Daughter of a Wolff | Formula One

54. I must be in trouble

We weren't asleep for long before I was jolted awake. I felt the panic pulsing through my body, feelings from my dream still lingering. I had not been this bad for a while, when I had been drinking it stopped the nightly panic attacks and when I stopped drinking I had dad or Jack with me. I managed to slide out of Charles's grip and climb out the bed. I had gone to bed butt naked and my whole body still felt on fire.

I creeped over to where I had unpacked my clothes, luckily Susie had packed a few workout outfits. I grabbed the clothes and headed to the lounge to change. I needed to do something to occupy my mind, I didn't feel comfortable enough to just use the workout stuff that Charles had on the balcony, the only other option I had was to run. I checked my phone, *1am. We had not long gone to bed.

I tried to be as quiet as I could, not wanting to wake Charles. My head was filling with thoughts about everything. It was like I had 100 plates spinning in my mind and I had to keep them all going. My mind stretched to its limit, sleeping with Charles again had unleashed the panicked thinking I was getting so used to.

What if I wasn't enough for him. I was just too damaged to make this work. Even my body was giving up on me, I had been in so much pain when we had sex. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was feeling so betrayed by my own body. I grabbed my headphones from my bag by the front door and unlocked it as quietly as I could.

As soon as I stepped out the building I felt the cool air on my boiling hot skin. I felt an instant relief, I wish I had done this last night. I didn't want to call Lewis again, I didn't want to bother him. I couldn't ring my dad and that ruled Susie out for obvious reasons.

I started to run as my feet hit the ground floor. I ran and ran. I hadn't done it in so long I forgot how good it felt. My legs screeched out every time I pushed them harder, I pushed them till I thought they'd break. My lungs were drowning, desperately trying to grasp any oxygen I could get in. I didn't even know how long I'd been running, I was dripping in sweat, gasping for breath and I loved it. My head however was still fighting the thoughts pouring into my mind. You will never be enough for him. You will only be hurt and hurt him. You don't deserve this, you loose everyone you let close.

RING RING

Incoming call – Charles ❤️

Shit. I stopped for a second as the call popped up on my screen. It was like my whole body froze until the screen went blank again. He must have woken up and realised I wasn't there. I couldn't go back yet, the thoughts were still too much, too real. I finally took a second to look at my surroundings, I had run for so long I wasn't actually sure where I was.

RING RING

Incoming call – Charles ❤️

Hello *breathless

Olivia where the hell are you

Olivia... I must .. be .. in trouble

Why are you breathing like that

I just... just went ... for a ... run

At 3 in the morning? Where are you I'll come and get you

It's ok... I'll be... back soon

You can barely breathe

I'm fine

Are you ever going to let me in. I know I said at your pace but... do you regret last night

No... do you

Of course I don't, you're the one who has literally run away

I'm sorry

Where are you

I'm... I don't know

Send me your pin and I'll get you

Ok

Charles came and picked me up and brought me back to the apartment. I was exhausted, I'd run for nearly two hours at full throttle. When we pulled up outside the building I could barely move, the last thing I ate was breakfast yesterday and my body was paying for it. I tried to stand up and pull myself out the car but my legs were just shaking. "Wait let me" Charles said and scooped me off my feet into his arms. I didn't even protest. He carried me to the apartment and helped me wash in the shower. I was physically exhausted, my whole body felt like it was shutting down on me. He was gentle and calm but we didn't talk. I felt the tension between us and it only made it worse. We lay in bed together and he wrapped his body round mine. I felt like my whole life was just crumbling around me, I didn't know how much longer I could keep fighting. "I hate that you're in so much pain" he whispered into my ear, he nestled his face into my neck.

"Charles you deserve more than I have"

"Please stop saying that, I am with you though this. I just want you to let me in, all I want is you to be happy"

"My nightmares are giving me panic attacks" I said quietly, my body was fighting against me and I needed him in my corner so I could win this

"What are they about" he asked, he was still holding me and I turned to face him. My head my nestled into his chest and I was still trying to calm my breathe

"Being hurt"

"By me?"

I started to quietly cry at this word's I desperately wanted to trust him I just truly didn't know how. "I can't promise we will never fight, or that we will never hurt each other but know this. I will never hurt you on purpose and I will do everything in my power to earn your trust." Charles said softly.

He was right, it was unrealistic to think I would never be hurt again but I needed to know that he wasn't going to hurt me on purpose. He wasn't Pierre.

"I need you to teach me how to be in a relationship with someone"

"Ok, well the first thing is we have to talk. You have to try and figure out how you can let me in. And I have to learn how to keep you calm, how to help you through the panic so you don't face them alone."

"You're so perfect Charlie"

"We will do this, you will learn to let me love you" he said and placed a kiss on the top of my head. "Now you have to get some sleep. Tomorrow we have to get some nutrition into you."

I listened to him talk but my brain was already shutting down. I was just exhausted. I gripped onto him tightly as I felt sleep take me into it's beautiful darkness.

I spent the next few days rebuilding some strength. The lack of food and the constant work outs had taken a real toll on my body and I was only now feeling it. Once I had woken the next morning I had talked to Charles and told him all about my behaviour after Silverstone and it brought a level of relief. I was glad he knew and that we could start to be together with full transparency. He made sure I was taking my health seriously and took charge of taking care of me. He said if I wasn't going to do it he would. I was taking my medication everyday and he was filling me with smoothies and all the nutrients he could force down my throat. He made me promise I wouldn't workout for a while until my body had recovered. This was the only thing I couldn't do, whenever he left to meet Andrea I had to fit in a workout. My mind still wondered into darkness when he wasn't with me.