walk in our shoes//stray kids

four

jisung

he used to be bright, brighter than the sun itself in fact.

back when he was kid jisung was describe as an extremely sociable squirrel that was also kind to others. jisung would have describe his life as perfect back then, he had the perfect family, his parents were wealthy so he could get all the latest pokemon cards and action figure, and he had many friends at school.

his life truly was perfect...

until it wasn't.

until his brother died.

his brother hanji was just sixteen when he died, jisung was thirteen at the time and he would never be able to forget that day.

he was in his dance class which he had begged his parents to join when the door suddenly slammed open and his caretaker and maid came rushing in. she hurried over to his instructor who nodded in understanding and said, "jisung, you're being picked up early. don't forget to go over those steps tonight okay?"

the squirrel boy was confused as he had never been picked up early unannounced before and nodded to his instructor before packing his bag and following his maid out of the studio. she was silent as his driver drove them to somewhere he had only been a couple of times before: the hospital.

he asked her what happened and why they where here but she didn't respond, the woman just took his hand and led him into the huge building that smelled of antiseptic and the cherry cough syrup jisung hated.

jisung fiddled with his hands, which was an early indicator of his anxiety, as he sat outside an operating room with his parents who were restless as they waited for his brother to finish with surgery. all of them were in the dark about what had happened besides the fact that hanji had blacked out at work and needed surgery.

those eight hours were the longest of his life, even longer than the night before christmas and he couldn't rest because he was so excited, but his excitement was replaced with worry and dread at his brother's condition.

on those christmas nights it was his brother who came in his room and talked with him about any and everything that came to his mind until eventually he fell asleep in his brother's embrace. his brother was always there for him whenever he needed him and just the night before when jisung had a nightmare his brother was the one that came rushing in his room.

he had soothed him until he fell asleep in his brothers familiar warm embrace and jisung loved him more than anything in this world..

but his brother just had to leave him..

when the surgeon came out of the room appearing extremely exhausted and...dim jisung knew immediately, but he didn't want to believe it. he still held out hope...until the doctor said softly,

"i'm so sorry for your loss. time of death was 7:17 AM."

it was utterly silent...until his mother screamed a heart shattering scream and fell to her knees while sobbing. the doctor looked emotionless as he bowed in respect and walked away, leaving them as if he hadn't just shattered their entire family.

jisung couldn't believe it...

no.

his brother..his hyung wasn't dead. this had to be some sort of joke, a nightmare jisung was experiencing again that felt a little too real and would wake up from soon. he would wake up soon in his brother's warm embrace as he whispered sweet nothings to him.

unfortunately it was real...painfully real.

jisung felt himself becoming detached from his surroundings and for the first time he had an anxiety attack, causing him to pass out right on the spot.

none of them were the same after his brothers death..

his home that was once filled with warmth and love became distant and cold.

they all coped with hanji's death differently. his father became unfaithful, his mother a workaholic, and jisung's anxiety worsened as he became a recluse. his once bright wardrobe morphed into a funeral receptions as it consisted of blacks and greys with the occasional white.

he had changed on the outside to show the emptiness that he felt inside..

today was a sad day for all of them as it was his brothers death anniversary and jisung had wanted nothing more than to go in his brother's room and cry while smelling his slowly fading cinnamon scent.

but instead of coming home to a dim house where his parents would be wallowing in grief all over again, jisung opened the front door and heard screaming followed by the shattering of glass.

he ran to the living room and froze at the ghastly sight. his mother was shaking while holding a vase in hand and his father looked...drunk. he looked completely disheveled and out of it, but there was a hint of lucidity in his eyes that held guilt. there was many thing's scattered all over the floor that he assumes his mother threw at his father..

but the one that stood out the most was the medium sized pot that had the words 한한지 (Han Han-Ji) on it. it was cracked and jisung let out a sob when he saw ashes littered on the floor.

his brothers ashes had fallen from the shelf and spilled out...

his parents were so caught up in their heated argument that they hadn't even heard him enter or begin to sob, but it was nothing new to jisung because they never paid attention to him anyways.

"you piece of shit! all you do is cheat and get drunk! now look what your carelessness has caused! you knocked over o-our son's ashes because you were too drunk to even fucking walk!"

jisung's gasp went unheard as he found out how the incident occurred and all he could do was watch in shock as his mother sobbed but in a split second she was throwing the glass vase at his father. none of them were expecting it at all and jisung shouted for them to stop with tears running down his face.

"stop mom and dad! what are you doing?!"

his father had took the vase as if it were nothing but from the blood streaming from his crown he was far from okay. his mother was crying pitifully but anger also raged behind her wide eyes jisung inherited.

"i'm so sick of this! i'm sick of you guys acting like this! you both haven't even realized that this is hurting me...both of you are never home and whenever you are home you never talk to me or even acknowledge my presence. i can't even remember the last time one of you smiled at me or asked me how my day was!

my anxiety has worsened so badly but i can't even tell you because you're both never home! we all need help..we can't keep going on like this. hanji wouldn't want us to..so please stop. for my sake please stop this."

both his parents looked at their son with guilt, shame, and worry in their eyes. his father who appeared drunk now looked at jisung as if he were sober and his mother burst into tears while pulling him into a hug mumbling how she was sorry over and over again.

his father joined the two and said his own sorries to both his wife and son. once jisung felt that they had both gotten their tears out he pulled away from them and said, "don't tell me you're sorry. show me."

with a firm look in his eyes jisung said he needed some air and promptly left his parents alone in the house, they had much talking to do between them.

he had no destination in mind, he just wanted to walk wherever his heart led him, and apparently it led him to a cafe.

jisung was too tired both emotionally and mentally to even bother looking at the sign above that beamed brightly as he pushed open the door.

he sighed when heat surrounded his somewhat cold frame and the smell of coffee beans and sugar tickled his nose. a boy bright enough to be the sun in human form smiled warmly at jisung and said, "welcome fourth one."