Over the years (Domson)

2021

Dom's POV
That's how it went on in 2021 too. He had his girlfriend and his friends and he seemed happy and successful. But that's just what others could see. What I could see, what I had to endure is his pain, his anger, his sadness, all directed at me. He also got rougher with my body, by now he was just looking for his own release mostly ignoring my own needs. I'd still sometimes confront him about his drug addiction and about his unprocessed trauma, but he just looked very disinterested when I wanted to talk to him about it. He mostly would just nod and kiss me before abusing my feelings for him to get himself a high, as he did so many nights before. Tonight was one of those nights. I heard my doorbell ring and got up to open the door and as soon as I did so I felt Kells' large hand gripping my wrist painfully and pulling me behind him into my bedroom. Why am I doing nothing about it? That's the only thing I'm asking myself. He started to undress me and kiss me harshly while he held my waist so tight I was sure there'd be bruises in the morning. As if he was scared I'd run away. He pulled off his leather jacket and fiddled with the zipper of his jeans while keeping his bruising grip tightly on my waist with the other hand. As soon as he got his dick out he yanked me up from his lap so I was hovering over him and then he gripped my hips and pulled me down on his dick. As he fooked me without prep it hurt like hell, but as always I chose to ignore it. During the act he'd call me names and sometimes hurt me, digging his nails into my skin. He came inside me and pulled out of me. He walked out of my room and as soon as I heard the front door shut I started crying. I was still hard, I didn't come. Sometimes I'd come sometimes I wouldn't and he didn't give a fook about either situations. Sometimes he'd stay over to sleep in my bed sometimes he'd leave directly after. I got used to him calling me a slut or a whore. But it's still always so painful sitting there after he got what he wanted, pathetically crying because you feel like a worthless slut, a sex doll for your once best mate. And your whole body hurts because he was so rough but you're so used to this you can't- you don't dare to talk about it with him. I felt like that in this exact moment. I spent the next ten minutes drowning in my thoughts of self-hate and bullying myself. Because who else could I blame for making me feel like this? Maybe I never stopped it because I've always wanted this, I always wanted him. I did. But... it felt terrible. This felt terrible. The way it is between us and as much as I love him the way he makes me feel every time he fooks me is the most traumatising experience I've ever had besides my childhood trauma. I hate the situation I am in right now. I don't want to loose him, so I don't speak up. But at the same time I feel like my mental health is only moments from falling apart completely. Sometimes he'd call or text me and make me come over to his house and have his way with me there and soon we had a bit of drama because of that. We were in the middle of the act when Megan walked inside the room. She caught us cheating. She yelled at me and Colson, but after giving her some irrational excuse she directed her anger completely at me and called me a faggot who couldn't take his hands off other men in a five meter distance. I felt pathetic and humiliated. Embarrassed. I left their house as quickly as I could. A few weeks later I celebrated my 24th birthday with my family. A nice distraction. Or at least as long as it lasted. Colson showed up again a week later and wanted to continue this sick cycle of sex and cheating, but I didn't want to anymore. And I told him, but he didn't give a fook about what I was saying and in the end I gave in again. I felt terrible. Megan caught us again twice and each time he'd manage to make her believe it was me who seduced him, presenting himself as the victim. She started to passionately hate me. And if I were her I would also hate me. And it didn't necessarily help that he took her out on a date on one of my concerts in LA in the go-go whiskey. I tried to search distance from Colson but I barely managed to get out of his grasp. My love for him became a sick toxic addiction of his presence making me submit to his every wish. And I began to start loosing self-respect and -love. Of course I still did shows and music and I loved my fan base, the BHC. And my friends and my actual family. And they were distracting me good enough. I was scared to tell them anything. I was scared they'd think I was pathetic and I was so embarrassed by my behavior, I genuinely believed I'd loose my family if I was to tell anyone. I noticed how my self-loathe started reflecting in my music, it was basically too obvious in my song fleabag. Then we have the hate I got from the internet the bullying and degrading the world had to offer and it got all way too much. I got depressive. And I had nightmares constantly. My motivation to write music was definitely lacking. My anxiety has been shooting through the roofs. I turned to alcohol. It helped me sleep. And grounded me. My friends either didn't see how deeply done I was with the world or they simply didn't care. Kells would sometimes ask if I was alright after a night and I would just nod... and watch him leave me in my misery again. I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing to me, how much it hurt me. He degraded me so much. And turned me down. I knew he was doing drugs still. But that can't be it, this has to stop. Very soon. Or I'll break. Also very very soon...