idk anymore.

33 2 2

by todoisms

by todoisms

So, I guess this is me dumping my shitty emotions from the past near two hours and continuing on here in this book. For fuck's sake.

Idk if there are any trigger warnings apart from me just fucking telling myself this is not okay. Because to be honest? Is this really okay? I don't know anymore. Are my emotions just that fucked up and horrible that it's not right to feel this way at all?

This will probably get updated a lot today. A lot. Because I still feel like a fucking outcast, but now it's worse. It's so much more worse. This feeling sucks.

First one :
When you once again are too socially awkward so you don't say anything, and you've gone to lurking because you're afraid you're going to accidentally ruin conversations < / 3

Gotta love overthinking, right? So much fucking fun, doubting yourself when you can't even say hello because you're positive you're about to ruin people's conversation and you don't want to do that because you'll feel bad after.

This is exactly what happened last month. For fuck's sake, I need to get my shit together. I can't seriously be overthinking such stupid shit like this. For fuck's sake, this is pathetic of me. Absolutely fucking pathetic.

Second one :
Day forty-seven of me overthinking the same pathetic shit once again, and twice it's brought me to tears. I NEED to get my shit together. This is pathetic, I'm pathetic. Fuck this. This feeling fucking sucks. But I don't want to be rude accidentally. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Third one :
Not me accidentally dumping my feelings I've had for the past two fucking hours in the same server I DIDN'T want to say that in. My body aches. I feel so tired. My selfishness fucking sucks and I swear one day this will get the better of me and I'll lose everyone online that I'm close to. Can that day just not come so fucking soon? I can't even prepare myself for that at all.

Fucking good going, Carly. I'm just making things so much worse. I need to shut the fuck up at this point.

Forth one :
Funny. Guess who's still digging herself into this endless pit because they can't just fucking get over themselves and say anything, and when they DO it's when they end up telling two people (one of which they're damn close to) about how they fucking feel. And it fucking sucks, because they can't stop crying over it because they know and they KNOW, this will most probably be the cause of all of their friends leaving them because they can't help but overthink when they don't want to ruin anything, but they somehow always find a fucking way to. Fucking somehow it always happens.