I Don't Forgive You

Seven

November 12th 2022

I wake up to the sharp pain of Delilah kicking me in her sleep, it unfortunately happens more often than my back would appreciate. I take a minute to look at the sight of her sleeping peacefully, unaware of the drama that unfolded last night. I still haven't decided what I am going to do about Lyle yet, of course I want Delilah to have a chance to know her birth father but the way he acted last night, I've never seen him like that before. 

Ever since last night my mind has been racing with thoughts between Théo and Lyle, I don't even know what to think, let alone do.

Lyle has clearly been drinking again, all be it only 2 beers last night. I'm not sure his sponsor or team would appreciate that. As much as I can try to pretend I didn't listen or read little snippets of his life over the years, I've been keeping tabs, for Delilah's sake obviously. Oh and he decides now I'm the love of his life. what the hell is that about.

Then there's Théo. Sweet, protective, sexy Théo. I definitely want to see where things go with him, but with Lyle now throwing himself in the picture I need to decided what I'm going to do with that, and by that I mean the possibility of a relationship with his daughter because there is no chance I will ever go back there. unless hell freezes over.

"Do what when Hell freezes over Cherie?" My Maman asks suspiciously after entering the kitchen.

"Oh, nothing Maman. Just talking to myself again." I reply taking a sip of my coffee. Clearly I'm too tired and started talking to myself out loud, at least in my head I can pretend I'm not losing my mind.

"Where's Delilah?" She follows up, thankfully not pressing on my previous thoughts. "Still fast asleep, I was going to wake her but I wanted a chance to talk alone before she wakes up." the nerves clear in my voice.

"Lylah James, if you even think about apologizing... Don't." She says pointing her finger at me, as she notices my questioning look before continuing. "I knew Lyle was Delilah's father" - Is she serious - "when I read your book it confirmed it, but if I'm being honest you weren't exactly discreet about your relationship I sort of pieced it together." "But why didn't you say anything? Delilah is four, you're telling me you suspected it all this time and you never said anything" the tone in my voice is clearly sounding angrier by the apologetic look on Maman's face.

"Look Cherie, I didn't say anything at first because my mind was so clouded with Parker's death and then when you were pregnant nothing else mattered other than you and your baby. Your father and I have always supported you no matter what." My anger already dissipating at her words. I know my Maman never kept this from me with malice intent, just as I never did with her. "But Cherie, once I read your book and all my suspicions were confirmed, I realised that maybe Delilah needs her father, but more importantly maybe her father needs her."

I know exactly what Maman is referring to. A year after Parker's death there was hundred of news articles about Lyle drinking excessively during the winter break. He was supposed to be racing in his first year with Ferrari, his dream team, the same team his father won two world championships with. Unfortunately during the pre season testing Ferrari had noticed his excessive drinking and unreliability so decided to release him from his contract early, singing who I've now realised to be Theo.

For the following months Lyle began to go into a downward spiral, there was articles every week about him drinking, constantly being photographed with different models and influencers. That hurt. Eventually according to my dad anyway, his father forced him into a rehab. By the following season he was back on track, quite literally after being singed by Alpine.

As far as I was aware Lyle was sober and doing well, chasing his dreams. I don't tend to keep up with the world of formula one, only really Lyle but even then I get most my information from my father.