hope ur ok || richie angst book 👍

"Why Am I Still Here?"

"Richie! Stop!" Beverly screamed through the large field she was chasing Richie through.

"Leave me alone!" he yelled back. Tears still flung out of his eyes. He really needed to sleep for a full night. He needed to be alone.

Beverly caught up to him and jumped on top of him, causing both of the two to hit the floor and roll a bit.

"Ri- Stop it!" Beverly screamed in his face, for Richie was punching and slapping and kicking and just wanted her to get off of him. He began to scream out for help, or just to scare Beverly off of him.

"I just wanna be alone, Bev! What do you not understand?!"

"I'm not leaving you alone like this! You clearly need someone, Rich!"

"I can handle my shit on my OWN."

"No, you can't." She sighed and held him tightly in a hug. He let his eyes close and he stopped struggling.

"I'm not gonna cry," he whispered to himself. He let his head hit her shoulder hard.

"Ow," she said with no emotion.

"Sorry," Richie mumbled. Beverly chuckled a bit.

"I'm messing with you," she said. Richie just took a deep breath, nearly asleep in Beverly's arms as she pulled away. "Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about," he argued.

Beverly sighed and sat down normally, advising Richie to do the same. He huffed and sat next to her, bringing his knees to his chest and setting his chin on them.

"Please? I promise you I won't tell anybody. And.. I won't judge you," Beverly begged. But she just didn't get it.

"Beverly, it's not about that."

She sat there for a moment, trying to figure out what the boy meant. "Then.. what is it about?"

"I don't want to lie my problems on you. I feel like a fucking burden and nothing you say or do can change that. You don't deserve to have to listen to what I say, you probably don't care. You have it worse, so there's no point in me complaining about it."

"I.. Richie, I care a lot more than you think I do. And.. our trauma is not a competition. It doesn't matter who has it worse, all that matters is that we're here for each other," Beverly said kindly, putting her hand in Richie's. He sighed. "Do you want to-"

"I don't get it," Richie interrupted.

"What?"

"Why am I still here?" he asked. Beverly's face dropped and she felt her heart skip a beat.

"R-Richie.." she mumbled.

"I don't deserve to be. I don't deserve you guys. I don't deserve food, water, basic needs, I don't deserve any of it. I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it. I should be dead, I really should be," Richie rambled, pinching his bottom lip to stop from crying.

"No. Don't say that. Richie, you're so important to us. You deserve everything except for the bullshit you receive. You deserve to live happy, honey. I'm sorry life's been unfair. I'm so sorry. Please don't think like that, it scares me," Beverly said, putting an arm around his shoulders and letting him fall into her.

Richie put his head on Beverly's shoulder and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. "It's just really hard. Everything's just one big fucking mess, from crushes to putting up with him and then dealing with the constant bullying, it all just builds up into a great big bottle until one day, I lose my shit and my heart stops beating. Beverly, I don't wanna have these thoughts. I want them to go away. And now, I'm making you put up with me, and-" Richie's breaths were picking up by the second, and Beverly hugged him tight.

"Calm down," she whispered. "It's okay to cry."

Richie broke down once again. He was surprised any tears or sobs were left in him. He was so done with crying today. Another thirty minutes went by.

"Sorry," Richie spoke as he pulled away from the hug, removed his glasses and wiped his eyes while sniffing.

"Don't be," she said. She offered him a smile, which he tried to exchange. "I'm.. sorry for asking, but.. something caught my attention when you ranted and I can't stop thinking about it?"

"Um.." mumbled Richie, rubbing the back of his neck, "what.. what was it?"

"You said 'from crushes to putting up with him' and I'm just a little curious now.. okay maybe a lotta curious," Beverly chuckled. The joke fell flat almost immediately. "Who's the crush? And who's 'him'?"

Richie sighed. "Can I only tell you one?" he asked. Beverly smiled.

"Yeah. Maybe that'll warm you up to telling me things?" she suggested.

"Heh. Maybe," Richie derided. "Um.. I.. have a small.. well- big- well-"

"Spit it out already!"

Richie sighed. "I like Eddie a lot. Like, a LOT a lot."

Beverly gasped and a smile appeared on her face. "OH MY GOD!"

"Don't make a big deal out of it.."

"BIG DEAL?! IT'S A HUGE DEAL!" she screamed, grabbing his hands. "Aww, you guys would be SO CUTE!!"

Richie chuckled. "Really?"

"Yes! Can I be the flower girl?!"

"Okay, calm down," Richie laughed, dragging out the 'o' in 'okay.'

"Sorry, this is so cute though! And he definitely likes you back. Like it's literally so obvious," she informed the boy. She couldn't miss the way his face lit up.

"Really? I-.. no." He sighed. "No he doesn't."

"You're so oblivious it makes me mad," she sighed. "You both like each other. I bet you I could get that truth out of him."

"I don't want you to," Richie mumbled.

"Okaaay, then I won't! But- Eek! I'm so happy for you! You should tell him!"

"No."

"What?? Why?" Beverly asked.

"I don't wanna ruin our friendship. Especially when he says he doesn't like me back. I like the platonic relationship we have, I don't want to fucking ruin this for myself," Richie sighed. 'Like I've done with everything,' he thought, staring at the grass beneath him.

"Okay, I get that. I respect it! I personally believe he's also in love with you, but I'll let you figure that out on your own time," she assessed.

Richie smiled, still not making eye contact with her. "Thank you, Bev."

"Aww, no need. I love you, Trashmouth."

He sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Don't make me cry for the seventh time today."

"Is that true or just an over exaggeration..?"

"Uh.. on my way to school is one, first period is two, second period is three, third period is four, with Eddie is five, with you would be six. So yeah. We don't need to make it seven," he counted.

"What happened this morning?"

Richie shrugged and hugged her. "Can we stay like this until school is over?" She sighed and hugged him as well.

"Of course."