Please don't blame me.

Part 13 - Numb.

"Im sorry, let me get this straight... she tried to steal
A cow?" Tony asks confused. I decided to keep acting as I was before and I think Bucky went along with it despite our little mishap in the car. Im sure the others picked up on the tension in the room though. "No, she tried to steal a sheep named Cow" Bucky tries to explain. "And who named this sheep Cow then?" Tony asks finding this rather amusing. "She did" Bucky replies with a sigh pointing at me followed by holding his head in his hands, probably being fed up with this conversation.

Since I'm still acting in front of everyone, regardless of weather or not Bucky can see through my bullshit, I decide to join in on the conversation. "Well, technically it wasn't stealing. They're wild! They don't belong to anyone it was more like... adopting! Or rescuing!" I announce enthusiastically.

We all sat down in the living room just talking amongst ourselves. I've been avoiding eye contact with Bucky not even looking in his general direction. But I've not missed the hidden knowing looks he's been giving me on the odd occasions I do look at him. I know I've hurt him but honestly it's better this way.

"Y/n!" I hear Nat shout snapping me out of my own head. "да" (yes) I instinctively reply in Russian. "Are you okay?" She asks me worry evident on her face, the others also looking at me with the same look. "да, хорошо." (yes, fine.) I reply, almost robot like. "We were talking to you and you just blanked out." Tony explains. "Sorry, I've got to go." I tell them.

Without another word I get up and walk away leaving the others all with confused looks on their faces. I get to my room and lock the door behind me, not something I enjoy doing but right now I don't want to be disturbed.

I sat in the corner of my bed staring out of the window, hugging my knees securely to my chest. I end up thinking about everything, everything that happened at hydra playing through my head. It was worse this time around. Much, much worse.

Bucky's pov

"Is she okay?" Nat asks looking at me as y/n left the room. "I've no idea." I answered honestly. "What happened today Buck?" Steve asks me genuinely concerned. "She just- I don't even know. It's my fault, we were in a field drinking and I tried to talk to her and she got up and left to chase a damn sheep. When I got her back in the car I just bluntly asked her what happened to her there. It was stupid I know but I'm tired of her avoiding me!" I explain what happened.

Steve sighs and Tony puts his head in his hands as everyone else shares glances around the room. "Come on. We all agreed we'd give her time and let her come to us on her own. And you may have very well gone and fucked up whatever progress any of us have made!" Tony yells. "I know! I'm sorry okay! I'm sorry I just need to know, I need to know what happened to her and I need to know why the fuck she won't even look at me but Loki over there the one who made her uncomfortable and was rude to her gets to talk to her and laugh with her but she can't even spare a second glance for me!" I retaliate.

"I know it's hard Buck, but Tony's right she just needs space and you pushing her like that isn't going to do anything." Steve says trying to calm the situation down. "I know. I'm sorry okay. I'm going to get some air" I tell them before walking out of the compound and gong for a walk to cool off.

Y/n's pov

I get thrown into a pitch black room. The firm grip on my long dark hair finally lets go as he shoves me into the room. My body harshly making contact with the icy floor beneath me. The metal door slams shut as any remaining light gets shut out with it.

The room is black, more black than I can explain. I wouldn't even be able to see myself if there was a mirror in front of me. There isn't a single shred of light in this room. I'm finding it hard to tell if my eyes are even open or closed.

I slowly stand up gaining my balance on my shaky legs. Cautiously, I start walking forward, taking tiny, timid steps with the fear of falling, not being able to see the floor beneath me. I reach a wall and place my hand on it,
Slowly making my way around the room, my hand still trailing on the wall.

Judging by counting the corners of the walls, assuming this rooms has a standard four walls, i lapped the whole room three times. each time it felt smaller. I start to panic, feeling trapped. My breathing starting to get uneven I curl up into the closest corner I can find, wincing as the ice cold metal touches my bare skin. Everything feels like it's closing in on me, suddenly exhaustion takes over and I feel myself drifting into and impeccably uneasy sleep.

~~~

I wake up to the awful sound of the old metal door opening. The dim light emitting from the open door is to bright for me after spending however long in this godforsaken room. I screw my eyes shut not being used to any light. I hear a male voice laugh before the metal door shuts yet again, once again getting locked behind them.

"Слабый." (Weak.) I hear a male voice say. My eyes shoot open not having any idea where that voice came from let alone knowing that there was someone in the room with me.

"Жалкий." (Pathetic.)

"Уродливый." (Ugly.)

"Ошибка." (Mistake.)

"Отказ." (Failure."

All these words getting thrown around the room as I hear the man pace slowly around the room. My breathing must have been loud enough for him to figure out where about I am in the room as I feel him grab a fistful of my hair before forcefully shoving me against the cold wall. I feel my face cut against the wall at the impact.

I try to push him away from me, fight him off. The closest I get is kicking my leg out backwards and hitting him directly in the knee. That just angered him more as he flips me around smacking my back against the wall with force, i wince as I hear and feel my shoulder crack of the metal.

He presses himself up against me, still repeating those same five words over and over again. Pushing himself onto to me until I give up fighting him due to my lack of energy.

He-

I snap back into it after feeling a single tear slide down my face. I hang my head down remembering that night or day whatever it was. Kind of hard to tell there. I let a few more tears escape before I decide enough is enough.

I've tried it all since I've been back, everything. I tried denying that anything happened. I tried pretending like everything was okay. Fuck I actually tried to forget and be okay for real. But nothing works. I'm done now. I wipe away my escaped tears and come to a realisation... I don't care anymore. I don't. What happened at hydra broke me, this time it really did break me, for good.

Right now I'm- I'm just feeling so....
Numb.