Notebook dreams //A Scaramouche x reader fanfic//

51: I hate this room

My eyes were watery when I woke up. I felt disgusting. This room felt- no was disgusting. Everything in this room was awful, and I hated every part about being in here. The bed was the worst, and yet, that was the only place I could be.

I didn't remember in detail what happened after things got blurry and went black. All I knew was that I hated it. Every single part. I wanted to sink down in the mattress and let the sheets swallow me whole.

The light walls felt cramped and suffocating. Outside the window was covered in mist and fog. It was gray with gray on. I wished that what happened was a dream. That I could have fought it. Done something to stop him. But it was too late. It was already done.

I don't know when he left. Or if he still is in this room somewhere. But my eyes, no matter how hard I looked around, could not see him or anything different with the room.

My shoulder ached and I turned my head to look. The blood red teeth marks were engraved in my shoulder. The blood was dried now and a bruise was forming.

If someone were to come inside this room, I would cry, maybe even sob. I wanted to be alone, but at the same time, I needed to hold someone. To have someone close to comfort me. It was not possible. Not at all.

Even if someone was to walk inside this room, even Scaramouche, I would start shouting at them to leave, to get the hell out and leave me alone. Many mixed feelings dashed around inside of me and I let a single tear, not many, but one fall.

I sat up in the bed. My body screamed to let go and fall back, but I refused. I would get the hell out of here, even if it was the last thing I would do. They already know about my mother, what else could they want to know? Nothing. They just kept me here for their own entertainment.

My eyes were still blurry from the tears that still were forming in my eyes, but I still sat my feet down on the ground and tried to balance myself. I still felt like I ran a marathon.

My balance was really hard to keep, but I managed a step, when the door opened. Scaramouche stopped halfway in when he saw me standing up. He smiled at my pathetic try, but placed himself in the corner.

"If you want me to believe that you did it, you will have to wait till I am in the room." His smile formed into a grin as he crossed his arms. I didn't respond to him, but slowly tried to make my way over to him.

I was about to lose my balance and fall, but I catched myself just in time.

"It will take a miracle for you to make it over here." His grin only widened. Still I didn't respond but took another step towards him. I don't think he knew what happened a couple hours ago. Maybe it was only Dottore, and the others had no doing in it.

My shoulder ached again. I quickly pulled my clothing over so that Scaramouche wouldn't see the bitemark and suspect something happened. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him so bad. To cuddle up in his arms and tell every detail. But it would destroy everything about Dottore and he could- he would make it bad, really bad for Simon and dad.

I hated this. How my legs ached even more than before, but that this time, it wasn't the night terrors fault. It was his fault. It was my fault. I could just have fought back and nothing would've happened. If I had just said no harsher, pushed him harder, if I had walked away from it.

My fault. No one else's. Mine. And mine alone.

My feet slowly and wobbly brought me closer and closer to Scaramouche. Step after step. Thought after thought. Every step came with another reason. Another way I could have fought back. Another way that I could have stopped it.

One last step. I was one step away. I felt like my legs would break into tiny pieces and disappear into dust if I moved again. My back was sore from not moving the last week or two. My arms hurt from not moving. My shoulder hurt from the bite. Everything hurt. Every body part. Every thought. Everything hurt.

I took the last step. I was now directly in front of the boy. His indigo eyes met with my (E/C) as he spoke.

"Hallelujah." His grin was now gone and he opened his eyes to pull me in for a hug. His white teeth showed through his smile. I could feel the pain on my shoulder. The mint hair on my face. The smell of cologne and way too minty toothpaste.

His arms were about to wrap around me when I stepped back. My back almost hit the ground, but I steadied myself just in time. Scaramouche sent me a worried expression, but I simply fake smiled for him. My best fake smile so that it looked real. Well, as real as possible.

"Hey are you okay? You are acting weird." Scaramouche took a step towards me. His arms fell down to his side and his indigo eyes were half lidded.

"Yeah I'm fine, I just- You said that I could go now and I just- Can you follow me out to the door?" Even though I tried to sound as confident and happy as I could, I still stuttered and hesitated. Why would I want to leave? They clearly want me here. No, I am getting out of here and back to Simon, back to school, to Xinyan.

"I did say that." Scaramouche's voice was low and breathy. He slowly nodded before turning around and opening the door. I took slow and careful steps over the floor, and I got out to the hall. Scaramouche was still holding the door open, even as I was long gone.

I was halfway down the hall when footsteps sounded loud behind me. Like if someone was running. They clearly were in a hurry.

"(Y/N)!" Scaramouche placed a hand on my bad shoulder and I let out a quiet hiss before turning around. His face was worried and- scared? I have never seen that on his face.

"I can drive you if you want to." I wanted to say yes. To be together with him one last time before I went home. But I couldn't. My mouth would open, yes, but it said the wrong words.

"No thank you. I can walk." I wanted to run into his arms and tell about everything. But it was my fault. I could have done so much to stop it, and yet, I let it happen. What would Scaramouche even think? That I had sex with someone else than him? No, no I couldn't tell him that. It was my fault. I was the one to blame and no one else needs to know about it than me and Dottore.

"You sure." My mouth wouldn't even open anymore. I just turned around and left. No more footsteps followed behind. I was going to leave this place, forever.

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Hola people

I am sorry that it took so long today, but I needed to play the archon quest, and I had not written this beforehand. But here it is:)

🍽EAT🍽
☕DRINK☕
🛏SLEEP🛏
🌳TOUCH GRASS🌳

-Nicho<3