stand the way he lets even the most brash and offensive thoughts roll off his tongue, because he doesn't know what social anxiety is.
     "Do you think he'll like me?" I detect a hint of nerves in her voice. "I mean it's not like I'll care if he doesn't but it would be easier for you if we got along so..."
     Not only do I think he will like her, but I imagine he will instantly start plotting how to get her in bed, and working her under his spell. The thought makes me angry and physically ill. What he does with other girls isn't my business, but I won't let him treat Noa like another notch under his belt. I'm going to find a firm way to make it clear that she's off limits, without letting in that it's because I want her for myself.
     "I'm sure he will like you just fine. You're not a hard person to get along with."
     "Do you think I'll like him?"
My world will crumble if you do. Please don't. You're smarter than that Noa. Don't fall for his shit.
     "I don't see why not." She accepts that answer, nodding as we exit the car into the freezing autumn air. Our feet sink into the sand as we trudge side by side, huddling into each other. It's an unspoken thing, how it's never too cold or too late for a beach trip.
     "Is it stupid that I'm kind of nervous to meet him? I just know he's important to you, and I want him to like me."
     "It's not stupid, but you really have nothing to worry about. He will like you because I do." She accepts my statement with a nod.
     I didn't think she cared at all about what others thought of her, but the more I find out about Noa, the more I realize that I might never fully understand her at all. She's en enigma, and open book in some respects, cautious and guarded in others, calming and chaotic all at once.
     Before I knew her, back when she was nothing more to me than the object of my attention in Public speaking, I presumed that she was incredibly sweet and kind. She was always smiling at everyone, and was always so respectful during classroom discussions, even when someone had an ignorant view point. It wasn't until I got to know her better that I discovered another side to her, the side that takes no shit and has a slick answer for even slightly snide comments thrown at her.
     I bet that would peak Nico's interest too, her quick, cutting, smart way with words. He's got the same power, never hesitating or mumbling, not like I do. Together, they have more similarities than I have with either of them, but I won't sink back into these worries when I have limited time left with just me and her. It would be a waste.
I take her to a new beach tonight, one deep in Malibu she's never been too before, because I have to make the night special somehow, even if she doesn't understand why.
"Can you imagine living this close to the ocean?" She marvels, shaking her head at the houses a few yards behind us, one's owned by people so rich that they can afford to have the beach in their backyard.
"Technically it's bad for homes because of wind erosion. It slowly decays and destroys the structure. People who own beachfront property need far more home maintenance than those who live more inland."
Lord only knows where the fact vomit spewed from, or why I felt the need to say that sequence of words when I could have just said 'yeah, it's beautiful' in response, but I can't shut myself up once I've started.
"That wouldn't stop me from buying property out here," she shrugs. "Doesn't that happen over the course of like decades anyway?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right," I admit.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course you can."
"And this is in like the most respectful, least judgmental way."
"Get on with it," I tease.
"Why does your mind always go to the most negative place?"
"I.... I don't know," I answer honestly, because it's a habit of mine I can't quite place the reason for. I guess I've always been that way, assuming the worst, jumping to very terrible conclusions when the reality isn't nearly as bad as my brain imagines.
"We're going to work on that, you know?" Her delicate fingers play in the sand, letting it slip between the cracks in her fingers.
"How?"
"By making you see just how fortunate you are everyday. I'm by no means religious, but I do believe life is a gift, one we only get once. Are you really going to spend it worrying what's around every corner, always believing the worst possible thing will happen?"
"At least I'll be prepared." It's a half joke, but she doesn't smile. Instead, she rolls her eyes, her mouth turning into a dissatisfied frown.
"Yeah, and one day you'll wake up, realizing you never took chances, or saw the ok best in yourself, or believed the best possible thing could happen because you deserved it."
"The best things only happen to special people." It feels so stupid to say out loud, but I've always felt that way, like there are a select few people who live life on easy mode simply because of looks or ability or talent. I'm not oone of those people.
"And you don't think you're special?" Her eyes narrow in a way that tells me she's offended by my self assessment.
"Not particularly, no." My answer comes quick, because I don't have to think about it too long. I don't believe I'm unlucky per-say, but not many things in my life have happened that make me think I'm more blessed or prosperous than the next person.
"I didn't used to think I was lucky or special either. Then I realized that if luck is what you want, you have to make it yourself, so I did. Now look at me. Living on the California coast with my aunt and uncle who hardly knew me before I reached out to them. Sometimes all it takes is a leap of faith."
Even with the dark of the beach swallowing up most of the light around us, I can see the brightness in her eyes, the hope that things can be better, that there is more to life than all of the bad things that weigh is down and make it hard to sleep at night.
My naturally cynical complex makes me want to shut that theory down, to remind her that the probability of exponentially good things happening is much lower than the probability of exponentially bad things happening. Of course there's that day to day neutral space where happenings aren't good or bad, they just are, and it's no more exciting or boring , or bad than the next day, but my days tend to veer more towards the bad side.
Until a little over a month ago of course, when out of the blue, the one girl I'd been pining and daydreaming over acknowledged me. At the time, I'd thought that day was a fluke, one of the few allowances of luck I'd ever receive. Now I feel like Noa's place in my life is more permanent, but I still don't feel lucky enough to believe that someday she won't outgrow me, in all my gloomy, adverse glory.
Why wouldn't she? I give it a few more months out here, and she will have all the friends she will need, people who will provide more than a ride in a shitty car, or unimaginative trips to the beach in the middle of the night. I picture her getting close to the type of people who would sneak her into an exclusive nightclub or a B list celebrity party.
But if she'd really wanted to, wouldn't she have ditched you and met those people already?
The thought sinks in my mind, the realization that her entering my life was my run of luck for the next decade settling with me. If that was my good fortune for the next millennium, could I complain?
"I didn't think I was lucky until you paired with me in Public speaking." The fact tumbled out of my mouth before I can stop it, before I can reason that it's a completely asinine thing to say. I'd melt into a puddle of embarrassment if Noa hadn't looked at me the way she did, like no one has ever uttered a sweeter word to her.
"There are like thirteen people with a higher grade than me," she half smiles, fingertips fidgeting with the aglets on her hoody strings.
"I don't care about the grade. I care that you're the first person I've met at school who I actually enjoy spending time with. The only one who I can talk to without wanting to scratch my eyeballs out."
"Wow," she smiles dreamily. "I don't think I've ever been paid a higher compliment." She leans into me a bit, but then she could just be swaying from the strong coastal wind hitting us. It's too dark for me to tell, but I'm almost sure I see her pupils dilate, doubling in size, but I convince myself I imagined that.
"Don't get used to it. I don't have too many more of those in the tank." My laughter comes out too anxious, far too unhinged to fit the current mood. She hasn't moved her gaze from me for a full minute. I've been counting the seconds.
So many thoughts swirl through my head, but the ones that take precedence do nothing to motivate me.
You're imagining this moment is more intimate than it is because you want it to be. It's all you want. It's all you think about. It's all you dream of.
Her laughter matches mine for a few seconds, and then there is silence, confidence crushing silence that has me reaching for something to say, anything to fill the awkward space.
Her lashes are so dark and thick, they could blow me into the middle of the ocean with one blink. My breath is caught in my throat, but I have to say or do something to kill this silence.
Kiss her.
No sooner has the thought popped in my head, than a sick drop of my stomach follows.
She doesn't want you to kiss her. She can do better. She's so out of your league, it's unimaginable.
So even though I want to... I don't. I stare at her perfectly pink lips, her pout, the way she's so close to me that I could close the distance with a slight tilt of my upper body. I'm frozen to my spot, denying myself every positive thought playing behind my desperate eyes, every fantasy and every could be because I'm just too scared to go for it.
Just do it. You never go for anything. Just see what happens.
I'm seconds too late. Noah leans back on her heels, her mouth turning into a frown for such a split second, I almost miss it.
I bury the thought that I ever even had a chance at all. Close proximity doesn't mean she wanted  me to kiss her, or had any vaguely romantic feelings for me at all. Maybe she was cold and leaning into my body heat. Maybe I imagined the whole thing.
     I try not to let that crashing feeling in my stomach overtake me