Sight Of Love

Doing it by myself

I groan and slam Philips sippy cup onto the laundry machine, moving my feet to the stairs, up to the yelling- screaming and quite frankly head pounding cries. "Ian! Sis is coming just give me a fucking second. " I hollar, making him cry out more.
I grumble and pick him up, gently cupping his head to my shoulder, rubbing his soft scrunched up back. I begin to smell a rotting smell coming from the surrounding of me and Ian's bubble. I lift up Ian from my shoulder to the air, sniffing him before scrunching up my face in disgust, making him slightly grin at me.

I chuckle and bring him over to the changing table, removing his cotton belonging away from his body, folding it up; throwing it into the trash. I gag for a second or two, wiping his behind with a baby wipe. I chuckle and throw the used wipes into the trash can too.

As I'm finishing up with Ian's business I straddle him into my arms, carrying him downstairs, entering the kitchen and smiling down at the innocent little Philip, playing with his wooden car and his mapped out carpet. He giggles and begun screeching the car toy again, making me cover my left ear with my pointer finger, wincing my face at the annoying ass but adorable wooden car made by metal wheels.

I giggle again and begin to follow along with Ian's baby bottle, following up to the warm milk, made by of course by the powdered "milk". " Moooo. " Philip screams, crawling across the carpet as he impressions as what a cow says. I laugh and repeat "Mooo," Philip giggles and peaks at Ian from his view. He pouts his lips and whispers "baby sleepy. " I nod "yeah, baby brother is a bit sleepy isn't he?" I whisper down to Philip as Ian is craddled in my busy arms. Philip smiles and nod, moving on with his red colored wooden car. I finish up the bottle, shaking it as I look down at Ian, awaiting for the bottle to fit perfectly into his mouth. I dip the nipple of the bottle into his mouth and direct at the angle to where the milk fluids guide down into his mouth.

"Good." I whisper sweetly, lowering my head to meet the babies forehead. Kissing his tad head dearly as Ian's eyes begin to look as if they're too heavy for him. I slightly smile and slowly walk up to his warm bedroom. I gently swaddle him up and circle his face with my fingers.

I close the door behind me, speeding myself down to Philip, hoping he didn't get into anything too dangerous for a 2 year old toddler.

I look down at the messed floor full of milk powder all over the wooden kitchen floor. I groan in pear frustration and kneel down to the sneaky, smearing smile on Philips face. I point my fingers at him, scrunching my curled fingers in hardend pressure against my palm. "Listen here you little shit. Don't play with your brothers food!! Bad boy! " I whisper- yell, full on giving the disappointment facial expression.

"I am very tired, and I'm so sick of you making messes that I have to clean up. I know your only 2 years old but dammit are you ever gonna get the clue that if your gonna make messes for me, Fiona; to clean up.. I'm not gonna be nice to you. You hear me young boy? " I pressure, guiding him to feel guilty for his unbehaved actions. He pouts his lip and his eyes become teary. "Okay, time for nap time. " I groan, picking him as his legs wave and sway, as I stomp my feet up into his room.

"When your a bad boy, sometimes you have to learn beyond your actions, Philip. " I say, flopping him into his crib. "I love you but it's time you learn. " I whisper, closing the door behind my back.

I exhale a long held breath before quietly entering into my room for a well deserved nap.
I flop onto my bed, moving away the left over hair coming down from my bun close by hot, sweated face.

I'm so exhausted.

Mom and dad have been in and out for the past month. I mean, what am I gonna do. I can't physically go outside or step a foot outside or in school or in other houses without worrying for my siblings. And I can't even talk to my parents. Hell I haven't even got to talk to any of my best friends. I haven't even gotten time to talk to myself without worrying about my friends or siblings or even my own parents. I just have everything built up on me and I know that I can always ask for help but I don't want help. I like doing things my way. I don't really like when people are taking control of something that I should. I mean, when Brooklyn came over everything was perfect but.. When she left I didn't really need her because I began to feel as if maybe they'd start to like her more than me.

But.. I can't stand another month without my parents. I have to start looking for a job, place to live at, my future, my plans.

~~~~~~

I awake to footsteps and humming from downstairs.. Which I can oddly hear. I leave my room and bed behind, walking down to the kitchen. "Hey, baby. " mom chuckles, cleaning up the dishes and spilt powdered milk from the floor. "What happened at work?" I rub my shoulders, observing the well cleaned kitchen. "Ohh, I had to get off. I've told my boss I have a newborn, toddler and teenager at home awaiting for me. " I scrunch my eye brows, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"Why didn't you say that ever before? I mean, yeah mom I know you guys have been working for money, bills and all sorts of that jab but.. I've been working on my siblings. Real human beings who need their parents. Not just their sister. " I say in a well soft tone, leaning myself against the kitchen counter. "I know baby. And I'm sorry, as you know me and your father have been trying. We come home every night and well.. Your asleep. We try as much as we can but all we have are the mornings. We all need to survive in some way, and for that we all have duties. We all have things to be worried about and of course, exhausted about, " She explains, taking off her dished gloves. "Mom.. I don't think you get the point I'm saying. I can't even go to school anymore. I cant keep up with my school work, friends or even myself, " I whisper, looking her into her eyes as I try to give her the feelings I'm feeling at this time of the moment. "Can't you see that I'm exhausted? I haven't gotten to shower since 3 weeks ago because I'm losing my energy." I say, shaking my head as I explain my own feelings for once. "I know sweetheart, I'm staying here now. I'm here. " she nods and welcomes me for a hug that I accepted which was full on needed.

"I just feel..alone. I feel like I'm becoming their mother. Not their big sister, their mom." I tremble in moms arms. She slowly run her hand down the back of my head, beginning to cry as she dearly kisses my forehead. I close my eyes, enjoying the mother love as I'm being held as tight as she could ever hold me. "I am so --- so very sorry, baby. I love you so fucking much and I can't handle you being in so much pain as I am in. I've been so lost without my babies. You are my prime and joy and I can't lose that light that sparkles my eyes. I quit my job just for you, sweetheart. I can see how exhausted you are just by seeing you and just looking through you." She let's go of me, holding onto the back of my head as she stares into my eyes and shakes me, "I am here." She whispers, pressing my forehead against hers.

The fact is --- I've never seen my mom so passionate. I've never seen her so.. motherly like. But now, I feel as if things are going to be different. Things are going to change and I'm going to have to enjoy the rest of my year until I have to move out and find myself. Find whom I am going to be. I wanna be able to work and enjoy my adult/ teenage years without worrying about my family as much. I wanna be able to enjoy love or destiny or some fantasy shit. Maybe see a future with.. someone. Maybe see a future with my own family.

"Go to bed. I'll be here for my babies." She chuckles, moving away to finish up the milked counter I left out earlier. I slightly smile and walk up to the stairs, rubbing away my sweated eyes.

I cover myself with the fluffed covers, turning of the lamp beside me before I drift off.

___________________________
(Authors Note)
Hey babez!
Sorry it took me awhile to publish. I've been super duper busy with things.
But it was my birthday!! So happy very late birthday to me.
Happy late Valentine's Day my loves. I hope you took care of yourselves.

-Xxx Z