A Fleeting Utopia

Chapter 9

Tsumi recollected herself as she began to knock on the door. She almost couldn't believe she was coming back to this place, but it seemed to be her only choice. When Umber finally opened the door, Tsumi was shocked to see he locked even more tired than the last time she saw him. Is this kid mentally well? Even if she wanted to, it was too late to turn back now. Umber was already starting to spew words out rapidly.
"Who's there? Oh, you're the girl who messed up my simulator! Well, what do you want? Here to mess up more of my stuff? Hey, are you even pretending to listen?"
"Sorry," Tsumi said, placing her gaze on Umber. "I was just..." Thinking about if it's too late to run away? "I was just lost in thought."
"Well, I hope those thoughts involved thoroughly planning out whatever you have to say, because I don't have all day." Umber was still standing at the doorway, and Tsumi had a feeling he wouldn't be inviting her in himself.
"May we go inside first?" Tsumi gritted her teeth as she spoke.
"If you're fast. And don't touch any of my stuff, who knows what you'll do to it."
First Nova, now him? Umber didn't even know half of the story and he was still making assumptions.
Umber opened the door and the two of them sat at the table from last time, which was a lot cleaner than before. "So. What do you want from me." What should have been a question sounded like a demand.
Tsumi thought about it a little. How could she phrase this without having to tell him everything? It's not that it would be bad if he knew, but obviously he wouldn't believe it, and to Tsumi that was just another waste of time.
"You know I've lost my memory, right?" Tsumi said slowly.
"Yes, you've told me," he said, mocking her tone.
"Is there any way you can help me just get a few memories back? I have specific people I want to be in them as well." It couldn't be that far fetched, could it? She wasn't sure about Earth, but the technology here seemed to be pretty advanced. Even Roka was able to have her relive some memories with a VR. Though she wasn't sure if that was something magical.
Umber looked at her bug-eyed, and her heart sank. But his expression quickly changed, as if he changed his mind. "I suppose it might be possible, if I combine a few of the failed device parts I already have...But my technology can only do so much. It also depends on if you've completely lost your memory, like amnesia, or if something else is going on and you still have them, but they're just hidden so deep inside your consciousness that you can't reach them. Not to mention, it'll be painful, and a lot more difficult if I've never seen the people that you specifically want to be in the memories."
Tsumi's heart surged. So her plan might actually work! If she was able to get memories of core moments with her friends and recreate them, she would at least get herself into a position where her friends were able to detect something was off, just like she did, even if she still wasn't able to tell them what.
Then what? A voice at the back of her head urged her to answer. She didn't bother to answer the calls. The truth was, she wasn't exactly sure yet. But she did know she would do everything in her power to get out.
"Why are you just staring at me? Well I'll get started on it, I still have to combine a few of my machines first. You have to do something for me, of course. You agree?"
"It depends on what it is," Tsumi said, knowing full well she would probably do whatever it took.
"I want you to give me your dessert from the cafeteria every time you eat there. I've not once made it there early enough to get a dessert. Someone must be taking two, because there aren't that many people that live on this floor. Or maybe I just have terrible luck."
Tsumi mentally rolled her eyes. It was probably because he was so bossy and stubborn all the time! Though she did feel pretty bad for the kid, and if he was able to pull off what she was asking him, it would be a huge help. "Yes," she agreed almost immediately.
"Really? Okay, I guess I'll start. I'd suggest you'd stay here in case I have to ask you anything. I hope you have something to do, because it may be a while."
What seemed like hours later, Tsumi was still resting her head on the hard table. She couldn't even try to sleep-there were drilling sounds coming from behind her, presumably from the creation of the device. Why did Umber have to make her stay here? She really hoped this would be worth it.
Who was she kidding, of course it would be. Because she would do anything to leave, wouldn't she? Even if it meant damaging her body. All for her and her friends to leave.Tsumi felt her heart starting to pound, and started to breathe quicker than normal. What was wrong with her?
At once Tsumi felt a sharp tap on her shoulder from a cold, slim finger. Taking a deep breath, she turned to face Umber. "Come here. I've finished."
Umber brought her to a corner of the room, shoving things off something that looked similar to the kind of beds you would see in a hospital.
"Are you really sure you want to do this? Usually I wouldn't bother to get involved with what someone else wants, especially if I'm getting something out of it. But doing this will deplete your overall state, mentally and physically. The kind of pain you will feel isn't something you can go to the emergency room for, because there won't be any visible scars. I'm not sure what else it can do to your mind, but I know none of them are good."
"It doesn't matter. How will the memories be delivered to me?"
"I know for sure they won't be like actual memories. If this thing works how I programmed it, the memories would be saved in your mind like they would a drive, and you can play them back when you please."
"That's nice. Just do it." Tsumi threw herself onto the bed.
"Are you sure you're stable enough to make this decision for yourself? Like I said, I usually don't care about other people's stuff, so you know whatever's going on with you is...noticeable."
"Do you want your dessert or not? Come on, you're a kid. You shouldn't worry about me."
Umber made a face Tsumi couldn't describe. "...Okay, whatever. It would be a waste of time for me to make this and for us to not go through with the procedure, anyways."
"Get off."
"Huh?"
"Get off the bed for a second. You have to go inside the device I made." Tsumi hesitantly slid off the bed with his words. She watched as he put a blue tinted tube shaped device about as big as the bed itself on top of it. Umber pressed one of the many buttons on the side and it slid open smoothly.
Tsumi jumped in without a second thought. There was a pair of headphones that were connected to the wall of the device, and Tsumi put them on. She saw Umber's face as he leaned over to check if she had put them on. The door began to close, and Tsumi was only now beginning to realize how closed in this space was.
There was a clicking sound and suddenly darkness engulfed Tsumi's brain. At first, the sensation was tranquil. Her body felt as light as a feather, almost as if it didn't exist anymore. The only thing she could feel was her mind, and all of her thoughts. She wondered if this device had some sort of drug in it, or if it was the intention to have a similar sensation to it.
But soon, she was so deep inside her own mind that it became fearsome. Instead of simply her thoughts, she was within her deepest desires, the whispers of memories she couldn't reach. The next thing Tsumi knew, she was in a bright white room. She could feel her body again, but it wasn't really hers. It was one created inside her mind, one probably created by the machine.
A knife. Sharp, and expensive looking, with gold lacing the hilt. A chair. Just like a chair one might see in a kindergarten classroom. Small, with bright blue plastic. One moment, these things weren't present in the room. And the next moment, they were only a few steps away from Tsumi. She tried to move away, but no matter what direction she went in, she bumped into another white wall.
The impact of the wall to her body shouldn't have been too painful, but every time she made contact with the walls, it felt like someone had swung a bat into her stomach, crushing her organs, cracking her rips, ripping her body until it was almost no more. Blood stained the ivory floor. Repulsed by the sight and rotting smell of her own blood, she turned away. Tears streamed down Tsumi's cheeks, landing in a puddle with her blood. Sobbing, she stopped fighting the room and sat upon the chair. Why was she fighting in the first place? What could be bad about a chair seemingly intended for a child? She wasn't in control of herself anymore.
The moment her skin touched the chair rough, thick chains tightened, rubbing against her thin shirt. She felt the beginnings of a rash starting on her skin.
The knife. It was moving, floating towards her. The spiky sensation of fear prickled among Tsumi's sweaty, bloody neck. If she didn't do something, the knife would pierce her face.
Tsumi reached out and grabbed the knife firmly with her left hand, sure that she had saved herself. This was more than enough suffering, enough that she felt like giving up, letting herself be lost. She dropped her limp hand to her side in sheer relief, the tears still flooding her scarred face.
Tsumi's arm twitched violently. To her horror, her arm began to move, without her own will to do so. Her body moved in a jerky, abrupt way. Her other arm moved outward. Tsumi squeezed her eyes shut, knowing what was to come. She would take anything over this. She would rather live in this false universe than continue with this. She would rather die than continue with this.
Even if she were so selfish as to sacrifice the world and her own friends for the sake of her own pain tolerance, which she was conflicted about, even in the horrifying moment, there was no stopping, no matter how hard she cried.
She felt her own arm slicing her wrist, tearing the soft flesh apart. Though her eyes were closed, she knew it was messy and careless, as if she were simply cutting open a freshly caught fish before roasting it on the fire instead of her own skin. She knew she wasn't hurting herself, nor did she want to, but a small part of her was convinced that she had done this to herself. And that was enough to scar her, internally and externally.
It made no sense, none at all. Even if she were to die to save everyone, or endure hellish pain as she was now, it wouldn't make sense in her current situation. If she died now, there wouldn't be a chance of ever getting out, unless Nova came to her senses. And there was that reoccurring thought that she and possibly all of her friends were already deceased. That would make even less sense, for her to die now. If she was already dead, what would death mean in a created universe like this?
Tsumi felt a punch to her gut, but it felt like it was by an actual hand, and not her own. It also felt strangely small. She heard the sound of snapping her ears. Had she died? Or was she back in her own body. 
Tsumi realized she could feel her eyes, her real eyes. She had never been so excited about a body part most creatures had. She could also feel the intense shaking of her legs. Cautiously, she opened one eye to see she was back in the capsule, the door open. Had she even really left.
"Tsumi-" Umber started to speak, but Tsumi pulled her own arm forward, examining for the leftover scars.
"There's nothing." Tsumi breathed. She turned to face Umber, a sudden rage overtaking her.
"You." The word was filled with as much venom Tsumi could manage.
"I'm sorry. Was it bad?"
"OF COURSE IT WAS BAD, HOW COULD YOU PUT ME THROUGH SOMETHING SO-" Tsumi broke off with a choke, tears welling in her throat.
"I'm sorry." he repeated, not making eye contact. "Do you want to talk about it? Different things happen for every person. And I did warn you that it would be a terrible experience."
Tsumi coughed, hacking up blood onto her white shirt. Umber averted his eyes from the mess. "The memories," she gasped, blood streaming down her chin. "How do I get to them?"
Umber hesitated.
"What are you waiting for? Don't you want your precious sweets?"
"Three memories, each for one of your friends. Isn't that what you asked me while I was making the device?"
"Yes, how do I access them?" Tsumi spat.
"You have to will each memory into your mind. You'd just think, 'memory one' with the intention of pulling the memory forward if you wanted that one. And then it'll just play in your mind, almost like a dream. But you won't want to do it in public, because it kind of zones you out."
"So I could do it now?"
Umber eyed the dripping blood. "I know that what your mind tricked you into seeing must have been traumatizing, but how do I say this...No."
"My mind? Um, I'm pretty sure that was YOUR DEVICE!"
"Okay, out," Umber said, carefully but far from gently taking her hand and guiding her out of the device.
"I, uh, wish you luck with your recovery," Umber said, visibly uncomfortable. He had pushed her into the doorway. "Bye." He promptly shut the door on her, leaving her drowning in her own thoughts.