Peanut Butter and Jenni

Thirteen

I wanted Marie to enjoy her life, to have fun while she had the chance.  "Sometimes I worry that you might be too sure about your future.  What do you think your life will be like when you're a sister?"

"Thanks for worrying about me, Dylan,  You don't need to do that.  Maybe I don't know EXACTLY what I'll be doing in four years, but I know what I won't be doing.  This place is filled with people up to their eyeballs with ideals about teaching...but when they get out of here, they're gonna get jobs in the suburbs taking care of kids who really don't need them, and they'll spend their days listening to pushy parents telling them that they expect their kids  their kids to make it to Harvard.  Even if they hate their jobs, they can't walk away because they'll have to make payments on their new Beemers.  Not me.  I'll be sent to a place where I'm really needed.  Where people are hungry and suffering.  My life is going to matter.  I'm not going to waste it.

I didn't even blink.  "I think I get it.  Kind of like a religious Peace Corps."

She rolled her eyes and rested her head on her right hand.  I guess.  That's a cute, simplistic way of putting it.  But most guys are simple-minded.  You're adorable, Dylan.  Like a well-read toddler."

I wasn't sure if I was being complimented or insulted.  I was never sure with her.

"Marie, this isn't my business, but I have a big mouth..."

"Of course you do, but say whatever you want to say, Wise-ass.  I don't have a lot of friends I can trust.  I'll listen to you.  I like your big mouth."

I went on.  "OK, I'm gonna sound like Jerry."  Marie buried her head in her arms.  "I'm sorry, but I can picture us twenty years from now with sixteen kids running around, having a blast and just being happy to be alive.  Doesn't that sound like fun?  Are you sure you want to be a sister?"

"Dylan, YOU ARE SUCH A GUY!  That is NOT a compliment, OK?  Do you think being pregnant for twelve years sounds like fun?  No thanks- you're not THAT handsome.  Find yourself a nice girl and have a dozen screaming little tax deductions with her.  For now, you can buy me a cup of coffee.  When you get back to Hays Hall, you can tell Jerry we had a date.  He'll be impressed."

That didn't go the way I wanted.  I didn't mean to propose marriage to a nun-wannabe.

"You didn't understand, Marie.  Or maybe I'm just stupid."

Marie nodded in agreement.  "Yeah, maybe.  Probably.  Definitely, without a doubt."

I tried to explain.  "I didn't necessarily mean the kids would be OURS;  maybe eight of mine and eight of yours.  I just meant that I think you'd be a wonderful mom.  I don't want you to miss out on things.  Things that we don't know anything about yet.  I don't want you to give them up before you know what you're sacrificing."

Marie shook her head and said, "Go get me coffee- light with two sugars- and a bagel with cream cheese on the side, and we'll continue the discussion.  But as a first date, this really sucks, Dylan.  If this is what dating in college is like, I'm not interested."

When I returned with Marie's order, I was determined to be more careful with my words.

"It's just that you're not much like the people I know who call themselves Jesus Freaks.  You wear a crucifix, but it's really tiny.  Shouldn't you be preaching the gospel and trying to convert hell-bound heathens like me?

She softened up a little, and touched my cheek.  "You're not a heathen, Dylan.  Hell-bound, maybe, but not a heathen...just stupid.  You'll be the nicest guy in hell.  You're a beautiful person.  Thank you for caring about me.  No, I don't preach.  It's not my style, and I don't think it's a good way to reach out to people.  Instead of talking about Jesus, I do Jesus-y things.  I act like a Christian ought to act.  My actions will change people, I hope.  What will you remember longer, someone telling you to be good, or someone showing you how to be good by treating you well?"

"I want to be treated well, of course.  I want to feel like an adorable, kinda dumb toddler wise-ass who's respected."

"Of course.  That's why you're a trusted friend, Dylan.  Because you understand that love is an action.  You don't take advantage of people, like your roommate does.  You care about them."

I understood now.  Marie was going to make a big sacrifice in her life, but many people would have better lives because of her.  She was unhappy with me because I was trying to convince her that a self-centered life would be a better choice.

"Marie, don't listen to idiots like me.  There will be dozens of people who try to talk you out of your dreams, but they're all gonna be wrong, just like I was.  I wish I  had a plan for my life the way you have for yours.  I envy you."

Marie was close to perfect, just the way she was.  I didn't want her to change.  Maybe I wanted Marie to change me.

She took my hand in hers, leaned across the table and said quietly, "That was a beautiful things to say, Dylan.  Thank you.  But you're still a wise-ass.  You're my favorite wise-ass in the whole, wide room."