Please don't blame me.

Part 1 - Memories.

Weeks, months even I've been here for. I can feel myself slipping away more and more each day. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. I've been here for so long, I never wanted to come back but I know it was the only possible way for me to survive and keep the people I love and care about safe.

I think hydra fixed the problem at hand, so I will no longer die as I heal people. However, they did continue with their torture. I know I need to escape, or send a message to the team or something. Let them know that I'm okay at least. But I'm so tired. I just want to give up, but I can't let Bucky down like that. I hope he's not forgotten about me, but I hope he's not beating himself up over it.

Bucky is the only thing keeping me going. It hard, they are trying to erase my memory of him and I together. They want me to hate him, they want me to kill him.

I can feel it working more and more each time they try. I hope Bucky picked up on my last comment. He can use Alfie, I need Bucky to know that if Alfie turns against him then so have I. If that happens I need him to not come after me.

I think this would be easier if Bucky did forget about me. If he moved on, found someone else that makes him happy. Although I can't help but feel a spout of jealousy just thinking about it. But part of me knows it would be better that way.

I do miss everyone dearly. Fuck, I even miss Loki. Id kill to have Loki hammering uncomfortable questions at me. I found some chalk in my cell and decided to draw something about everyone on the wall. They didn't bother to wash it off, said there was no point. When 'it' works I can use it as motivation. I'm not sure what they are talking about.

I drew Tony's ark reactor, Thors hammer, Steve's shield, a spider web with a little baby spider for Peter. I drew Toto the dog for Sam, a hoodie with the black widow symbol for Nat, an arrow for Clint, a green fist for Bruce, Wandas hand with her red orbs and visions head stone. Hell, I even drew little fireworks for Loki. And for Bucky? I drew the best impression of his metal arm that i could, but I did change his hydra star out for a love heart.

I've been constantly drilled by hydra about everything being my fault. It's because of me they lost their best weapon. It's because of me he no longer wants to come back. It's because of me my parents are dead, they told hydra they were going to spill their secrets. It's because of me Oliver is dead, they wanted to use him, create a weapon but because of me they had to kill him. It's because of me all those innocent people died.

Out of nowhere my cell door swings open. I was hoping they'd just leave me alone. "одеться." (Get dressed.) The agent in my cell doorway instructs as he tosses a ridiculous outfit at me before he leaves slamming the door behind him.

I inspect the clothes that he tossed at me. It's a fighting outfit, much like the one they gave me last time. It's horrible and I hate these things. I comply and get changed into it though.

It's got a hood and lots of holsters. It's surprisingly got pockets too. It's made mainly of leather which was exceedingly difficult to actually get on. It took me a while to get fully change into the outfit as I still had knife wounds from the day before.

Once I'm changed into the clothes I sit on the floor of my cell staring at the wall, the wall coated in memories of my friends. It doesn't take long before the cell door opens again. "приехать." (Come). The agent demands. I do as I'm told and stand up, following the agent out of my cell.

We get outside of pierces office and the agent ushers me inside. "Ah y/n, your here. Good." He starts all cheery. "Чего ты хочешь?" (What do you want?). I ask him, not wanting to be here.

"I'm conducting a new experiment. And I will be testing it on you. Your going to be my new little project" he grins. "какой эксперимент?" (What experiment). I ask cautiously.

"Your going to kill the Winter Soldier."