Without You

Chapter Five

This chapter contains a sensitive subject, and it can be a trigger for some. Read at your own will, but you had been warned.

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Chapter Five: Multifaceted Pain

Do you know that feeling when you're holding something so valuable, then you clumsily trip on your own feet; you lose grip on that something and everything becomes slow-mo as you helplessly watch it shatter to the ground? You know you can't do anything as the pieces scatter around your feet, scratching you in the process; making blood drip from your fresh wounds. Knowing it was priceless and irreplaceable, you had lost it for good.

That's exactly how I felt like.

I knew. I knew the minute the doctor came out of the room with an impassive, exhausted expression on his frowning face. He pulled Sarah to the side and spoke to her in a hushed whisper. It only hit me when Sarah's countenance turned pale with mortification and despair.

Nana didn't make it. She died. She's gone.

I sat there, mixed emotions swirled around my head. My brain couldn't fathom all of these haphazard signals. I was enraged, remorseful, horrified, and anguished at the same time. My body didn't know if I wanted to yell, to cry, or to punch a wall. I mutely stared at the snow-white tiled floor, feeling detached from this sudden reality of everything.

My life is completely gone. It's game over.

"Juliet."

I forgot that Natalie was sitting beside me, squeezing the life out of my hand. I was too lost in my blurred thoughts to even care or notice. I saw Sarah wipe her tears away before walking towards us; trying to hide the weary, sorrowful expression for my sake.

"She's dead, I know." I spoke indifferently when she opened her quivering mouth to tell me the grim news. My voice sounded so bitter and callous, as if I wasn't the person who spoke those soul-shattering words.

"Oh, Jules." She drew me in a firm, comforting embrace. But I was unfazed, I didn't move, I didn't hug her back. My arms fell limp to my sides, too heavy to lift.

"I'll handle the child services, since you'll turn eighteen only in a couple of months. Don't worry sweetie, you'll stay with us as long as you want."

She wiped her stray tears away and flashed me a reassuring, sad smile. That made my weak heart tug painfully, the last thing I need right now was pitty. I felt my best friend's arm wrapping itself around my shoulder, giving me a sideway, tight hug.

"We'll get through this, you and me Jules. I'll be with you in every step of the way, and you better get used to it 'cause you're stuck with me." She tried to humor with a playful smile on her face. Not a second passed until she turned serious again.

"Hold on, okay? Don't give up on me. Just hold on."

Hold on to what? There was nothing for me to hold onto. There was nothing strong enough for me to hold. That rope of hope already gave away. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to find comfort in her words. I wanted to believe what she said was true. Unfortunately, she might be too late. I was in too deep, wandering around endlessly in pitch black.

Nana's gone. Nana's dead. What little speck of hope left died with her heart.

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I was only supposed to pack my things. I was only supposed to get in and get out. I was supposed to leave the past behind me as soon as I was done.