sad stories.

hate

i feel a deep disconnect from who i was in my childhood. i look back and i find it hard to believe it was the same person as now. that little girl experienced so much hate and pain, i feel that is the only thing her and i share in common. i do not share the same interests as her anymore, i do not think happy careless thoughts like her. i was not ashamed to be me.
instead my thoughts are filled
with worry about how others perceive me, something my younger self would have thought was a funny thing to worry about. i wish i could go back to being her.

as i've grown i've learned hate is everywhere, in everyone. my thoughts grew negative over time, perhaps that's how i've made it. though that wouldn't be possible without negative things happening or something deeply affects me. i can never seem to escape it. i have little i enjoy anymore, every day feels the same. each day i hope that something, even just a little thing happens that'll make me see the slightest bit of hope or joy, but it never does.

maybe i just care too much about what they think. though it feels like almost everyone needs to comment about me. i've heard every insult in the book practically my whole life, how could i not believe them? that's all they ever say.

just because i may not be standard pretty doesn't mean i don't have feelings or personality.

i'm terrified my friends aren't my friends, i'm scared their secretly talking or commenting about me. you can say i'm overthinking, but it's not when it's happened before.
i cannot keep repeating the same cycle.

i hear from my friends and family about negative experiences, how harsh the world is, how terrible people can be, how boys treat women. my own experiences are enough for me never ever want to do them again.

how am i supposed to live and enjoy this life with this hate and fear.