My diary

Change-deftones

I feel like I have to change myself. To be honest I try to be myself to the best of my ability. But now I realize I'm not sure who I am and what is and isn't me.

I just apologized to a girl for trying too hard to be her friend and said that even though the year is ending I want to keep in contact because I think she is cool and sweet. Maybe that was random and caught her off guard but I felt the need and as I was talking to her I felt like crying.

If people keep talking about the same things about me in a negative manner, there's probably something wrong. They said I'm crazy, that I'm too much, that I'm too sensitive. And maybe if they weren't the way they were then I wouldn't be sensitive. And maybe if they actually told me like I told them to do then this wouldn't have happened. But after all I did for them. And after they all acknowledged all of what I did for them even though I never asked for that, they'd still do this.

Perhaps I was using them. Maybe I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to start at the gym by myself. There is a lot of people I have to apologize to but I'm not doing that to them. They don't deserve it. Although maybe I made some mistakes or overreacted since I was too emotional and sensitive, but I don't think I deserved everything they said.

I only found out tonight since I was locked out of the floor and was on the staircase. It sounds like something out of a movie. But maybe it was a sign. After I told my friend she confessed they have been shit talking me since our friendship started.