Home for the holidays

Chapter two-Lisa

Settling into my seat on the plane I try to prepare for the next four hours. I've never been the most confident flyer so every inconvenience has been annoying me. For instance a woman bashed into me and maybe I came off as rude but I'm about to be in a flying metal tube for four hours. She also spilt my coffee all over my favourite sweater so that sucks and now I'm cold on the plain because my stupid suitcase is not carry on. So far things aren't going as planned and I can feel the same wave of anxiety that hits me when going to my small hometown. I've only been back on very short trips to see my parents after I moved and transitioned however this time is different because I'm invited to the annual Christmas party. I shouldn't be nervous about seeing everyone except from the fact it will be the first time as the real me in front of the town. To avoid any questions I normally hole myself up in my parents house and we get takeaway etc them just happy to see me but every time I come to this town I feel like a ghost of myself is her the man that had so much potential is now a woman thriving in business.

Settling into my seat I try to close my eyes. It only a plane it's the safest way of travel. Even though logistically I know that it doesn't help my crippling fear of this metal tube exploding. Somehow I mange to drift asleep-- a light sleep but still something. 

***

When the plane starts to land I have to do everything in my power to not throw up. Last time I was in a plane I threw up as we were landing much to the dismay of the kid that had been next to me. My hands grip the sides of the seat slightly my nails digging in. This is by far worse than takeoff. My head starts to spin as the plane depends its way down my ears ringing threatening to pop. Since I last threw up (almost on a kid) I refused to go onto a plane for eight months which for how often my family wants to see me is a long time. Instead they had to come to New York which really isn't their atmosphere they hate the business of the city and the close proximity of everyone knowing each other. For me its the opposite, I hate the town I grew up in the idea of everyone knowing aspects of their life makes me feel so anxious I want to peel away all those squiggly pieces of my brain one by one until all thats left is nothingness. Even though I've been out for five years the town has done a remarkably good job at forgetting my existence. Some people in the town know I transitioned, people I used to be friends with etc but everyone decides to not acknowledge how my parents now have a daughter not a son. This Christmas will be the first one that I show the town the knew me and I'm absolutely shitting myself. The last time they saw me was when I was eighteen and visibly masculine since then whenever I've gone to my parents house I felt too awkward to go out due to be in the middle of surgeries and transitioning. 

But now that I'm in a point of my transition where I've done everything I wanted I feel like its time to be my true self in front everyone I used to know. I'm scared they'll dead name me or use the wrong pronouns but I know the people who matter most to me will try to correct anyone who says anything disrespectful. Its a small town and I grew up there as a dysphoric teenager  so I'm not expecting a pride parade but I hope its a whole lot better then how it was when I left. 

Before I knew it the plane had landed. Opening my eyes I realised I'd preoccupied so much with worrying that I wouldn't find a place in my old town I'd somehow managed to not realise the plane finishing landing. Standing up I grab my carry on and head out the plane, in the corner of my eye I notice the woman who bumped into me earlier making me realised how cold my arms are without my favourite hoodie. I try to avoid her waiting until my suitcase is the last at baggage claim. Recognising the little flower stickers I put on the case I grab it double checking the tag to make sure it's mine. Propping it onto its wheels I eventually leave the airport. Looking around my surroundings I recognise my dads truck. Walking over quickly I shove my suitcase into the back reinstating the rain protector just in case. Going over to the passenger door I climb in. 

"Hi dad," I say grinning. He tries to hug me but it's a bit awkward in this tight space. 

"Hi bub how's my favourite daughter?" 

Smiling I chuckle, "I'm your only daughter." 

"That may be true but that just means you'll always be my favourite." 

Smiling in response I flick the radio station over to something better than whatever my dad was listening to he's always been renowned for his awful music taste. 

*** 

The truck pulls to a stop outside my childhood home. My parents have already put up their annual Christmas lights and as I look at the house I can't help but think how much I missed this-- missed them as a family all together. As I get out the car I see my dad waiting with my suitcase and my carry on which is placed haphazardly on top. Walking towards the front door I brace myself for what's to come and feel the happiness seep in.  I open the front door and walk in.