OUR BROKEN BEGINNINGS

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The house was quiet, lit up only by the exterior security lights and the dim lighting of the kitchen. The car ride home was silent as if we both didn't know what to do with the situation or with the things that we declared in my office. I supposed we were both letting our thoughts turn. Trying to figure out what together actually meant.

We stood in the kitchen looking at each other silently. His dark, brown hair was ruffled, and the stubble on his cheeks and jawline showed the long days he'd been having. Even despite the tousled look he wore, he was still easily the most beautiful man I had ever seen. I didn't even want to know what I looked like.

I could basically feel the dark weight underneath my eyes. It felt like the dinner I had with my best friends was days ago, but in reality only a few hours had passed. When I finished my water, I rinsed my cup and placed it on the drying rack. Emerson stood there and watched me. He was so quiet. So serious. It made me wonder if he regretted what he said. Saying we were in it together.

We were both so accustomed to going through so much alone. Dealing with things alone. Charlotte was always there to support me and be there if I needed her, but it is hard to fully confide in someone that might not understand the pain. Who might not understand what you have to deal with within yourself. I talked to her, of course, but I still did deal with most things on my own. It had become easier that way. I wondered if Emerson understood that, and the word 'together' terrified him as it terrified me.

I was slowly beginning to realize—to understand that it is all in steps. Learning to trust someone who truly did understand you. Learning that it is okay to accept help or to not do everything alone. It had seemed like such a slow incline, but maybe that's because it is. Healing isn't always linear. Being healed has always been such an unattainable goal that I stopped believing it was possible. Being emotionally unavailable had become a better and more doable alternative. It never occurred to me that it was indeed possible. I knew it was far away and the road was a long and winding one, but maybe accepting the word together was the first step to many.

As I looked at my husband, the man who inspired change in me in such a short time, the first step seemed less daunting. So, I allowed myself to take it.

"Emerson. Will you stay with me tonight?"

His lips parted, and I could have sworn I heard a sigh of relief leave him. His smile was soft and tired, but it was unmistakably happy. His words were as soft as his smile, "I would love nothing more."

I walked toward him and extended my hand to him. He gently placed his hand in mine and let me lead the way. We entered my bedroom without sharing any words. I turned my back to him to go to my dresser and grab some sleepwear, leaving him to go change in the bathroom. I knew he had already seen the most intimate parts of me, but I couldn't get myself to change in front of him yet.

When I exited the bathroom, Emerson was already laying under the covers. His pants and shirt were neatly folded and placed on top of the chair in the corner. The same chair that I placed my wedding dress on the first night of being here—our wedding night. That night felt like an eternity ago. I tried to ignore the butterflies that fluttered in my stomach as I made my way to the bed. It shouldn't be so nerve-racking, something as simple as sleeping in the same bed as another.

I slipped underneath the covers and lay on my side so that I was facing him. His hair was swooped back, and I could clearly see the planes of his face. Those hazel eyes moved around my face, observing me. We lay in silence but together. Even from the beginning, I knew he appreciated the silence like me—appreciated the beauty of peace.

He lifted a hand and moved the hair on the side of my face behind my ear. Sparks ignited everywhere his skin touched mine. The only thing illuminating the room was a small lamp on my nightstand. His skin glowed underneath the soft light, and it made him look even more beautiful if that were possible. Every time I saw him, I thought he was more beautiful than the time before.