Forever Unfinished

Chapter 22

Now

The dreadful sound of the alarm woke me up in a second, making my body jolt upright. I got ready quickly trying my best not to wake Noah up since he still had another good hour of sleep. Yesterday I was too hung over to have a conversation, the headache and nausea felt like it was extending to today. I hated how my body tolerated alcohol. I could drink a lot but my hangovers were brutal. I was planning on telling Noah everything that happened Saturday night. I was a firm believer that honesty was key in communication and this was an essential part in a marriage. Not only a marriage but in any type of relationship.

I grabbed Connie's journal on my way out, I wanted to keep on reading her story and since I had to get to work on time I thought I could finish it on a break. When I got there I did my rounds straight away and checked on the patients I had under my responsibility. As soon as I finished, I planned on getting a coffee at the resident's break room before heading outside to read the journal.

As I sat on the cold tables, I took a deep breath before diving back into her life.

I'm miserable. Every single fucking day I wish I weren't alive. My body disgusts me, my face in the mirror is unrecognizable. The woman I once was had been killed off when his filthy hands ripped my innocence and replaced it with repulsiveness. Every time I close my eyes I see him, forcing me to do things I do not want. I don't even fight it anymore now. I just lay in bed or the couch or even the kitchen counter whenever he feels like having me. He promised so long ago he wouldn't do it again. He had promised so many times he would treat me right. Not a single word that came from his mouth was true.

I had sex with him before, willingly. I remember it being beautiful, the intense collision of two souls merging into place, enjoying a time of love and pleasure. The first time he forced me to do it was after I hid from him. I had been so scared I wanted to flee every time I saw him. It only took one time alone to damn me to this hell. He demanded for me to give him what he deserved and took me without wearing a condom. It's sad to remember that night as the night I conceived my first child. It devastated me how that news wrecked my whole world, ridding me from my family and friends, from my dream and future.

I sometimes dream of Alvaro. I imagine what our lives would be like if Felipe hadn't entered my life. I was so naive, so stupid. I sometimes picture us in a big house that we both share where we had a pool we used on summer days and a bonfire we would put up on winter nights. Every time I dream about him it turns into a terrible nightmare. Sometimes, the fire burns the house down into mere ashes. I stand there looking at the ash that used to be our home, as snowflakes touch my skin making me feel cold and dead inside. Other times, I'm not able to reach him as an invisible force pulls us apart. I keep running toward his body but he keeps standing so far away to reach. Other times, I'm awoken by Felipe's urges and I'm in a whole new different nightmare that is my own damn life.

Lorenzo learned to walk today. He turned 2, three months ago. He's such a sweet little boy, pale face, raven black hair that brings out those emerald green beautiful eyes. I love him so much. I'm scared some times of leaving him alone with his father. Felipe isn't so bad around him but I'm afraid he will turn just like him. I'm even more terrified of him living in fear as he watches his own mother being forced to do things she doesn't want to. To be beaten down by his own father. Start questioning the bruises, the fights, the verbal abuse. I don't know how I will ever explain that to him.

Ava was about to turn 8 months in a few days. She's also gorgeous except she's the product of rape as well as her older brother. When Lorenzo was conceived, I wasn't even sure if what had happened had been wrong. I remember not wanting to have sex with him that night, I remember saying I didn't want to. It's funny how someone can let you believe it was all your fault. You dressed provocatively, you smiled at him way too long, you drank too much one night, you 'were such a tease'. It became clear later in our relationship that what had happened had a name and that he had in fact raped me. He kept doing that for so many years, we eventually conceived another child.