Gold Dust || JJK

47 - Boy with luv

Jungkook

The same eyes that now are shut so tranquilly were sparkling with excitement last night, tears of joy, and a dreamy glow behind the pillowy eyelids smeared with mascara. And I looked at her just as I look now.

I looked, and the time stopped, yet I kept looking.

I looked, and my breathing stopped, yet I kept looking.

I looked, and my heart stopped, yet I fucking kept looking.

Because the whole world could burn around me, and I would still look at her with a dumb smile carved on my face, surrounded by fire. Good enough to inspire Dante for his Inferno, similarly describing my journey through hell until I found God.

Or better said, Goddess.

Like Dante, I had to stumble upon the nine-centric circles of torment, starting with the Limbo, the first I can relate to very much. Not sinful enough to warrant damnation, but I could not accept that what I was doing was, in fact, wrong.

Some kids gambling here and there was childish at best. That's what I thought—a stupid joke.

But the joke that got us laughing, pulling the corners of our mouths so close to the cheekbones, began hurting and not from giggling too much. The smile was forced, automatic, emotion-deprived, and only used to hide the terror of the aftermath.

Thus, I stopped smiling. Labeled it as taboo. Wrapped it with red warning tape and considered it toxic. Until now.

She taught me how to do it the proper way. Came with her clumsy walk, fluffy hair, and an easy-to-embarrass cloud above her head, basically sculpting the stern line on my lips. Perhaps she did not like it. It was too straight for her preferences.

So, she changed it. Took the corners with her thin fingers and lifted them upwards. That's how they have stayed ever since we met.

However, before that, I mastered the eight remaining circles with a tenacity I wish I had not.

Dante's punishment of Hell was hindered by Minos, the serpentine who judged and condemned the sins, sending their souls to their torment. In my torture, Kwan was my Minos, but not sanctioning my behavior.

On the contrary, encouraging it.

Lust, gluttony, greed, wrath, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery. I was acing in all so much I started to fucking enjoy them. Because when you do the same thing all the time, it becomes a habit. When you practice your habit for a longer period, it becomes a pattern.

Hence, you attribute feelings of familiarity and comfort to it.

Fucked up or not, that's how it works. And it burns my tongue to admit that I liked it, but that's the truth. It was somehow easy, still morally demanding. Somehow alleviating, still excruciatingly tormenting. Somehow... real, still highly dubious.