Drowning In Your Love

Guilty Conscience

Tine and Wat were looking anywhere but at each other. They have been avoiding eye contact for a while. After the dinner they had sat down to deal with the issue at the hand. Tine was waiting patiently for Wat to explain everything to him. Wat opened his mouth twice to say something but stopped at the last minute. He needed to gather his thoughts so that he wouldn't mess it all up again. He was desperate to make Time understand the situation and he was sure he would get another chance.

"The man we met that day at the restaurant is Ayan. We went to same school and college. I have known him for about fifteen years. I didn't expect to see him there. I was startled.... I shouldn't have introduced you like that.... It was wrong. I'm sorry."

"But why? Why did you do that?"

"I..... I really don't have any excuse for that. It was uncalled for."

"Were you guys couple or something?"

"No. We never dated."

"But you like him?"

Wat took a deep breath, "I used to. He was my first love. It's hard not to fall for him. Since the day we met I just kept falling harder and harder for him."

"Then why did you guys never date?"

"I never confessed. I couldn't."

"Why?"

"I......Ayan had a little sister. One day we went to m-mall and Ayan had to take a call s-so he..... he went out for a w-while and... I-" Wat was sobbing hard. Gut-wrenching sobs that tore through his chest. He couldn't breathe, his lungs were constricting.

Tine was alarmed, "Wat, are you okay?"

"I was there with his s-sister and I just looked a-a-away for a second and she was....gone. I- we searched for her for hours but couldn't find her. Police report was filed and search team looked around but-" He had wiped his eyes so much they were red and swollen.

"Wat, calm down. Take a deep breath." Tine said.

Wat mumbled incoherent things through his hands and choked on his sobs, "We never f-found h-her. She was g-gone forever. It literally....b-broke Ayan. Even after all that he n-never once b-blamed me. Not even once."

Tine gathered Wat in his arms, "You didn't do it intentionally, Wat. Don't blame yourself."

"He was the one c-consoling me when I should have been the one comforting him. He said he didn't blame me. But I could see.... how utterly broken he was. He pretended to be okay.....but he was becoming a shell of a person he used to be. I was scared, Tine. I was so s-scared that Ayan would shatter and never be whole again.

I pleaded him to get therapy or at least talk to someone about it but he b-brushed it off claiming to be o-okay. He said he could deal with it. Then he met Akk and I watched Ayan come back to life. Akk was everything Ayan had ever needed, they were pieces of same puzzle. Akk pulled Ayan out of that abyss."

"You never confessed to him?"

Wat stared at the floor, "No. How could I? It would be shameless of me to even think of that. After that incident how could I ever do that? It was excruciating to stay by his side only as a friend but I couldn't leave him either. He was all alone so I had to stay by his side to make sure he wouldn't break down completely. I was relieved when Akk came along. At least I knew Ayan would be okay. After college I kinda ghosted him."

There was silence for a while but Wat broke it, "Sometimes I wish Ayan had blamed me. I wish he had gotten angry and shouted at me or even beaten me up, maybe I wouldn't feel such soul crushing guilt then."

"Wat, you'll have to let go of this."

"I know. It's been years but it's always in the back of my mind. Tine, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I don't even know why I did that. It's not like I want to be with Ayan. Definitely not. I'm happy for him and Akk. And deep down I don't think we would have worked out even if I had confessed."

"But you still love him, don't you?" Tine said solemnly.

Wat cupped Tine's face, "What I feel towards Ayan is guilt, years old guilt that I never got chance to get rid of. Yes, I used to love him a lot but I don't anymore. Not in the way I love you. I would still worry about him and hope the best for him but I don't want hug him the way I want to hug you."

"How can you be sure? Maybe you still have lingering feelings for him?"

"I know I messed up but I'll make it all okay."

"Before that I want you to stop blaming yourself. Wat, please don't keep your heart in pain anymore."

Wat nodded, "The best I can say is I'll try."

Tine wiped the tears on Wat's face, "You'll be okay."

"As long as I have you by my side, I think I'll be. Can you give me another chance? I know I keep asking for chances but I don't want to lose you. I'll try to be better so that I don't hurt you again but if I still do that I'll make it right. I can't promise that we won't ever get hurt but I'll be there to make it right for you."

Tine blinked away the tears, "It won't be that easy earning my forgiveness."

"I'm ready for that. I'll make it up to you."

"Okay. But I won't let you get away with it if you ever did something like this again."

"Of course. I would never hurt you like this again." Wat promised him.