Secrets Don't Make Friends

Chapter 11: Peggy

Chapter Eleven:

Tony took a shuddering breath, his eyes jerking down and to the side, breaking eye contact with Steve. His chest felt tight and raw, the muscles in his body still clenched and aching with the need to just... do something. Run, fight, cry, scream - Tony didn't know. He hated how it felt like he was taking shelter from a raging storm in what basically amounted to a house of cards. He was one strong wind gust away from watching the whole thing topple down around him. It felt like his secrets were being peeled back from him, layer by layer, as painful as removing a band aid left on too long around an open wound. A hiccuping sob built up in his chest. Once these secrets were gone, these pieces of his identity, once everyone knew... what would be left?

Who was Tony Stark, really? The thing that terrified him the most was that he honestly didn't know. And he didn't know if that small, cramped, hidden part of him was worth any of this. What if he wasn't loveable? Worthy? God damnit, what if he wasn't enough? He could hear his father's words echoing in his head all these years later. He had to change himself completely in an effort to earn that man's affections, and even then it wasn't enough. The sad fact of the matter was that Howard Stark had never loved his only son. He had gone to the grave deeply disappointed in Tony.

He jerked his head out of Steve's hands, knowing that the Alpha was strong enough to keep him still if he so desired, but was letting Tony hide his face from his too-intent gaze. A gaze that was filled with a myriad of things that Tony didn't want to even try to put a name to right now. He wasn't sure that he could. He was sure he was worth-

"Oh, Tony..." Steve's voice was pitched low and soft. Tony startled as a strong arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him flush up against the warmth of Steve's chest. He let out a muffled sob as Steve's other hand came up to cup the back of Tony's head and neck. Gently Steve pulled him closer, tucking Tony's head down to rest on his broad shoulder, long fingers carding through his hair in soothing circles, in an attempt to massage the tension away. Tony tucked his nose into Steve's neck, unable to help the way his body seemed to melt like butter beneath Steve's strong, and capable hands. He could feel his tears wet against Steve's skin, and he clenched his teeth in an effort to keep the submissive whine that was building in his chest locked away. Steve smelled like everything he ever wanted. He smelled like pack, like safety, like family. He sucked in greedy breaths even as his body trembled with the force of the emotions he was holding back. Because he wanted that. He wanted it more than anything, and he was afraid... afraid he couldn't have it. Afraid that once they knew him, they wouldn't want him anymore. Because Tony had never been wanted, not for keeps at any rate. Tony, as he was -stripped down to his very base parts, had never been enough.

"It's not my secret to tell. I-I can't tell you, I -" Tony finally said, his voice sounding as hollowed out and lame as he felt.

Tony felt pathetic. He felt weak. He hated all of these stupid feelings that kept erupting in his chest. He hated that he was constantly bombarded by them. How did people do this? How did they just go through life feeling? He longed for the days of numbness, where nothing could touch him. His hands, he discovered moments later, were fisted into Steve's shirt as if the Alpha were a lifeline and Tony was lost at sea.

"It's okay, Tony. You're safe now. I've got you." Steve's breath whispered against the shell of his ear, the hand on his back moving up and down in long, soothing, strokes. Tony had never been touched like this. Had never allowed someone this level of familiarity with his body. Something inside of his chest loosened, went boneless and soft, as Steve whispered quiet soothing words into his hair.

They stood like that for some time, out in the front yard beneath the light of a bloated moon, Tony's face tucked into Steve's neck, chest to chest, wrapped up in each other. He felt the Alpha's breath stir in the tangle of his hair, registered vaguely, the soft words murmured there. When Tony's shuddering breaths finally quieted and his body felt weak and limp as if he had just run a marathon, Steve pressed what felt like a gentle kiss to his ear.