Récits d'un amour compliqué

February 2023

It's almost been a year. It's almost been a year that my heart skips a beat every time my eyes come across you. It's almost been a year that most days I want to spend them with you. It's a scary threshold because I keep on telling myself that you can't have this kind of thing on and off for an entire year if there is really nothing going on. And even though I am feeling changes, like us spending more time together, better quality time together, getting to be vulnerable together - nothing really is changing. You still don't want me like I want you. I wonder if you realise the amount of love I have for you. I wish you did. I know you have told me it is not my fault, that you have your own issues to work through, that this is not the time. But I can't keep thinking to myself that it is me, it's not right person, wrong time. That doesn't exist. It's only wrong person, wrong time. If I were actually the right person, we wouldn't still be here.

You know what I also learned today, it's only one person calling it 'situation ship', meaning I am nothing to you. Or something too vague to even try to describe or explain.

I am going towards a wall? Towards wind? It this actually nothing? I don't know what I'm doing or where I am going. I hate it that I feel so safe with you, that you feel like my bestfriend and my boyfriend. To be probably a little too honest, you feel like my world. You're the person I want to go to at the end of the day. You know how they say it's not the person you want to spend your Friday evenings with, but the person you want to spend your Sundays with? That is exactly what I feel. I love just hanging out at your place or mine, doing nothing but cuddling, watching movies or YouTube, having discussions that make me admire you every time a little more, playing games like little children.

I just wish you would understand, and I wish you would make it easier. I wish you would make it clearer. I wish I knew what to do. I wish you did want something a little serious with me. I wish at least you would tell me you had feelings for me. I wish you had feelings for me. I wish I could understand you. I wish I wouldn't hurt as much.