The Crystal Mines

35 Taury

I was able to step foot in the library the next day, actively avoiding the stacks that were dark enough to resemble an alleyway. The humiliation and self-hatred of not being able to do such a menial task, was detrimental to my mood. Garren kept looking at me as if I was going to snap at any moment. But I had already had my moment. I've done this before. I knew how to recover enough to continue with life. Truly, nothing had happened this time. But it was close. Too close.

Garren had held me all night last night, we never even made it to the bed. I woke up nearly on top of him, his arm loosely around my body, and his head on the arm of the chaise. After we ate, and he made absolutely sure no more chocolate was sent to my room, we went down to the library before dawn.

Emyr and Syphor were either still in bed, or they were dining with her father and mother. Garren had told me on our walk down here, that Emyr had introduced Syphor to her father and he was ecstatic to meet another phoenix. Though Syphor came from nothing, the King and Queen didn't bat an eye, only caring for their daughter's happiness. I still couldn't wrap my mind around being not just next to, but became friends, with the princess of Ashburn. To my knowledge, her and Callion may be the only royals left in Tarsen. The prince of Aegran had died a long time ago, leaving the King to mourn and live out his days without an heir. The wolf kingdom in Sieghild only had an alpha and beta and their pups. Between Sieghild and Salvare, lay Riveton. Though they were technically their own country, everyone knew they had given over control to Salvare. Now, a lord of some kind ruled there and reported to the crown of Salvare.

I hadn't read any of the books in front of me. Never turned the page, only stared at the words long enough, that their spellings looked wrong. Garren had found a spot to read on the second floor just beyond the balcony. It was open and I could see everything. He had thought of everything possible to make it easier for me to concentrate. But for some reason, I still couldn't.

I was being selfish again. That's why. This entire time, I had been shitty to him. And he still stayed by my side, catering to my stupid traumas. For what? Why? Love? I wasn't sure I was even capable at this point. Damaged and broken, my mind not always my own, but the girl in the alley way, agreeing to acts I would have never without After Dark.

I turned the page of the book, just because I was sick of the staring at the same thing. My notepad remained empty. My thoughts traveled to the memory of my first night with Garren. It was the night of The Bestowing. I had thought that for the first time ever, I was choosing someone for myself. No one was forcing me. I choose me. I choose him. I choose us. But the next morning, when the magic of the Spring Equinox was long gone and our Fae instincts reeled back in, I left his room and cried. I didn't have control that night. The magic chose for me. For us. The lie I had built around us, had revealed itself with fangs and venom. I had told him that night I had never had sex before. I didn't want what I had never agreed to, to be my first time. And not just that, he had said that if he was wrong, he'd walk out of my life. That he'd have to. I just didn't understand why he hadn't yet. He was wrong about me. About us.

"Hey," Garren's hand laid gently on top of my own, paused over the book. "Where did you go?"

I scowled. "What do you mean?" I wrenched my hand away. He didn't even flinch, only smiled. Infuriating.

"You haven't read a single thing out of that book." One glace at his languid writing scrawled all over multiple pages of his notebook told me it was obvious to him I was not truly present.

I sighed. "Why are you here?"

He flipped his notes and said, "Same reason you are. We need to find information about the Aura Crystals and tell Nik what we find. We can't break through the barrier surrounding the Adrastos Islands, so this is all we have." He turned his hand up and shrugged, indicating he was confused by my question.