My diary

The visit

My parents came to visit me, at first I wasn't sure why they decided to come at all. But I think I know now.

They came with my cat, and if they didn't I wouldn't have felt motivated to see them at all.

If they feel like they are loosing me, it's because they are. I feel like I'm dying right in front of them.

My mother told me about how my father was talking about pulling me out of school. I couldn't even speak to her when she decided to talk to me. Perhaps she decided to choose late at night to tell me knowing I couldn't go anywhere.

I want to go home. And by home I mean my student housing. The dirty and musty 4 sided bedroom I share with my roommate who still remains a total stranger. I'd rather be there than with my own family at this moment.

I must confess I started to dress myself at midnight when she started her whole rant. It wasn't much of a rant more of a way of her asking me how I expect to stay in school.

The truth is I don't know. I don't even know how I expect myself to stay breathing. I don't want to be here anymore. I would love to stay here at school but every day I think about leaving everything.

That's a stupid thought to have and I am aware of that. But I can't help but feel upset. I have a chance to be something right now. But I don't feel like I am anything.

But I wanted to get dressed and make the hour trip on transit back to what I call home. I'd just prefer not to talk to them.

I thought I was making a difference. I thought I was doing better but now I'm not sure.

Sure, I've been doing things that were better for me. But what about studying. I haven't been doing much of that. Or as much as I should.

I should just strap myself down and study while I can. Or get strapped and lobotomized.