sad stories.

ykicmiomo

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, SUICIDE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, DARK THEMES

READ AT OWN RISK!!!
if you are in need of help, please call the suicide hotline or someone you trust. everything will be okay.

everything in my body felt heavy, like it was weighing me down. i was exhausted but i had more than enough sleep. i didn't know why my body was feeling this, or why my thoughts wouldn't stop racing. i just wanted everything to stop, to be quiet, to be calm.

i dreaded every morning i had to wake up to, for school. i couldn't bare it anymore to the point where i stopped going. i hadn't gone in a week, which didn't sit right with my mother.

the door slammed open, i fluttered my eyes open, my mother standing in the door way.

"are you going to school?" she asked.

"no." i muttered out, closing my eyes again.

"you haven't gone in a week." her tone was raised, "stop being so lazy, school is important."

i gave no response, every morning i didn't go it had gotten worse. the more and more i couldn't take having my mom trying to get me out of bed.

"you're going to fail high school, then what're you doing to do?" she asked.

i still gave no response.

"fucks sake, you're going to go no where in life." i heard the door slam, and i turned over. engulfing my head in my blanket.

i tried to sleep for a bit more, but i couldn't. i sat up in my bed, looking at my phone.

a text message was shown.

him: you okay? you haven't answered since yesterday afternoon. i'm really worried about you

"shit." i murmured before opening my phone and began to respond.

me: yeah, i'm okay sorry :)

him: you've been making me so worried.

me: i know, i'm sorry i'm just really sleepy i guess

him: i don't know if i can do this anymore, im sorry. just this is a lot to handle, your emotions are a lot. you've been putting so much weight on me lately

my face dropped as i read it.

me: i'm sorry baby, i'm just really struggling lately. please don't go, i promise i'll make it up to you

him: no it's okay, i think you just need time to yourself. i think it's best if we break up so you can do that

i felt tears well up in my eyes, tears that i thought i had none left of.

me: no please, i promise i'll be better. i can't lose you

me: i love you so much, i don't know what'd i'd do without you

him: i'm sorry, it's for the best

me: please don't go. i want you to stay

i stared at the screen, tear drops spilling onto the screen, waiting for a response. it never came. minutes passed, nothing. i still waited, eventually hours passed and there was nothing.

the more that time passed the more i went into a deep sadness.

i am nothing without him.

i couldn't comprehend that he actually left.

was i really too much? i constantly told him to let me know if i was, why didn't he tell me? he was the only motivation or thing i looked forward too. there was nothing left now.

every hour, every day i spent with him was now gone, and would never happen again. the laughs we shared, the cuddles, the love, all gone.

no matter how much i begged for a response or for him to come back, it was all for nothing, no response. 

i guess in the end it was never his fault. but mine. it was all my fault.

a felt an overwhelming feeling guilt come over me.

it's all my fault that he left, i scared him away with my feelings. he couldn't deal with my feelings, i damaged him.

the rest of the day, i did not sleep, i did not get out of my bed, i did not eat. i just laid in bed, unable to move as i did nothing but cry. i screamed and cried until my throat was raw.

my mom didn't bother to check up on me either, which made me feel worse. i felt incredibly lonely.

the feeling of guilt had gotten worse as night came. my thoughts had grown dark, thoughts of harming myself were strong. no matter how much i ignored them, they got stronger, and harsher. i couldn't handle the thoughts, i needed everything to stop.

i had picked most of the scabs and bumps on my body, and chewed on my nails until they bled. nothing was calming me down.

i couldn't take it anymore.

i glanced at the prescription pills i had on the corner of my bed side table.

i need quiet.

i instantly grabbed the bottle of pills, i didn't bother to count how many were in the bottle. i poured the pills into my mouth, and swallowed them with some water.

i wasn't crying anymore, i just felt empty.

i didn't feel satisfied with myself. i needed to do something more, it wasn't enough.

i opened my bedside table drawer were i kept a pocket knife.

my breathing got shaky as i began to roll up my sleeves.

"you're going to go no where in life." kept repeating in my head, as well as many other terrible thoughts.

pressing the blade harshly against my skin, as i bit my lip to ignore the pain. i didn't stop just after one, i made countless of gashes onto my forearms as well as my wrists. the pain was extreme, as blood poured all over my arms and onto my blankets. i couldn't care less. i eventually put the blade away and wrapped myself in my blood stained blankets. i felt lightheaded, i closed my eyes.

nothing felt real, my head felt fuzzy, my arms were stinging in pain but it felt numb. my breathing quickened as i was still feeling incredibly lightheaded. i could feel my heart pumping incredibly fast, skipping beats.

everything around me felt wet or damp.

what was happening to me? this has never happened before.

i opened my eyes, but my vision was pitch black. i couldn't see anything.

my ears rung loudly, as my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest.

i tried to talk but nothing came out, i felt incredibly weak.

did i over do it? am i going to faint? no, i feel so much worse than fainting. i wanted to throw up, but i could not move.

everything was fuzzy, and soon started to feel like everything was starting to fade.

this is it. this is the end. all my suffering has come to an end. this is what i wanted, right? for everything to stop. for everything to be at peace. all the pain was over. no more crying, no more yelling, no more guilt feeling, no more heavy feeling.

no more laughs, no more smiles, no more hugs, no more kisses, no more happiness, no more seeing friends, no more family, no more love, no more getting married or having kids. no more future.

i suddenly started to realize what was happening, and how much i was going to miss.

but by the time i realized it, it was too late. i was gone.

this feeling wouldn't have lasted forever, but i chose a permanent solution for it.