Inside My Head (Silent Moment Series: Book 6)

Chapter 33

The usefulness of my thoughts dissipated into the ether long ago, yet my mind continues to churn in the enveloping darkness, like a runaway motor relentless in its pursuit of motion. This sleeplessness has become my personal torture chamber. While the rest of the world surrenders to the gentle embrace of dreams, I find myself in a restless pursuit, chasing the elusive white rabbit. In his pocket, he holds the tantalizing promise of peaceful slumber, a key just out of reach. Amidst these tumultuous thoughts, a loud horn blares, shattering the silence. The couch beneath me vibrates with the intensity of the sound. The rabbit reappears, tantalizingly dangling the key before me. To reach it, I must navigate a minefield strewn with the remnants of my past misdeeds. Finn, Clarke, Lexa — their faces surround me, their eyes piercing into my soul.

I steel myself to face them, believing I had come to terms with our shared history. Yet, as they fade away, the true nightmare unfurls. I'm trapped, ensnared in the intricate web of my own mind, a labyrinth with no discernible exit. This is a prison of my own making, an inescapable reality crafted from my deepest fears and regrets. Suddenly, my eyes snap open, darting around the room in a frantic search for grounding reality. When my gaze finally settles on Bellamy's face, a wave of relief washes over me. In his steady, reassuring presence, I find an anchor. His eyes, filled with understanding and concern, tell me everything I need to know — in this moment, at least, I am okay.

Bellamy's sigh was a mix of relief and a heavy burden as he crouched down by my feet, his presence a comforting solidity in the room. "You're okay, you're still here," he murmured, each word tinged with a profound sense of gratitude and a lingering worry.

I could sense the depth of his concern, the unspoken fears that had probably haunted him while I slept. "Thanks to you," I replied, my voice soft yet firm, imbued with sincere gratitude. "How long have I been asleep?"

"A few hours," Bellamy answered, but his gaze shifted away, unable to meet my eyes. It was clear he was wrestling with an inner turmoil, his features creased with a blend of regret and self-reproach. "I'm so sorry, Kegan. I knew you were a target, and I didn't protect you."

His words stirred a resolve within me. This was not going to happen — I wouldn't let him drown in guilt for circumstances beyond his control. I groaned slightly from the effort as I sat up, feeling a wave of dizziness, but I managed to steady myself. Taking his hands in mine, I sought to offer both reassurance and strength.

"Bellamy, look at me," I urged gently. When his eyes met mine, I continued, "You saved me. That's what matters."

His expression softened slightly, but a new shadow of concern crept in. "But what about everyone else? How do we save the ones I left behind?"

His sense of responsibility, always so integral to who he was, shone through his words. I held his gaze, trying to impart not just reassurance, but a recognition of the harsh realities we faced.

"Think about it, Bellamy. If you hadn't made those tough calls, I'd be gone. We all would be — Echo, Raven, Madi. Joseph had his plans, and they didn't include us walking away. Your strategy, as hard as it was, was the only thing that stood between us and certain destruction."

"My plan was to use Joseph's mind-drive as leverage, to barter for peace. But now, that drive is empty, devoid of any mind," Bellamy lamented, the frustration evident in his voice.

"We don't need the mind-drive for that. We have me," I countered, a bold alternative forming in my mind.

Bellamy's realization was instantaneous, his reaction a mix of disbelief and refusal. "No, no way," he protested vehemently.

"Bellamy, if we don't return Russell's son to him—"

He interrupted, his voice laced with urgency, "Kegan, the moment you step through that door, the second he checks the drive and finds you're not his son, you're a dead man."