Penny for your thoughts

To the last cent: Lauren

I've always been in awe of her. From the moment she stepped into my life, I couldn't get her out of my mind.

Strong. Determined. Beautiful.

She's been diligent in paying me back. At first, I thought I wouldn't keep track but it's been harder and harder not to do.

Everything she pays back brought our relationship closer to the end. I feel bad thinking of it this way.

As if the only reason we're bound together is the fact that I tried to buy her.

Denying all the memories and truth we shared. Like we never actually loved or cared about each other.

Maybe I didn't, or at least not the same way she did for me. It haunts me and I deserve it.

I know it's too late to be running in circles in my head.

I've been making a lot of progress living my life thoughtfully, meticulously, and painstakingly just like I meant to. By giving myself room to hurt, process, and grow, I'm becoming more foreign from who I was before; more resilient, and better on my own.

I look back, and at some point, I felt like she was the only thing that tethers me to my old self. But that's not true at all, I'm the one holding on. She has nothing to do with it. I haven't forgiven myself for losing one of the only good things to have ever happened to me. There are only two ways I could move on, (1) win her back, or (2) lose her completely. I've been working on chasing the latter and realistic option.

When I see her on paydays, it's obvious she's working her ass off to get out of our little arrangement. She's already moved on.

I'll move on eventually... but I don't think I can ever stop loving her. I ask myself if that's the addict in me talking, but this love never gave me a high. It gave me clarity, peace, and purpose. That's hard to find or easily let go of.

For now, I think I'll cherish the little bits of time we have left. Just to the very last cent.