Everlong

Not So Slim Shady

WARNING: I got the song 'The Real Slim Shady' by Eminem stuck in my head so...your going to hear it. It's dope, but be prepared for some sh!t.   

-Normal pov- 

Ash, Misty, Brock, Gary, Leaf, and Serena were all childhood friends, but the closest of the 6 were Ash, Misty and Brock. All of them have been friends since dipper years, and have stayed that way...that includes today. Everything has been smooth sails for the six: new friends, new experiences, and new feelings. Out of everyone, only the very 3, and 2 others who we'll get to later, weren't involved with anyone. Brock would try with any girl, but no luck. Ash could attract any girl, but was too dense to realize any hints...like hers. Misty had developed feelings for the dense man at the age of 10. She had given him hints, gotten very close to him, and even asked him out. Ash wouldn't pick up on any of it, and by 16 Misty stopped trying. For things like this, Ash was called slim shady; he was shockingly thin for someone who constantly ate, and broke hearts without even knowing. Ash had not even been out on a date! Today we see what will happen. 

-Ash's pov- 

"Ashy-boy, this is an intervention."  

"Really Gary?" 

"Yes, you need girls!" 

"But, I thought they were are friends?" 

"They are dumbass, but you need girls as in-" 

"Ho's, chicks, lady's, baddies, DATES!" 

"What Drew said."

"I'm confused." 

"Ash listen, you need to watch this." Brock handed me a laptop. "Just press play." 

... 

"What...was...that!?" 

"You needed to know about getting girls, and that was the only way." Paul said. 

"Yeah, the rest of us know." Red was right. "Even Cilan and Clemont know!"  

"Hey!" The 2 yelled. This was true, everyone but me, Tuker, and Brock had girlfriends. Drew had May, Paul had Dawn, Gary had Leaf, Red had Yellow, Cilan had Iris, Clemont had Serena, and Tracy had Daisy. Brock always tried to get girls, but failed miserably. Tucker just said Bow-Chicka Bow-Wow to random things. This was most common around words like hard, tight, easy, etc. He would also use it like: "I'll fill her in.", "Now that's something I can get behind.", "I'm always down for another round.", etc. I now got what he meant...he must've hit his head as a kid. 

"Don't worry, if anyone can do it-" 

"Bow-Chicka Bow-Wow." Of course. 

"-It's slim." 

... 

Now imagine a montage of Ash failing to hit on girls. 

May I have your attention, please?
May I have your attention, please?
Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here 

Y'all act like you never seen a white person before
Jaws all on the floor like Pam like Tommy just burst in the door
And started whoopin' her ass worse than before
They first were divorced, throwin' her over furniture (ah)
It's the return of the "ah, wait, no way, you're kidding
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
And Dr. Dre said, nothing, you idiots
Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement (ha ha)
Feminist women love Eminem
"Chicka, chicka, chicka, Slim Shady, I'm sick of him
Look at him, walkin' around, grabbin' his you-know-what
Flippin' the you-know-who"
"Yeah, but he's so cute though"
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But no worse than what's goin' on in your parents' bedrooms
Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just let loose
But can't, but it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose
"My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips"
And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss
And that's the message that we deliver to little kids
And expect them not to know what a woman's clitoris is
Of course they're gonna know what intercourse is
By the time they hit fourth grade
They've got the Discovery Channel, don't they?
We ain't nothin' but mammals, well, some of us, cannibals
Who cut other people open like cantaloupes
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes
Then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Women, wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus, and it goes 

I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up? 

Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell records
Well, I do, so f#ck him and f#ck you too
You think I give a damn about a Grammy?
Half of you critics can't even stomach me, let alone stand me
"But Slim, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"
Why, so you guys could just lie to get me here?
So you can sit me here next to Britney Spears?
Sh!t, Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs
So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst
And hear 'em argue over who she gave head to first
Little b!tch put me on blast on MTV
"Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's married to Kim, hee-hee"
I should download her audio on MP3
And show the whole world how you gave Eminem VD (ah)
I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups
All you do is annoy me, so I have been sent here to destroy you
And there's a million of us just like me
Who cuss like me, who just don't give a f#ck like me
Who dress like me, walk, talk and act like me
And just might be the next best thing, but not quite me 

'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up? 

I'm like a head trip to listen to, 'cause I'm only givin' you
Things you joke about with your friends inside your livin' room
The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of y'all
And I don't gotta be false or sugarcoat it at all
I just get on the mic and spit it
And whether you like to admit it, I just shit it
Better than ninety percent of you rappers out can
Then you wonder, "how can
Kids eat up these albums like Valiums?"
It's funny, 'cause at the rate I'm going, when I'm thirty
I'll be the only person in the nursing home flirting
Pinching nurse's asses when I'm jacking off with Jergens
And I'm jerking, but this whole bag of Viagra isn't working
And every single person is a Slim Shady lurking
He could be working at Burger King, spittin' on your onion rings
Or in the parking lot, circling, screaming, "I don't give a f#ck"
With his windows down and his system up
So will the real Shady please stand up
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go? 

I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up? 

Ha ha, I guess there's a Slim Shady in all of us
F#ck it, let's all stand up 

... 

"Ashy-boy...did it ever occur to you that they had boyfriends?" 

"Or in some cases girlfriends?" 

"Shut it." 

Sorry for this crazy chapter, but next one is actually going to be good... well better.