Abused

Therapy

I shoot up in the morning , I'm shaking.
"Oh honey...it's okay"
She takes me into her arms.
I look at her and smiles
"I love you more than anything"
"I love you more than anything too baby"
She kisses me and then I get dressed for the day.
I feel the scar that Levi made when he stabbed me in the stomach after having Henry.
"I- I let him do- it. Maybe I deserved it!"
"Baby listen to me, you didn't let him do anything. You were scared and you most certainly didn't deserve what happened to you"
I smile and kiss her as tears fall from my eyes.
She kisses me back and then I go downstairs.
I eat some cereal and I feed Henry.
Henry sits on the floor and plays with some toys as Kim eats her breakfast.
She puts her hand on mine once I realise that it's shaking.
"Are you nervous baby? Don't be scared you can tell me"
"I- I'm scared"
"What are you afraid of baby?"
"I'm scared of what's going to happen in the therapy session"
"Remember what she said baby, you can leave at any time"
I nod slightly.
"That makes me feel a bit better"
"I'm glad baby"
We bond with Henry for a while before we have to go to therapy.
We leave Henry with Lane, Kim's neighbour.
She's so good with Henry and she's really funny.
We head to the centre and I sign in.
My hands go all sweaty again so I remove my jumper.
I have short sleeves on and I can tell the Kim is saddened by my bruises and scars.
She holds my hand as April comes out.
"Hello, if you just wanna make your way in there, I'll be with you in just a sec"
"Okay thank you"
Kim leads me into the room.
I start to bite my nail.
She takes my hands into hers.
April comes in.
"Sorry about that."
She places a jug of water in front of us and a bucket near me
"Just in case"
She comments
I nod slightly.
I pour myself a glass of water but my hand shakes.
"How've you been since I last saw you?"
"I've been having frequent nightmares"
"Could you tell me what it's about?"
"It's all the times that Levi hurt me and sometimes stuff from the job too."
I sigh.
"We had a girl die in my arms because we didn't find her in time"
"That must've been hard to deal with"
"Yeah, I was beaten when I got home and I suffered from delayed grief"
She nods.
"I- I couldn't deal with the stress of work and my home life but work is my home away from home. I started working overtime and Levi would collect me then bring me home and- rape me"
"I couldn't stop him...I would fight every time and he'd just continue"
She nods
"How many times would you estimate that he's raped you?"
"I've lost count."
I cry.
I fiddle with my watch that's on my arm.
"When was the last time you cut yourself?"
"Yesterday"
I cry.
"You did it again baby?"
"Yes I'm sorry"
"Where'd you do it baby?"
"my thighs"
She frowns slightly.
"I'm sorry...I had to"
"I know baby, I know"
She embraces me as I sob.
She holds me tightly
"I- I want to stop but once I start doing it, I can't stop"
"It's an addiction Hailey."
"My father has the addiction gene so thats where I get it from"
She nods.
I scratch the inside of my arm as Kim stops me.
"I just can't believe that this happened. After I finally left my toxic home, I swore to myself that I'd never be abused again and now look at me!"
"You tried to stop it by trying to leave am I right?"
"Y-yes"
"Can you tell me what happened?"
I shake my head rapidly.
"Okay that's okay...we could possibly go back to that topic another time if you're willing"
I shrug my shoulders
"Alright. Are you going to be able to keep yourself safe until the next session?"
"I don't know"
"I suggest that Kim you keep an eye on her and make sure that she doesn't hurt herself"
Kim nods
We go home and Kim takes Henry inside.
Kim feeds him a bottle and puts him to bed as I make us something to eat.
She comes back down.
"Is he sleeping?"
"Yep"
She changes her shirt since he had burped sick up on her.
I plate her up the dish that I made and give myself a portion.
I feel so fat so I don't want to eat but I have to according to her.
I eat fast and finish first.
"Woah...slow down"
"In my house...if you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat at all!"
I lash out suddenly
"What?"
"Nothing, I'm sorry baby"
"No please tell me"
"I was starved by my dad and now I have body issues because of it."
"Oh sweetie"
I break down and I crouch down.
I start to sob as I cradle myself
She takes me into her arms.
"I think I'm fat and-"
"You're not fat baby"
"I used to make myself purge and I would abuse diet pills and substitute liquids for food"
"Is that when you would only drink protein shakes at work?"
"Yeah"
She holds me tight as I sob.
"He- he called me fat when I was pregnant and even before that. He would always tell me that my outfit didn't suit me and that I was a slut for wearing a skirt to work"
"Aw sweetie."
"He would make me change and while I was changing he'd- he force me down onto the f-floor and make me- make me suck him"
"My poor baby"
She holds me until we get up off the floor.
"I'm exhausted, can I go to bed?"
"Of course, you don't need to ask permission honey"
"Oh okay...he'd make me ask for permission to do anything"
"Anything as in?"
"Go to the bathroom, take a shower, go out, drink alcohol, and he'd make me ask for him to- rape me. He'd make me beg for it"
"Oh honey...he treated you so bad"
"He just wouldn't let me leave...he was obsessed and probably still is"
I sob as we walk up the stairs.
I watch Henry babble to himself through the baby monitor as I get changed.
I go to the bathroom and then I get into bed
Kim wraps her arms around me.
"Night baby"
I tell her
"Goodnight baby, please don't hurt yourself"
"I love you"
I tell her
"I love you more"
We kiss and then I turn off my lamp.