I Don't Forgive You

One

22nd December 2017

It's strange to think that only twenty days ago I was getting ridiculously nervous to tell my brother I was in love with his best friend. Those nerves are like tiny butterflies compared to the emptiness I feel right now as I watch them lower his casket into the ground. I was never truly afraid of my brother or Lyle putting their lives at risk every time they got in that F1 car, I was just happy to see them living their dream and doing it together made it all that more special.

Lyle Lawson has been around our family since I can remember, we were bound to fall in love eventually. Despite the fact we are polar opposites and the only similar thing about us is our names. I've never met someone who could make me laugh the way he did, well apart from Parker of course. I think I am the only person who gets to see the real Lyle, of course he's Parker's best friend but I know things about him no one else does. He doesn't just spend time with our family because he's Parker's best friend, he sees our family as a safe haven. Lyles father has always been hard on him, pressuring him to be the best racing driver there is and even as a 21 year old it can be hard to handle all the pressure and expectations of his father.

If I'm being completely honest, I know that Parker knew about us, god I'm sure our parents probably know about us. We aren't exactly discreet about our feelings, but I still feel guilty for not actually telling Parker about the way I felt for his best friend. I know he would of loved to be apart of our relationship and he would've supported us completely, but one simple mistake took that opportunity away.

I don't exactly understand what happened on the track during Parker's final race of his debut season, I just remembered wishing it was another driver who had flipped their car and crashed into the barrier. Except for Lyle. God what am I thinking I wouldn't wish this on anyone, no one deserves to loose someone they love, so why in the hell did it happen to me? Why did I have to loose my best friend, my brother, my hero.

If Parker was looking down on me right now he'd be laughing, he knows I hate funerals. I even faked being sick to avoid going to our late grandads funeral. Definitely not my finest moment. It's not that I'm some emotionless bitch, it's because I suck at regulating my emotions so they all just hit like a ton of bricks and I hate is because everyone feels bad for me. I cried once because Parker got a splinter from the old swing my dad made for us. It wasn't even my hand that had the splinter but I still cried because I felt bad for my brother.

I can feel as Lyle not so subtly brushes his hand against my lower back in an attempt to comfort me. I appreciate his effort but nothing in this world would make me feel the slightest bit of comfort as I say goodbye to my brother. We spent 16 years the best of friends. Of course we bickered, but we always had the best relationship, he was my best friend in the entire world and now he's just gone.

—

My Maman put together a lovely wake for my brother, or at least I presume she did. I couldn't take all the sympathy hugs and instead decided to sit in mine and Parker's old treehouse. Our dad built it for us when I was 4 and Parker was 8. I'd much rather sit in here and reminisce about my brother in peace than spend one more minute in that house. I just want to breathe without anyone looking at me like I'm about to have a breakdown.

"Lylah James? Where are you?"

Even if I didn't recognise the thick southern accent that just called my name, I know exactly who was shouting it. Only two people on this planet call me by both my first and middle name. My maman Carmen who has always used both my names because she says they both mean so much to her. Lilah is the name of her childhood best friend who lives in France and James is the name of her best friends father who my Maman says raised her. I'm not one to dwell too much on my Maman's troubled childhood but let's just say I've only ever had grandparents on my fathers side and the only family my Maman knew until she met my father was that of her best friends. It's obviously not her though, she's too busy hosting a wake for my brother.