Kai once said to me, quoting Nietzsche and Kelly Clarkson, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger." According to her, the quote was made famous by whoever you asked. Though in this situation, I wonder if the quote itself could ever be true.
The strength I demonstrated with Kai was immense, a decent trajectory point for what was to come with Bella. But what was I to do when the trajectory of this change was not a simple dropping of a pencil, but rather a rocket ship?
Every time Bella bit her lip as she so often did, or invited me onto her bed to make me more comfortable as she was agonizingly forcing me into the opposite, I'd see her blood rush to her face, and the scent would be so overwhelmingly overpowering that all I could possibly do is invisibly lock myself in the farthest corner from her, holding my breath for dear life as if inhaling a gust of her scent would kill me. And while it would not kill me, it would certainly end in someone's bloodshed.
I sat on Bella's chair as I often did, looking out the window for any danger, or more frequently, watching the window across from the one I stood behind. I could see a faint silhouette, dancing to Bowie with her friend while she folded her clothes. I couldn't help the faint smile that spread across my lips, and if it weren't for Bella's words I wouldn't have noticed I was smiling at all.
"What are you thinking about that's got you smiling like that?" she asked, her heartbeat calmer than it used to be when she talked to me.
"Nothing," I shrugged. Suddenly, a conversation I had with Kai popped into my head. "Where do you see yourself, five, ten, twenty years from now?"
Bella slumped back into her bed, thinking, making no effort to face me since she knew I'd be able to hear her answer regardless.
"Five years from now, I'd hope to be in college. Probably somewhere good but still cheap. Ten years from now, I'd want to teach, in a community college maybe, so that I know everyone who's there is present because they want to be there. Twenty years from now, I don't know, haven't thought that far."
"What about you?" she redirected.
"Twenty years from now, I'd still be going to high school, still going to university, still inheriting the inheritance my family left behind," I shrugged.
"What about the soulmate bond?" Bella suddenly asked. She seemed to have noticed my odd reaction as I looked up at her, alarmed that she even knew. "Alice told me about it," she quickly explained.
Of course Alice told her about it, I thought aggravatedly.
"What about the soulmate bond?" I echoed.
"Well, if you meet someone won't it make this whole thing more bearable for you, and if she is human can't you change her?" She suggested meekly.
"You're here right now, Bella, you already see how much pain being affiliated with me brings," I said.
I entertained the hypothetical in which both Bella and I both spoke of the unknown variable was.
"If I were to love a human girl, I would never ever put her through the pain of becoming like me."
