Borreeeddd, With life with everything: I don't want to be Sherlock anymore.

I thought I was getting somewhere. Apparently not.

Snapping the notebook shut, I don't want reminders of those days. It was only a year ago, but I feel I have maybe moved on a bit. 6th form has provided some relief to my brain. The teachers aren't all stupid, they at least treat us with respect. They have realised my brain is much more capable than it needs to be to pass. They give me a chance, to talk, to reel off the knowledge I have contained within the walls of my brain. The smaller classes, and classes with people who want to learn. It's wonderful. I'm not totally here, far from it. I still don't have the purpose and direction that I crave. But free periods offer my brain the space it needs. It cannot deal with being on all day. Attending to and pretending for and acting to the audience, of the people around me. It drives me mad. The main perk of 6th form. Being allowed out. Sitting on a park bench, or the corner of a coffee shop, letting my brain run wild. It's truly amazing.

Okay the blades are still there, however they are no longer the thing that rule my every waking moment. I have gained some control back. Emotions, they are still scary, yes I still shut them out. But I have got better at that, they no longer swirl within me, they have faded, they have fallen. As I took back my control, my brain, they switched off, as I focused on the work. The work of observation, I need to learn, there is a purpose a need for it. There has to be. But this has kept my brain occupied, not using it as a distraction from life, but letting it be life. Its where I have always felt most alive. Reeling through the possibilities to find one that fits. Constructing ideas and peoples lives around them. It's something that I have given myself the freedom to enjoy.

Before I had told myself I could enjoy nothing, I didn't deserve it. But I do. That is something I still struggle with, letting myself being cared for, and caring about others. I will never be the easiest, nicest, funniest person to get along with. I still hide away from friendship. I have been let down enough times, by people I thought cared. I will always be colder than everyone else, that's partly to protect me, if I let my emotions out, even into my head they will run riot again. But also because I have learnt that sometimes you don't need to tell someone everything or let them know you really care. Because I chose to stay. That is enough, I didn't leave, therefore I see great value in them. Because they are someone who I respect and love. I know sometimes people need to know you love them, one of the flaws in humans, I suppose even though it pains me to admit it, I need it too. Just the simplicity of cooking my tea, making my bed, doing the washing up. It's the small things. The small things that whisper, you are valued enough in my world for me to do something, to sacrifice something to make your world a better place. There's the whole ridiculous lark of giving presents, which I have to do to keep people happy. But on my birthday this year, all I asked for was a meal with Mum and Dad. They are two very busy people, and since Mycroft left even more so. So their time is valuable to me, their full attention. It's something so undervalued in today's culture. But something that we all long for we all crave.

So today, Its been rather dull, the general, no-one very interesting bothered sitting near me on the tube, something I hate but necessary to get me to 6th form as it's too far to cycle. I had football training after school, which made today much better.

As we rattled into the stop before mine. My phone vibrated in my jacket pocket. 

I'm coming back this Monday, Mission was successful. MH

I wasn't expecting that. I had almost forgotten that he was coming back. I didn't want him to. He had hurt me enough, I didn't want him to read the pain and hurt written across my arms. I didn't want to remember him. I wanted him to go away forever. He would try to protect me from myself, like he always used to. But he is the one who caused these one to come run freely around my head. They were bigger and darker than before.

I was no longer little Sherlock, creeping into his bedroom because I was scared on the noises outside, the howling wind threatening to rip the house open. No. These were different, these are the ones in my head, ones that we can't share. They are in my head, under control, but still there.