Night Exile || 𝗞𝗮𝗲𝘆𝗮 𝘅 𝗔𝗹𝗯𝗲𝗱𝗼 𝗠𝗼𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗻 𝗔𝗨

|06| Ruminations

Kaeya promised himself he would forget. That he would stop caring, or at least that he would keep it to a minimum.
However, keeping this resolution was as short as any he vows to himself each and every new year because he had already decided to glance at the familiar bus stop, hoping deep inside his heart that Albedo would be there again after all that had happened.

Of course, he didn't come.

Kaeya wasn't even that surprised, even though he felt a terrible disappointment, which had torn his heart out. So Albedo really hated him. Yes, he had every right to do so, but Kaeya would fix it somehow. He would do anything he asked, spoil him to the uttermost, just to get a second chance.

Unfortunately, there was no indication whatsoever that he deserved another chance in Albedo's eyes, so Kaeya would just drink his sorrows away again.

Yes, he promised himself he would cut back on alcohol consumption. Also, yes, he fucked up again, but he had no one to become a better version of himself for.

Now that Albedo is gone, Kaeya can return to his miserable, achromatic life, where he finds comfort in the arms of strangers he meets at parties. Well, not precisely comfort, but the satisfaction of the need to be loved that eats him up from the inside; it's like a demon whose hunger grows more and more, not allowing him to function normally.

Now that he was alone again, his life seemed to rewind. How can he be so filled with life at first and be empty now? Where does it all go, like it didn't mean anything? Will it just make the most appearances in his dreams? Kaeya himself didn't know if "haunting" would be a more appropriate word in this context. He wouldn't want to wake up every morning knowing he was losing a piece of his happiness with each dream, but then again, it was all he had left. It was killing him terribly that his life was not a whole but consisted only of moments that would never come back once they were over.

Kaeya no longer felt solace in wandering the streets of the city, which under cover of the night, looked like from another, better reality; nay, he even felt overly uninvited here. It was as if the whole universe was trying to show him how much he had ruined the situation of his dreams, additionally making everything about him remind him of Albedo. Of Albedo, with whom he did not have to wear a mask that hid his true self. Albedo, who became his moon, his sun, his home. Albedo, who is no longer here.

Kaeya sighed dejectedly and leaned against the heavy door of his favorite bar to push it open with the weight of his body. What he would do once inside was pure routine; smile, approach the bar, say hello to the bartender, and order "the usual." Kaeya knew every step as if he were an actor who had to repeat the same scene hundreds of times.

But this time, everything was different, as if he needed to look at the script again. There was no hello, and a smile refused to appear on his lips. It had never happened before that he didn't even want to be here – he loved this place because he was never lonely. Now people didn't so much annoy him as they simply disturbed him. The mixed smell of perfume and alcohol made him sick, and pushing through the dancing partygoers to find one stupid seat drove him into a frenzy. Even the song didn't sit well with him tonight, even though he would have described the venue's musical taste as excellent. The rhythm matched the typical nature of parties, but its tone was simply kitschy, just a patchwork of notes that carried no punch line.

Kaeya focused on the lyrics, hoping that at least this would protect it from his negative opinion, but he also quickly learned that this would not happen.

With a not-so-angelic voice, the singer sang about stupid love, happiness, fulfillment, and God knows what else. It wasn't jealousy that was the main reason (but one of them) why Kaeya was so irritated by this song, but how the artist approached this topic. It's not like his definition of love is perfect and flawless, but he would never use his partner as something to brag about.