My diary

self improvement

i absolutely do cringe at what i write. i feel like i lack the ability to actually confess what i am thinking. i feel like i am so open but i don't really feel like it. i understand nobody is entirely open all the time or even at all. and it's not like i want to be open to the point where my ass crack is spread so far away i cant even fully breathe without having to pathways taking in air.

i am lacking a bigger vocabulary that would help me get my point across. i say that but while thinking i just also feel that maybe my vocabulary isn't what is lacking. because people are able to express their feelings in a simple manner.

so why cant i.

part of me doesn't want to be open, because that's all i've ever known. to be yourself means to be vulnerable. it's to be painted as a giant target. it's to be held stranded on stage with no clothes unwillingly.

so why cant i stop. why cant i stop something that inflicts so much in my life. part of me hopes i'll find people that are like me. but would it really want to be surrounded by me? to answer no to that, is so agree that i am not so great. but that's it. i am not not that great.

i've been so stuck in this illusion of self help and self improvement. but honestly that's such bullshit. because although i feel like i've become a better person i feel like it's a never ending thing.

i feel like self improvement at a constant progressive level is damn near a scam. i've invested so much just to end up like this. alone and by myself.