ALWAYS || RAFE CAMERON

52

Topper dropped me off at the marina after lunch.

i'd filled him in on most of the things that had been going on with the cross and Rafe and he'd listened intently, offering advice where he could.

"just be by his side," he suggested as we pulled up beside the boat. "he needs someone to be there for him."

"i know," i watched Rafe walk towards us. "it just gets difficult sometimes."

"Rafe is a difficult person, but you know him better than anyone."

"yeah," i breathed.

"anyway, i'll see you when you get back."

i reached over and hugged him. "i'll call you."

he nodded and kissed my forehead. "don't have too much fun without me."

"i'll try my best," i raised my eyebrows and got out of the car.

he waved to me as he reversed back down the dock and i turned to Rafe.

"how'd it go?" he called.

"fine," i replied.

he made his way down the gangplank and pulled me up onto the deck. "ready to go?"

"mhm," i nodded.

"good," he squeezed my hand and headed over to the stern. "can you pull the plank up?"

"yeah, 'course." i bent down and pulled it up as he'd asked.

"imagine us a year from now," he started the engine. "sailing around the world on our super yacht without a care in the world."

i took a deep breath. "imagine."

"we'd be billionaires from the gold and selling the cross."

"yeah,"

i could feel Rafe staring at the back of my head.

"what's the matter?" i could hear the frown in his voice. "did Topper say something?"

"it's not Top—it's me."

"what have you done?" his voice softened.

"i didn't... couldn't tell him." i gazed at the water.

"about the... baby?"

my silence told him yes.

"it's ok, June. you don't have to tell anyone until you're ready."

"i'm not ready."

"give it some time-"

"i'm not ready, Rafe!" i snapped. "my own mother didn't know what to say when i told her!"

i heard him sigh, knew he was rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"you feel that way now-"

"when have i ever gone back on something i said." i stated.

he didn't reply, because he didn't want to say 'never'.

"get some sleep," he told me instead. "it's a long journey."

i got up and headed inside without saying a word.

i laid out on the plush king size bed and stared at the ceiling.

in what felt like to time at all, the gentle rocking of the waves lulled me into a deep sleep.

—  —

the sun was hot on my skin as i stared out at the water.

i was on the boat, dressed in a white one-piece swimsuit and a large floppy sun hat.

i heard whispers behind me and grinned.

"look, she can't see us," came Rafe's hushed voice. "shh... ready?"

"boo!"

i pretended to jump and whirled round, scooping a little wriggly body into my arms and spinning in a circle.

"oh, you scared me!" i laughed, setting the toddler down.

it was a boy with Rafe's eyes, my nose and sandy blonde hair.

"again, Mommy!" he reached up for me.

i looked at Rafe who stared down at the boy with a look of pure, unchallenged love on his face.

his gaze was soft, the corners of his mouth pulled up.

this boy was our son.

i spun in another circle, one hand on my hat so it didn't blow away.

"careful, June," Rafe warned.

"he's fine,"

he raised his eyebrows and watched us.

"you want to go again?" i nuzzled the boy's neck.

"yes, yes!" he kicked his little legs.

"wooo," i spun another circle.

"June, that's enough," Rafe said.

"he's fine," i repeated.

i turned yet another circle, but something felt wrong.

the boy was heavy, limp in my arms.

his eyes were open, unseeing, and his lips were blue.

"oh my god!" i screamed.

Rafe rushed over and took the toddler from me, frantically pressing down on his little chest.

but it was too late.

the baby was gone.

dead.

and it was my fault.

— —

i woke in a cold sweat.

the sun was beginning to set, casting orange streaks over the surface of the water.

Rafe was still behind the wheel, guiding us towards the port.

"we're here." he stated.

"Rafe, you—" i stopped myself.

"i what?"

i clicked my fingers. "you don't think it was my fault, do you?"

"of course not, Juno. how could it be?" his green eyes bored holes in me.

"i just... i don't know."

"come here," he opened his arms and i walked into his embrace. "the only person at fault is the pogue."

i watched the water over his shoulder.

"it was never your fault." he tilted my chin up, forcing me to meet his eyes. "you understand that, right?"

"yeah," i said, wondering if i believed myself.

he docked the boat just as the sun set and we stared towards the island of Barbados.

"ready then?" he took my hand.

"let's sell this cross."