Devil Like Me (negan)

18 crazy

The week slipped by, long restless nights next to Negan and facing a confused Sam in the morning was starting to make me go crazy. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Jeremy, his face looking up at mine, his now decaying body somewhere in the wild. I felt immense guilt as I watched Sam fret over where he could be. She had told me yesterday that he never made it back from a run and she was worried. I had reassured her he was fine, he probably got caught up somewhere.

But as more time passed, she had begun to accept that he was gone and I had begun to realize that I was running out of time to kill Negan.

If anything, the day I spent with him pushed me to the edge, watching him smash in some old guys skull and then killing Jeremy had made me bloodthirsty for only his blood. I couldn't do much until I was healed, which gave me plenty of time to perfect my plan. By the time my side had healed to the point of Carson's liking, I was already out the door and running to fill Sam in on my new ideas.

I met her in her room and I calmly told her my plan, while Negan was out, I had looked through his room, top to bottom. I knew where everything was, all the secrets he kept, and I had the final details to my plan. I had used my time with him to gain his trust and act like I liked him and he had bought it.

I was finally one step ahead of him and it felt good. I couldn't let myself get too cocky and slip up though so I made Sam keep me in check. We planned all the little details out over the next week, finally getting to a point that we liked and memorizing it over and over again.

Sam had been hesitant to go through with anything before Jeremy got back, she was nervous he would return when we were gone and pay the price for our actions. I promised her he wouldn't come back but for her sanity we left a note for him in his room.

I had barely eaten, I hadn't slept and the new medication that was being prescribed for my side everyday was making me go insane. I had started hallucinating, mostly about Jeremy but occasionally about Negan, and most recently my father.

Finally, I could count the hours until our plan fell into action on my two hands. Adrenalin coursed through my veins the night before and I didn't close my eyes once, my bag had been packed with as much of my stuff that could fit, Sam's was in her room and it comforted me to know I wasn't alone. After it was done we would run to the hilltop, where Jesus would let us in and I would send word to Rick when it was safe. Everything was planned out. There were absolutely no flaws in the whole concept. Yet for some reason I was nervous, not only that I was feeling guilty. And it wasn't because of Jeremy.

Why was I feeling guilty?

I was still a good person, that's why. Every time I had to look into Negan's smiling eyes, laugh along as he made fun of my aim, or thank him for taking care of me, I felt guilty. He was a bad person, and treating one person right didn't make him good. I was valuable to him and that's why he was different with me. I couldn't help feeling like I had changed since I first met him though. At the lineup, I would've smashed his skull in any chance I got, but now I was flinching at the thought of driving the blade into his skin.

The scariest part was, I didn't even know if I really hated him anymore. I just owed it to myself, I owed Glenn and Abraham, Spencer and Olivia, and most importantly I owed Jeremy and Sam, I needed to kill him for them.

As soon as I began to hear voices in the hall in the early hours of the morning, I got up and changed into a sweater and heavy coat, preparing for the freezing cold that had been building up over the past week. I jumped as a heavy knock repeated on my door and I got myself together before opening it.

"Hello sunshine." Negan grinned, stepping into my room with Lucille over his shoulder, "Ready to go?"

I nodded and slipped on my boots, cursing myself mentally as my hands shook.