My 5 "S"

My Anxiety

warning: could be kind of disturbing-

I have anxiety.. no confirmations or what..
So I don't really know much if its severe or normal.. I just think that I do have one since.. I have physical and mental symptoms.

I overthink a lot and it has gone worse.
Why I say so? Because before I could still control it.. now whenever I am being attacked all I could think of are.. violent thoughts.. it doesnt make me violent but I know for sure if I dont stop it I may end up violent.

It is hard to stop sometimes.. so hard that it makes my whole body shake.. makes it difficult for me to breathe.. makes my knees tremble.. makes my head think of a lot of worse things..

wheter  I am in a car.. or road.. or anywhere..

sometimes.. when I am around people.. I think of getting killed or killing someone or killing myself maybe- sometimes when in a car I just wanna take the wheel and turn it around causing an accident-

I hated it so much because it felt impossible to stop it.

back then when I was still taking the architecture course.. I found it hard to draw in our class.. I was.. attacked everytime..

My social anxiety was really strong that time because of the pandemic.

as I draw that time.. It wasnt just the cold that made me shake.. I SWEAR I WAS STOPPING MY SELF FROM CRYING! ( one even saw me shaking a lot and she said it was the cold so I believed her just to fool my anxiety but it just wont stop)

I was angry because I couldnt draw.. I couldnt stop comparing my self from the others.. I couldnt start the task given to us JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND ME!

so.. I go to the bathroom a lot of times-

there are people who warmed up to me that somehow helped me to go a little bit further but.. I thought I was doing good already.. I wasnt actually, I was pressured with the responsibility..
and not just that.. I was pressured that my father was so proud of me.. I was scared to disappoint him and I knew I was failing because I was.. mentally unstable-

I tried to catch up with everyone else... but I was just so tired.. eventually it wasnt me who gave up.. but my body.. I became sick most of the time.. more vulnerable.. I missed a lot of class schedules but still tried to catch up.. until I just decided to.. stop there.. I wasnt having fun anymore.. I was always trying to empress my parents with what I could do and they became so proud of me that it made me afraid to disappoint them one day.

and then.. I did disappointed them.. because I decided to quit that course.. It made me sad and even worse.. It made me feel like a failure.. a burden or what..  until now I still think about it

I am being left out again.. I am jealous of those who still study.. however I am also proud that I am still helping my parents and siblings.. it just makes me wonder if my family is disappointed.

Even after everything that happened.. I choose to be open to my family and everyone close to me.

you know-

one thing that helped me solve my anxiety was the kick boxing training..  but I havent been able to go back there yet since I do deliveries as sideline.. and I help my mother with the house chorse.. I look out for my younger siblings and at the same time show love to everyone I know.

trust me I hated everyone xD
At the same time I care deeply about them

I give too much and yet don't wanna receive that much.

anyways.. I am supposed to be proud of myself for being this strong✨

I have become extremely moody though xD
and yes I am difficult to handle.