The Adventures of Professor Schlotheim

4

"Come in, please," I answered the knock on my hotel room door, letting Bob Nesbitt enter.

"Professor, you missed a most delectable breakfast," Bob smacked his lips. "The food was absolutely delicious, I've never tasted such a haddock kedgeree in my life before."

"Bob, I'm glad you satisfied your palate. As for me, I'll snatch a meal later in town, probably at Lina Stores. Don't forget we're launching my book tonight at the Ritz hotel. I think it won't be a bad idea for you to try and cut a ritzy-glitzy figure at the event."

"Putting on the Ritz?"

"Exactly, my dear friend.'

"Okay, I'll try to get some dashing outfit by that time," declared Bob, then asked me: "Professor, why, when in London, do you always visit Lina Stores?"

"Just because I love Mediterranean cuisine. Then, as you should know, my dear Bob, Lina has always been my favorite female name, and I'm planning to replace you one day with a fembot named Lina."

"What kind of girl is this robot going to be?"

"A sexy librarian. I, as a bookworm, have always been dreaming of this type. By the way, where is your sweetheart?"

"Ada's already gone to town," replied Bob. "She wants to do some shopping, and then shoot a video at some restaurant or pub for her blog."

"Okay, she'd better not watch this," I picked up the remote and switched on the plasma TV on the wall. "You've come just in time to see this report on BBC, it's scheduled to start already."

A BBC reporter girl appeared on the screen, standing with a microphone in front of the High Court of Justice in London, interviewing a handsome man, who was dressed in an elegant suit.

"Now we are to hear Donald Brooke's opinion on the prospects of this trial. Mr Brooke is one of the lawyers to represent this class action against Professor Schlotheim. Please, Mr. Brooke."

"Hmm," the lawyer cleared his throat and started, "I'd like to remind our viewers that this class action lawsuit was initiated by 24 men from 13 countries. They all claim that while being under the influence of Gene Schlotheim's ideas, conveyed to them through his numerous books and videos on the net, they eventually got themselves indulged in regular activities of sexual character with some of the plants growing in their vicinity, mainly trees. As a result, each of them had their genitals, both penis and scrotum, stuck in the hollows of some of those trees, in a way that rendered them absolutely unable to break free. In each case the help of rescue workers was required to extract their privates from the tree trunks, and every such incident was widely covered by the local media, which caused irreparable damage to the plaintiffs' reputation."

"One of the plaintiffs is with us at the moment," said the reporter, and the camera turned a bit to the side to focus on a dark haired man in a sweater and jeans. "I'd like to present Mr Antonio Mariotti from Italy. Tell us, Mr Mariotti, what happened to you."

The man started gesticulating emotionally.

"Si, signorina, everything happened as you described," he spoke with a thick Italian accent. "I got stuck in the tree, my private parts were stuck in there. I dropped my cell phone and I wasn't able to call the police or ambulance. A group of bambini discovered me in an hour, they laughed at me, took pictures of me with their phones, then ran away. Another hour later, the rescue men arrived. I think those bambini called them after all."

"But why did you insert your genitals into that hole in the tree trunk?" asked the BBC girl.

"Why, why? I was making love, signorina!"