If i were born different. //Salvis//

(6) How can he be indifferent

tw- abuse! and murder

I cant begin to tell you how bad it hurts. Hurts to know that your creator. The god all mighty that see's you wherever you go. The one man that is supposed to love all, the one who suffered for us. Hates you because of something you think is wrong. Even my father would have been ashamed. Knowing all his effort put into me had been wasted. That i was a failure, deep down i thought about sinful things. I dont understand why its so bad when it feels so right. The guilt right after makes you wanna choke. Wanna stab your stomach over and over til you feel nothing. Like your in nothingness and yet it feels so calm. So quiet.

Seeing him walk down the hallways, seeing him even look at me. Or laughing with his friends makes me feel warm. Makes me wanna hold him and cry with him. It makes me wanna kiss him and feel so safe. Yet these feelings make me hate myself. Makes me aware that i know i will never be loved. Not by my father, even though he wants me to do good i always fucked his faith up. My god, my savior hates me and i can tell. Im gonna burn and i dont know how to stop these feelings. And worst of all, the person who makes me think these horrible things thinks im a monster. He hates me because im just like my father. Hes such an angel. But he is such a freak for making me feel like this deep in my bones. I wanna scream and cry at him for making me like this and not leaving me alone. But i wanna kiss him and be by him because he makes me forget every guilt or bad feeling i had ever felt.

I never told my father that i had these feelings. I managed to supress them. Four years i held them back. While day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year i felt myself seep away more and more. My reality didnt feel enjoyable and the thoughts of death. Thoughts of being gone, to stop these feelings got really strong. I remeber being 14-15 in freshman year and wanting nothing more but my father to care and love me. All i needed was him to tell me that this was okay. But i couldnt even tell him. If i said anything too him ever about these feelings i would have been beaten.

When he hits me it hurts, i feel pain. I spilled the water, now theres other things spilling from my mouth, my knees, my ribs, when i cough other liquids seeping. The liquid always red and had a irony taste that made me wanna spill more liquids from my stomach. I guess it was like an eye for an eye. Deserving all of the hits, just so i wouldnt be burning in death. Dedicating my whole life to this lord. I prayed and prayed. But yet when my father beat me so bad while being drunk, causing me to almost die from blood loss and internal bleeding. He wasnt there. God didnt hear my prayers and save me from my father. This monster who decided to make me from a selfish pleasure and to destroy my body painfully. Destroy my sence of ability to care. Destroy me in ways no one could understand. No god was silent. God didnt save me from those thoughts i had for the weird boy with blue hair. God didnt save my mother when my father was stabbing her in the kitchen. God didnt even try to give her justice.

As i grew my own adult age and began to move away to boston. It took a while to undo all that my father did. And i began to question, if he was there. If he was here why. Why be indifferent to our pain? why not save us from our sufferage. Why be so spiteful and not care.'

Travis wiped the tears from his face as he closed his laptop. He sighed quietly as he went to wash his face.

It had been around a week or so since travis or sal had seen eachother, sal made sure to text travis back whenever he had genuine energy to do anything. They had small conversations and sal actually liked talking to travis. But he was busy, he had been with his friends for a while and for three days he went down too north carolina to meet and produce with people.

Sals life hadnt had too much in it but once he was home sal would make sure to take care of himself. And decided to call travis since they would do that alot.

"Hey, Sorry i didnt call you sooner i was with larry for a bit but im back home now"
Sal said as soon as he seen travis answered

"Its okay- I was just reading some really sad stuff you know and i cried" He huffed as he sniffled

"Imagine crying over something so small?" Sal said with a laugh .
"Oh oh! and do you wanna go to a concert i have. Its in two days and i really think you should go dude. You kinda have too since i told larry you were going."

"You did WHAT? larry is fucking horrifying and yet you told him before even asking me that i am going?. Well now i kinda have to go dont i" Travis huffed

"Exactly you get it!"