South Park oneshots

Cartman learns French

"Bonjour guys!" Cartman sat at the table with his school lunch. He had successfully confused the 7 at the table with his abnormal
greeting. "What?" Kyle asks. "J'ai appris le français." Cartman giggles in satisfaction watching everyone trying to translate what he just said. "Guys! I said I learned French." He explains. "What, why?" Stan questions him. Cartman answered, but his answer wasn't the truth.

The real reason Cartman learned French was to be able to comment everything on anything and not get in trouble. Cause he knew nobody else that spoke French. This was all very satisfying for him, ideas already started rising in his head. "Kyle, tu es un vilain juif." He snickered. "Dude what did you say nobody understands French." Kyle firmly spoke up. "Oh it doesn't matter."

"Hey fellas, have you heard?" Butters walked up to their table. He was smiling and looked eager to tell them. "What is it Butters?" Kenny muffled. "I finally learned French!" He excitedly tells, showing a diploma he got from a French course.

"What!? No!" Cartman saw his plans sink in front of him. "Cool! Cartman just told us he also learned French." Stan tells Butters. Butters seems to light up and turns to Cartman. "Toi aussi?" He asks with excitement. "Oui, moi aussi." Cartman rolls his eyes. Why did Butters have to learn French too? That's when Cartman came with a solution to his problem.

"Butters, you are the only kid in fourth grade who took that course, right?" He asks Butters who was sitting down besides Tolkien. "Yes, I was the only kid too." That relieved Cartman. Seems like he only had to deal with one person. "Can we talk after school?" Cartman asks Butters, raising confusion at the others at the table. "Uh, yes sure! Why?" Butters replies. "You will see."

He knew how to handle this with Butters. He has done this type of stuff before. All he had to do is tell Butters they could have their own cool code language. Basically letting Butters in on the plan, but not fully. Just to make sure he wouldn't translate the things he said to other kids. To keep him fully out of the plan, he is gonna gaslight Butters into thinking certain words mean something different. Butters would believe him.

After class Butters headed over to Cartman. "What is it Eric?" Cartman takes him further away from their classmates. "Listen Butters, I just got this amazing idea. What if, we use French as a secret code language?" He proposes. "Ooh! That sounds fun! Yes let's do this!" Butters agrees. "But you have to promise me something for this to work, okay?" Cartman places a hand on Butter's shoulder. "You have to promise me you don't translate anything we say to anyone else. Otherwise it won't be a secret code language anymore." Butters looked shocked and promised to never do that without hesitation. "I knew I could trust you." Cartman reassures him.

The next day he used his French knowledge. "What is eighteen divided by six, class?" Garrison asks the class, inspecting every student. Cartman raises his hand. "Putain." He answers casually. He could feel Butter's confused eyes burn on him. "What? What does that mean?" Garrison asks, already aware of Cartman knowing French. Then he realized he didn't know the answer to eighteen divided by six. "Two." Cartman hesitantly says. A few kids laughs as Garrison sighs. "No Eric."

"How about you Tolkien?" Garrison looks over at Tolkien, who confidently answers three. "Correct! Eighteen divided by six is three." Garrison writes the answer on the chalkboard. As he is doing that, Eric feels a tap on his shoulder. "Eric, why did you reply with that?" Butters whispers.

"With what? I really thought the answer was two okay?" Eric whispers back. Butters paused for a second to think. "But I thought two meant dix? I learned that." Butters asked in a desperate voice. "No, that's wrong. I thought you knew French?" Cartman whispers back right before Garrison finished writing on the chalkboard and faced the class again.

Cartman viewed Butters question his abilities in silence. He grinned, this was all working perfectly. "Mr Garrison, you are such a great teacher I wanted to do a speech for you." Cartman speaks up, holding his laughter.

"Well, that's very sweet of you Eric, but we are doing math now, maybe later." Garrison replies to Eric, pointing a finger at the problems on the chalkboard. "No but I want to do it now, otherwise I won't remember the words. It's in French! Don't you wanna hear it?" Cartman convinces Garrison. Hearing that it will be in French, he gives in and lets Cartman hold his speech.

"Dear mister Garrison, tu es une grosse pute. Je veux coucher avec ta mère. tu es moche, stupide et le pire professeur de tous les temps. J'espère que tu seras viré. Thank you, mister Garrison."

(Translation: Dear mister Garrison, you are a fat whore. I want to have sex with your mom. You are ugly, stupid and the worst teacher ever. I hope you get fired. Thank you, mister Garrison.)

"I don't know what you said, but that was beautiful." Garrison wiped an imaginary tear of his face. Cartman looked at the other kids faces, getting the exact reactions he expected. Butters was absolutely taken aback by what he said about the teacher. Kyle looked skeptical and The rest were either staring or smiling.

During lunch Butters pulls Cartman away from their friends to have a private talk with him. "Eric, what did you say to our teacher? You can't say that you know!" He hisses at him. "What? Why not?" Cartman acts confused and raises an eyebrow.

"The things you said!" Butters explains, holding out his hands and showing his palms. "Why? Is saying that he is the best teacher ever a crime?" Cartman defended himself. "What?" Butters tone changed from angry to dazed. "Yea, that is what I said!" Cartman muttered. "But- but I thought-" Butters stuttered before getting interrupted by Eric; "I thought you spoke French?"

"I do! I don't understand why I'm hearing different things. Oh god, I didn't learn it at all. My parents will ground me if they find out!" Butters whined. This was exactly Cartman's plan. "It's fine, they don't have to know. Just ignore what I'm saying then, okay?" Eric comforts Butters, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "You are right, thank you Eric. You are a good friend." Butters thanks him.

Suddenly, Cartman was called to the principals office during lunch. Confused and annoyed, he took his cookie and headed over to the principals office to see what's up. Most of the times he was called to the principals office he knew exactly what he was in for, but this time he really didn't know. Was there a way that Butters still told them what he said? But he was with Butters the whole time! Impossible.

When Cartman opened the door he noticed Clyde sitting there, in front of Mr Mackey and PC Principal. "Come in Eric, Clyde here just told us you said some mean things, mkay?" Mackey demands. Oh no, no fricking way Cartman thought to himself as he sat down.

"Clyde first wanted to tell you something before we begin." PC principal, states. "Yeah, uh, Eric, you forgot one person. I speak French too, remember?" He explains to Eric.

Cartman realized that he completely forgot that Clyde also spoke French and heard everything he said. He immediately understood, he was in big trouble. "Fuck you Clyde!" Cartman accused Clyde. Obviously, Mr Mackey and PC Principal were mad because of it, but he had nothing to lose. He was in already big enough trouble because they found out what he had been saying.